Saw my mum today. I think she is dying and I feel sad that we were never able to have a relationship

[Starwarsposter]

Will start this off by saying I did accept a long time ago that I would never have what I would consider to be a deep and caring relationship with my mum.

Growing up was tough as my mum and dad got together quite young, money was tight and they were both pretty damaged by their childhoods, my mum more so because she had grown up with a physically abusive mother that would hit her. Her mum sounded positively psychopathic and it definitely did damage my mum a whole lot.

When I was young mum never seemed to be able to comfort me or discuss anything deep. We would often run out of medication I needed for a heart condition. When I look back I was clean and clothed and fed but I would say there was most definitely some neglect and most definitely emotional neglect. I knew I could never rely on a friendship per se with my mum. I was raped by someone and I knew there would be no response if I told her, for example.

In my 20s I moved to Dublin for work for many years and mum and dad in Northern England rarely visited me, despite being better off. When I did call home on the phone occasionally my mum would usually ask why I didn't just email, rather than calling. She never wanted that closeness with me. I'm sure this goes back to feeling this way about me because of my abusive grandmother and she felt a certain way about girls and women but it was always such a shame that we couldn't turn things around and form a close friendship.

Obviously this rejection due to the damaged parts of her mum has been very tough and has affected me in so many many ways. However I am now married myself with a son and am happy and settled which feels like an achievement in itself. I have close relationships with my son and husband.

Fast forward to today. My mum has had parkinsons disease for around 16 years and I think it is finally weakening her body. She just seemed so fragile today and she was very emotional, more than I'd ever seen. I know there can never be a close relationship with her because she doesn't want one with me and never has. But it is sad.

Just wanted to share this with someone x

That's very kind @Vgtasd thank you Xx

I think I understand you. My mum died recently, she also had Parkinsons. I saw her a fair amount out of a sense of duty but we were not close, she never phoned me, and showed little interest in me, only when she was sick did her attitude change but even then she could be sharp and hurtful.
Everyone's situation is unique and I felt sad but I also knew that at the end and while she was sick I was a better daughter than she deserved. Maybe that's the same as you.

I totally get it, I don’t have a relationship with my mum. Not what I would have chosen, but it is what it is. I am always so pleased for friends/acquaintances that have close bonds with their parents. Sadly, it wasn’t the case for me. I focus on the good things in my life, my wonderful DH & and adult DS’. Handhold OP . It’s really tough.

I don’t either I tried for 25 years but how she behaved when I was getting married made me realise she was never going to be interested so I stopped trying and stuck
to polite conversation about the weather she never noticed x

@Livelifelaughter thank you I think that yes that is how I feel deep down. I think looking back and finding out a lot about narcissism over the past few years, that my mum could well be a covert narcissist. Conversations have always been driven by her, she will constantly change the subject while you are speaking. She would often put me down or make me feel not good enough. But I have realised that I am enough and I have always deserved better.

@Roselilly36 yes I do the same now, focus on my son and family life even more. I'm honestly very grateful for my life now.

@Shortbread49 that's sad and I'm sorry but you are definitely not alone.

I don't think my mum could disappoint me anymore now, am so used to her cancelling/ avoiding even before she was ill she was always like this.

I'm sorry OP, my mother is the same, It's so hard, sometimes I wish she was a narcissist, at least you get attention from them! but indifference - what does that make her? I relate to having to go to hobbies on my own, getting the bus from a very young age. Now, we don't speak from year to year, she lives alone as a recluse, shows little interest in her grand children - has baby sat once in 18 years. She's definitley on the autistic spectrum, but then so I am and I try so hard not to be the same as her

@YourTruthorMine yes that's it. I have a clear memory of being about 9, it was autumn or winter and walking 15 minutes home after brownies in the dark, i can remember wearing my hat. I don't know if that happened every week but I know it happened. You just couldn't imagine that happening very often these days.

I remember feeling emotionally overwhelmed sometimes when a teacher would ask me if I was okay or something. Would burst into tears as wasn't used to it.

@YourTruthorMine the reclusive thing is also the same. Do you think your mother was always depressed or just liked being at home alone and didn't want to engage with others?

My goal is to make sure my children never felt like I did you can do it learn from them
how not to be , much love x