Does anyone else's mother do this?

[everybodytidy]

Mum almost 50, I'm 26. I can't work out if this is her being malicious or she just has a really bad memory.

She will often offer me a nice favour, or say she will help me out with something, say childcare or money. We can have multiple detailed conversations about it previously (I'm always very thankful and never expect anything of her) but further down the lien when it comes to doing the favour she will deny the conversations ever happened, saying she wouldn't offer such a thing, etc. I didn't realise how demoralising it was when I was younger, but the longer it goes on it just feels like I'm being gaslit all the time. Her memory isn't bad when it comes to other things.

Sounds like malice to me.

Does she do it to anyone else or just you?

She's gaslighting you.

My mother used to do similar.

My MIL used to do this. When I look back on it now (15-20y later), it was because she found it very difficult to say no or backtrack from an original idea. Even with multiple "are you sure" type questions.

She needed to be offered get-out methods that carried zero perceived judgment on herself, and they are often hard to find. Essentially she was/is a people pleaser.

My friends mum does it to her all the time. She's promised everything from small things like babysitting an evening through to house deposits and help with a car. Nothing has ever materialised. I honestly think her mum enjoys the conversation when she gets to sound important and generous talking about the future. In the reality though, she's quite stingy and would never give up something as that would mean she'd lose the benefit. It's almost like when she's talking about doing it she doesn't realise that getting all that nice gratitude would actually mean her being left with less, or having to sacrifice something.

I totally agree with this

Is it things you ask for or she offers and then reneges @everybodytidy?

Next time she offers anything, get your phone out quickly, discreetly start recording a voice memo/video and then get her to repeat her offer somehow. Then when she denies it, play her the recording

I think this behaviour is a form of narcissism. Making an offer of help makes the offerer feel good; they are rewarded with expressions of gratitude and positive feedback about who they are, and they feel powerful and confident.

However when the time comes to carry out the favour, they start feeling bad; inconvenienced, exhausted at the thought of doing it, pressured. Sometimes they have over-promised and don’t actually have the skills or resources to deliver, so they start feeling insecure. They don’t want to look bad, so they backtrack, make excuses, pretend it never happened or start attacking the other person for being “demanding”.

The solution is to recognise that this person can’t be trusted and to politely decline all offers of “help”
from them. This is usually painful to do, as you often really need the kind of help they’re offering and if they were actually going to come through, it would be a lot easier than doing it all yourself or figuring out help from elsewhere.

The sadder fact is that narcissists actually LIKE keeping you weak and dependent on them, rather than seeing you become strong enough to manage on your own or build networks of support outside of them. It makes them feel helpless and no longer “in control”. That is why letting you down is an inevitable part of the cycle. They have to keep you weak and dependent on them.

Ahh mothering with conditions, my DM is an expert at it 🙄 🤦‍♀️

I actually think that narcissists have a hard time knowing the difference between a good intention and a good action.

Narcissists, however, have misinterpreted the saying “It’s the thought that counts” to mean that a good intention is almost as valuable as a good action. Not exactly as good, of course, but maybe 90 percent as good.

Most people recognise that a good intention is fundamentally worthless on its own if not paired with an action. So “the thought counts” if you give someone nice present for their birthday, but it’s not quite to their taste. The thought doesn’t count at all though, if you tell someone you’re going to buy something they’d absolutely love for their birthday, but when the day rolls around, you say you couldn’t actually afford it.

Ignore the “however” in my last post!

Oh yes - to me and to others. I know she doesn't actually mean it - but other people seem genuinely confused when she doesn't follow through. But I know her and how she functions. She wants to be the hero and say yes, which she does, but she really doesn't want to do whatever and you are supposed to know to not take her up on it. She would say it's generational - offering something they don't really mean. It's lady-like to offer and it's polite to accept but never actually expect anything.

Yeah but it’s more about things in the past

If they are offers she initiated and deep down she knows she’s gone back on them I would be tempted to have a bit of a game with it. Next time she offers say, “I couldn’t possibly accept. You’ve done so much for me already.” And watch while her brain does contortions