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Original poster

OW trying to get pregnant too

25 replies

Bunny44 · 15/07/2023 18:13

I'm 7 months pregnant and my ex left me when I was 12 weeks pregnant. It turned out he was seeing an ex in secret and now they have gotten back together. It was extremely difficult for me but I've just tried to focus on moving forward.

He told me she knew I was pregnant and accepted that he'd still need to be in touch with me, however I haven't gotten this impression so far since his communication with me often seems secretive. Now I heard through various family members of his that she didn't take it well at all (unsurprisingly) and is now pushing for them to have a baby as she believes he will leave her again for me otherwise. She has 2 older children from another relationship and previously he mentioned to me she wanted no more children, so this seems wholly driven by insecurity because I'm pregnant.

He mentioned they broke up the first time as she was very jealous, insecure and controlling and this has been mentioned as well by extended family over time.

For context, I don't want the lying, deceiving b back, but obviously he's still the father of my child and I feel really bad that she resents me and my child so much when I feel like I've done nothing wrong and it's obviously a very difficult situation for me. I also don't know how to navigate this all as I really want no drama but I don't want to be accused of stopping my ex or his family from having contact. I also feel sad that he may well be doing the whole pregnancy journey with her and they'll probably rub it in my face, while I was left to deal with everything alone.

Not sure what advice I'm looking for but has anyone else had to navigate a similar situation?

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 15/07/2023 18:15

That's a hard situation OP.

From her point of view, were they actually broken up while he was with you?

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/07/2023 18:19

Yes they were and she knew we were together, although I think my ex downplayed the seriousness of our relationship - I.e. that we were trying for a baby.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 18:21

this whole thing is a mess and I am so sorry you're in a middle of it OP. You will need to try and distance yourself from this mess - don't stop him or his family from contacting your kid, but keep yourself out of his life. Don't contact him unless you have to, never ask for wellbeing of his gf or their kid, delete them from social media and never engage in any conversations he may want to start about that woman's pregnancy.

cactusjane · 15/07/2023 18:23

Sounds like a nightmare and it will be very hard if and when this woman has to have any involvement with your child. It's obviously no use speculating on it at this stage but if she's that insecure and controlling you'd think she'll probably be very resentful of the dc and that's never a good thing.

I guess she sees you as a big blip in their relationship and one that she can't simply forget as your ex now has a permanent link to you. Not your fault of course.

Is he interested in seeing the baby?

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/07/2023 18:33

cactusjane · 15/07/2023 18:23

Sounds like a nightmare and it will be very hard if and when this woman has to have any involvement with your child. It's obviously no use speculating on it at this stage but if she's that insecure and controlling you'd think she'll probably be very resentful of the dc and that's never a good thing.

I guess she sees you as a big blip in their relationship and one that she can't simply forget as your ex now has a permanent link to you. Not your fault of course.

Is he interested in seeing the baby?

He's been in touch regularly and has always really wanted children, but I don't know if this will change if she gets pregnant too. I feel like I don't want her anywhere near my child if she feels this badly about it. I think she thinks she can "erase the blip" if she has a child too. I feel very sad for my child in this situation.

OP posts:
Mumtothreegirlies · 15/07/2023 18:45

All I can say is poor children. It’s such a shame that these future children will have this backstory to their lives all because A bunch of adults were irresponsible. If I were in your situation I’d move away and start my life again without all the drama and ridiculousness of it all.

ZekeZeke · 15/07/2023 18:48

Stop communicating with his family members and distance yourself.
Blood is thicker than water. They don't have your best interest at heart.

Riapia · 15/07/2023 18:50

Two women wanting to be pregnant with the same man who they both know to be a lying cheat.
He must have a very persuasive line of patter.
😉😁😁😁

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/07/2023 18:51

Mumtothreegirlies · 15/07/2023 18:45

All I can say is poor children. It’s such a shame that these future children will have this backstory to their lives all because A bunch of adults were irresponsible. If I were in your situation I’d move away and start my life again without all the drama and ridiculousness of it all.

I hope you're not including me in that!

They now live very far away fortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/07/2023 18:52

Riapia · 15/07/2023 18:50

Two women wanting to be pregnant with the same man who they both know to be a lying cheat.
He must have a very persuasive line of patter.
😉😁😁😁

I didn't know he was cheating until he left me for her

OP posts:
cactusjane · 15/07/2023 18:58

Mumtothreegirlies · 15/07/2023 18:45

All I can say is poor children. It’s such a shame that these future children will have this backstory to their lives all because A bunch of adults were irresponsible. If I were in your situation I’d move away and start my life again without all the drama and ridiculousness of it all.

How has the op done anything wrong at all here? She planned a baby with someone she was in a relationship with. Unfortunately someone who turned out to be a liar and a cheat. She isn't the first and won't be the last.

I hope the weather is nice up there on your high horse.

Nanna50 · 15/07/2023 19:25

Well this is on him really, not her, he just needs to use condoms, minimise the risk but he doesn’t sound that reliable or responsible.

How long were you together to plan a baby and how long were they apart for him to cheat and then go back to her?

He could do this with someone else further down the line and live the whole pregnancy experience with them.

nobodysdaughternow · 15/07/2023 19:28

Honestly op, you cannot believe anything he says.

If he can conceive a baby with you then fuck off a short 12 weeks later, he will leave her too (again).

He has probably told her you are crazy and controlling and that he cheated on her with you and you tried. To trap him by becoming pregnant.

The wonderful baby that will be yours because of this lying toad however, is aa gift for you to enjoy.

He is the looser.

SunnyFrost · 15/07/2023 19:41

cactusjane · 15/07/2023 18:58

How has the op done anything wrong at all here? She planned a baby with someone she was in a relationship with. Unfortunately someone who turned out to be a liar and a cheat. She isn't the first and won't be the last.

I hope the weather is nice up there on your high horse.

Show quote history

Tbh it sounds like they weren’t together long before ‘trying for a baby’ if the ex sees her only as a ‘blip’ in their relationship. It’s irresponsible to try for a baby unless you’ve been together a good long while and ideally married or at least in the kind of relationship that would never in an million years appear only temporary to an ex. That’s how these messy situations arise.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/07/2023 19:48

nobodysdaughternow · 15/07/2023 19:28

Honestly op, you cannot believe anything he says.

If he can conceive a baby with you then fuck off a short 12 weeks later, he will leave her too (again).

He has probably told her you are crazy and controlling and that he cheated on her with you and you tried. To trap him by becoming pregnant.

The wonderful baby that will be yours because of this lying toad however, is aa gift for you to enjoy.

He is the looser.

Yes I very much think he's spun her all sorts of lies to make himself look like a victim and that he didn't plan this.

I also do think he loses out in all of this and has created an unpleasant situation even in his new home.

OP posts:
Sazza26xx · 15/07/2023 19:48

SunnyFrost · 15/07/2023 19:41

Tbh it sounds like they weren’t together long before ‘trying for a baby’ if the ex sees her only as a ‘blip’ in their relationship. It’s irresponsible to try for a baby unless you’ve been together a good long while and ideally married or at least in the kind of relationship that would never in an million years appear only temporary to an ex. That’s how these messy situations arise.

Show quote history

These things happen, op hasn't done anything wrong, stop trying to look like little miss perfect when you most likely aren't.

HeddaGarbled · 15/07/2023 19:54

Don’t you just want to go round and tell her he’s not worth her emotional subjugation. Poor love, she’s his victim as much as you are.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/07/2023 19:56

SunnyFrost · 15/07/2023 19:41

Tbh it sounds like they weren’t together long before ‘trying for a baby’ if the ex sees her only as a ‘blip’ in their relationship. It’s irresponsible to try for a baby unless you’ve been together a good long while and ideally married or at least in the kind of relationship that would never in an million years appear only temporary to an ex. That’s how these messy situations arise.

Show quote history

Think that's incredibly judgemental and short-sighted. I know married people this sort of thing has happened to. Marriage and longevity doesn't mean you are safe from cheating or complicated situations.

We had been together for a year and I'm in my late 30s so not an unusual timeline for my age.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/07/2023 19:58

HeddaGarbled · 15/07/2023 19:54

Don’t you just want to go round and tell her he’s not worth her emotional subjugation. Poor love, she’s his victim as much as you are.

Yes there is a big part of me which knows he's not worth all this grief for any of us. I have a lot of anger about his level of dishonesty towards me and don't understand what the point was. If he wanted to leave he should have done before trying for a baby!

OP posts:
sqirrelfriends · 15/07/2023 20:34

My only advice would be to try and emotionally detach yourself from these nutters.

Hes a cheat, she’s insecure as you have a link to her partner and also because she got him by cheating. I’ve seen scenarios like this play out before and the poor women who end up taking these men back always suffer for it. Please don’t consider it when he comes crawling back.

Livelovebehappy · 15/07/2023 21:04

I do think though that you’re not over him, and would take him back in a heart beat if he came crawling back. Your unhappiness at his ex becoming pregnant is that she will then have the connection with him that you currently have. Maybe you feel you stand more of a chance of getting him back because of your situation, but it will be more of a level playing field if she has his child too? I would say just focus on him as the father of your dc, ie, make sure he pays towards his child, and that he has access to the baby when born. Try to ignore any drama he has with anyone else - his family and the ex. It’s not your circus.

Jigslaw · 15/07/2023 21:08

feel really bad that she resents me and my child so much when I feel like I've done nothing wrong and it's obviously a very difficult situation for me

Why do you feel bad? Honestly whatever relationship your child has with its father going forward is up to the 2 of you, she's nothing to do with it. If she's upset because she's insecure about it then who cares?! Not your problem, not something you need to address or give head space to, I would be mindful what you say to his family though.

PaintedEgg · 15/07/2023 21:08

@Bunny44 you didn't cause this situation. As you've said, you were in a year-long relationship and assuming you're both late 30s that's not unusual to speed things up a little

but one thing you have to accept is that he is a shitty person. Like really shitty person and you're right that he absolutely messed up his life right now.

Don't let him mess up yours too so whatever he does, never take him back

and im willing to bet he will try at least

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/07/2023 21:51

Livelovebehappy · 15/07/2023 21:04

I do think though that you’re not over him, and would take him back in a heart beat if he came crawling back. Your unhappiness at his ex becoming pregnant is that she will then have the connection with him that you currently have. Maybe you feel you stand more of a chance of getting him back because of your situation, but it will be more of a level playing field if she has his child too? I would say just focus on him as the father of your dc, ie, make sure he pays towards his child, and that he has access to the baby when born. Try to ignore any drama he has with anyone else - his family and the ex. It’s not your circus.

I'm over him but not over how he treated me and effectively being abandoned while pregnant. Essentially I've realised he's a very untrustworthy person and I wouldn't take him back. He treated me quite badly after I found out I was pregnant in general and I haven't forgotten that. Most of the men I dated previously were really very nice people so I do not accept this sort of behaviour and dishonesty.

My angst about them trying for a baby us that it will it cause him to reject our child and I worry about protecting my son from that as he grows up. Especially if he finds out he has a sibling of the same age that was 'accepted'. I know it's all theoretical but it passes through my head a lot. I know he's been a terrible partner to me but he's still my son's dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/07/2023 22:00

Jigslaw · 15/07/2023 21:08

feel really bad that she resents me and my child so much when I feel like I've done nothing wrong and it's obviously a very difficult situation for me

Why do you feel bad? Honestly whatever relationship your child has with its father going forward is up to the 2 of you, she's nothing to do with it. If she's upset because she's insecure about it then who cares?! Not your problem, not something you need to address or give head space to, I would be mindful what you say to his family though.

Because she's acting as if I've done something wrong when they were the ones going behind my back. Also what's going on between them affects the relationship I have with him regarding our son and I don't like the unpredictability of it

OP posts:
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