Flatpack Drama

[hopebubbles2]

I'm wondering if somebody can help to ease my confusion please...

I've been with my partner for roughly 2 years and we've been living together for approximately 6 months. Prior to this relationship I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a long time and despite a lot of counselling etc I'm now finding it hard being in a new relationship.

I feel like I'm constantly on the lookout for "red flags" and so worried about making sure that I don't accidentally end up treated wrongly that I'm possibly becoming paranoid the other way instead and seeing danger where behaviours/arguments etc. are just normal.

We were building flatpack furniture together today and my partner was getting really stressed out with it - being short with me when I was doing things wrong, cursing and showing anger in his face, being rough with the furniture (e.g. thumping the pieces about), kicked a bag out of his way, threw a tool back into it's bag etc. He's shown similar behaviours before when getting stressed out with things and it always really bothers me as I find it a bit frightening and uncomfortable to be around. The problem is that I'm not sure if this is more my issue that I'm easily upset / frightened rather than an issue with his behaviour. Or if it's a combination of the two! I've tried to speak to my partner about it and I think I've just made things worse...

I was hoping to help calm my mind by asking how others handle situations like this? What normal levels of anger look like to you? And any other helpful tips you can give me!

I don't think it is you being easily upset / frightened.

I'd probably get a bit like that if it wasn't going to plan, but I've only put flatpack together on my own, while DP was watching telly.

You shouldn't be with someone who is a bit frightening and uncomfortable to be around.

while building furniture can be frustrating and lead to few swearwords, throwing things around is not normal level of anger. similarly being short with you is not fair - its not your fault he sucks at putting together furniture.

controlling one's outbursts is something we teach to toddler so an adult should be way past this stage

Red flag 🚩

I'm so sorry, that does genuinely sounds like a horrible experience for you, @hopebubbles2.

My ex used to make me on edge by behaving like that. So I’d definitely be triggered if a new partner did. That said flatpack drives me insane!

Life can be very stressful in many ways and this won't be the last time you have challenges as a couple. If this is how your DP deals with stress then consider carefully if you want to be with him. I get that flat pack furniture can be a pain, especially when you're trying to make sense of a diagram with no words, but it sounds like your DP was acting in quite a childish manner and being short with you was not on.

🚩 and dealbreaker for me. I don’t want a guy who loses his shit over flat pack!

Thank you all so much for your replies - it really helps to hear others thoughts.

Overall I do think he is a good man. He always tries to help around the house, is honest, generous etc. Normally he's supportive to be around etc... I just hate the anxious feeling I get when he gets angry because something is stressing him out / annoying him.

He did apologise once we'd finished the flatpack and said he knows he was being grumpy... but then when I tried to speak to him about it again later to explain how the anger bothers me, he was then saying how he's just showing his frustration etc. and it sounds like he has no intention of changing.

I'm wondering whether I should just leave the room if he ever gets like that? But equally don't want to be avoiding / papering over the cracks of a bigger problem and totally get the point about I'd be teaching a toddler that's not the right way to behave.