A few weeks ago my boyfriend admitted that he told his parents about our sex life, but he now says everything was a misunderstanding

[Redrose28]

Hi all. I’m 22 and my boyfriend is 26, an engineer. He’s very close to his parents and calls them often(they live abroad). Generally he is a great guy, and there are lots of positive things about him.

A few weeks ago I made a post about my boyfriend telling me that he told his parents some details about his sex life. Basically , he said that he has told them after we do it, saying stuff like ‘we just had fun’. He told me that in a way he is updating his parents about his virginity status as he has been a virgin for all these years. I have suspected vaginismus, and he told me he would be willing to speak to his mother about it as she is a nurse. He said he wouldn’t need to ask his parents advice about sexual things if he had already had sex, but thinks his parents are the best to go for all advice. Please bear in mind, these weren’t the exact words he used but my understanding of them. Needless to say he is very close to them.

I was absolutely horrified. I ended up having some harsh(but never swearing etc) word with him. We split up for a while. I decided to let him explain after a few weeks as I missed him. We met up in a coffee shop.

He told me that everything I thought he had said was a huge misunderstanding. He told me he never told his parents when we have sex, but he told them that ‘everything is good in our relationship’, meaning the sexual part too. As to his parents being updated about his sexual progress, he said he cannot remember saying that, and that he does not do that. As for asking his mother about my vaginismus, he said he also would never do that. He said he would only ask general advice, such as how can one keep sexually safe? He seemed pretty annoyed at me and the actions I had taken more than anything.

We are still going out. I am just so confused still. How could I possibly have misunderstood? My boyfriend is very honest and straight forward , and I don’t think he’d lie. He said he’d never tell his parents anything we do in the bedroom. Yet I’m finding it hard to trust him. Maybe he somehow forgot he said these things? Maybe I got it completely wrong?
Any input from you guys would be great, thank you!

C’mon @Redrose28 - do you really think you misunderstood ALLLL of that. Or do you think he’s massively back peddling now and rewriting history so you won’t dump him?

unless you have cognitive issues and memory problems you know full well what was and Wasn’t said. Or implied.

Sounds like he didnt expect you to have a problem with it and he’s just decided to change history to make life simpler.

if you carry on with this you’ll see it happening more often every time you disagree on things. He’ll rewrite history because it’s ok as you go along with it.

sounds like he is gaslighting you. even without this, it sounds like time to move on! what man discusses his sex life and partners sex life with his parents FFS

I think you need a new boyfriend.

Basically , he said that he has told them after we do it, saying stuff like ‘we just had fun’. He told me that in a way he is updating his parents about his virginity status as he has been a virgin for all these years.

Is “we just had fun” code for “we had sex last night?” I’m thoroughly confused as it’s so wierd. It almost sounds like his parents are quizzing him on “what did you do last night?” and he’s trying to deflect them.

I have suspected vaginismus, and he told me he would be willing to speak to his mother about it as she is a nurse. He said he wouldn’t need to ask his parents advice about sexual things if he had already had sex, but thinks his parents are the best to go for all advice.

Sorry you are struggling with suspected vaginismus and that’s a nice offer he made to you as his mum is a nurse. I think he’s naive to think his parents are best source for advice, but nothing wrong with him having the comfort level to discuss sex with his parents in general terms.

I was absolutely horrified. I ended up having some harsh(but never swearing etc) word with him. We split up for a while.

What?! Why? You lost me. He’s not telling them about your sex life and he’s only offered you his mum as a source of info as she is a nurse….

I mean what is so horrifying about his parents knowing you two have sex? They probably knew you were before he confirmed it (speaking as a parent of adult DC, I can tell)

Just saying yeah, I’m in a sexual relationship with my girlfriend/boyfriend and we are doing good overall isn’t sharing details of your sex life imho.

You understood fine.

He realised he’d fucked up (probably after his mum explained it) so is backpedaling /gaslighting.

Get rid of him, this is all very weird - he can practise adulting on someone else.

I too am confused as to why this is such a problem - he's clearly got a good and open relationship with his parents, and sexual activity is a normal and healthy part of a relationship.

Loads of women talk to a friend/sister/mum about sex, why is it such a problem that he does?

I am just so confused still. How could I possibly have misunderstood?

You didn't misunderstand. You are confused because he is twisting your reality to suit his own ends. He's lying and trying to make out you are stupid. Not a great combination for a successful relationship. Let him go, there are better and nicer men out there.

I don’t understand… he is still a virgin, you have vaginismus , but he ‘s not allowed to talk about that to his parents? Why not?

I friend of mine had a relation of 8 years with a girl with vaginismus. And she didn’t seek any help for it, she just kept it a very big secret. He wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone about the problem. In the end he ended the relationship, not because of the vaginismus but because of the secrets and the lies. If you have vagismus go and see a doctor about it! Life is too short!

I don't see this as horrifying? I have vaginismus. I'm not embarrassed by it. Sounds like his Mom could be helpful.

Really amazed by all the posters who would be fine with their partner telling their parents about their sex life

What is he telling them about their sex life? That they had a fun night? He's not telling them anything beyond that..

he can practise adulting on someone else.

Yep.

Run do not walk from this man. He violated your trust in a disgusting, grotesque manner and now he's lying to you. A relationship with a man who is unusually close to his parents will only work if you're willing to come 3rd in his life. And that's no way to live. You are worth so much more than that.

I wouldn't want to speak to a nurse I happen to know about medical issues. I'd want to see my practice nurse or a specialist in the appropriate area. Aside from anything else if the acquaintance nurse says 'you need a referral' or 'you need a prescription' she won't be in a position to make that referral / give me the prescription. Plus she won't have my full medical history. Obviously if I have an injury in public and there us an off - duty paramedic around I'll feel differently, time is of the essence! But if it isn't urgent I want to go through whatever processes are needed, not chat to an acquaintance.
That aside, boyfriend is rewriting history and you seem to be letting him.

Please look up Trey from sex and the city.

Don't be Charlotte.