Feeling like I need to distance myself

[Blue2blue]

Even as a child, I felt my mum would treat me different to my sisters (I'm the middle child)

She would say things like:

• I don't know what happened with your shape, it's different to both your sisters. They have a lovely figure.

• at parents evening I remember her saying to my sisters teacher, in front of me, that both her sisters (pointing at me) are bright, unlike this one, she's just thick and dumb not like the others.

• my sisters would always get first choice and I'd get what they'd left behind. So much so that I stopped asking for anything at all. Well what was the point.

• I felt uncomfortable in front of my uncle who would lick my face and go to make a gesture of touching me. She'd would tell me off, saying its my fault because of the way I was looking at him.

• whilst at junior school, I would have chores like dusting, hovering etc, whilst my sisters had none. Apparently I was good enough for the cleaning.

• she would say things like nanny loves both your sisters more, x is her favourite.

• When my mum went in to hospital on the odd occasion, I would be the one who would be told that I would have to stay off junior school, to iron my sisters clothes for school, get them dressed, walk them across the road to the bottom of the hill to school, go home clean the house, get their clothes ready for after school, make food for when they came home...

• Even as an adult when I started work, both my sisters were given jobs straight away at my parents business and I was told there's no job for me there.

• My Lodging was more than both my sisters had to pay.

• I bought a car, to get back and fore work. When I would get home from work, my mother would make me hand her my car keys so my sister could use my car and fuel in the evenings, instead of using her own car and fuel.

• They then decided they didn't want to work Sundays at their business and offered me to work there. I would be paid out of the till, but my mother would snatch my pay out of my hand as soon as I would walk through the door and call me names. Saying I was disgusting to take pay from them. But they were fine paying both my sisters so I refused to work there anymore. Why should I give up my weekends for nothing.

• she would repeatedly open my post whilst I was in work, despite me telling her not to open my letters.

Obviously I'm not living there any longer, but her behaviour is making me question our relationship. I go there less and less, yet a part of me feels guilty as you only get one mum.

Would the above be enough for you to question the relationship, if it was you, or am I being overly sensitive?

Question the relationship?!?

I'd be burying that relationship so deep it'd never see the light of day again.

Why do you even stay in touch? I'd be NC so fast it'd make her head spin.

Sometimes your “one mum” simply isn’t a decent person. Feel free to junk her and her shitty maternal behaviour.

just ditch your abusive mother, your sisters can visit her

You poor thing. Your mother is disgustingly abusive. What would you say if a friend told you all this was happening to her?

For your sanity and emotional safety, I honestly think you should never speak to the vile bitch ever again.

Not exactly subtle is she?

My favourite from mum is the following.

I commuted to a different city daily with a 2 year old to do my degree. He went to the University nursery. I had no practical support. Did the whole thing as a single parent.

My brother lived on campus and had a 4 hour shift on a Friday night at his SU bar.

He got a 2:2. I got a first. She said I was bound to do better than him.because he had a job and I didn't.

She was emotionally abusive my whole life and I cut contact with her nearly 12 years ago now. Don't feel guilty. Yes, you only have one mother but she brought you into the world. She chose to have you and you deserve better.

My eldest is now the age I was when he was born (24). I love him and his sister more than anything. I'm proud of them every day. I recognise their different strengths and weakneses but I don't berate them for them. I'd never intentionally say anything to hurt them and I'm never disappointed in them. They still amaze me every day.

And that's how your mum should feel about you.

She'd be dead to me.

I'm sorry you had to go through this x

You do realise your mother used you and is probably still using you as her scapegoat? Your siblings are her golden children. This is not the behaviour of a normal loving mother. It's not normal to dislike one child whilst heavily favouring the others. None of it was your fault, your mother is dysfunctional and probably has mental issues that she projects on you.

I had exactly the same and it's a role fixed for life. Nothing you do will change it. She won't ever recognise she's done it, show remorse or apologise. I've been NC for years and thank my lucky stars I won't end up her carer which is quite common for scapegoats as some repeatedly try to get the validation from awful parents. My golden child brother can earn his inheritance!

As for the only one mother idea, unfortunately you got unlucky but you owe her nothing. This is on her. If you haven't had counselling I would highly recommend it. It was life changing for me and gave me clarity about what an awful person she is.

I made it to the second bullet point.

She's vile. You don't need this in your life. And yes, I cut all contact with my own birth mother, because she's fucking horrid and not dissimilar to your own.
Go NC - you will only regret not doing it sooner.

Try the Stately Homes thread on Relationships, support for people with dysfunctional parents. You'll get lots of help to get your head round your mother's behaviour as contributors share similar experiences.

I’m so sorry your childhood was so difficult and abusive. I can relate to some of what you say. I would advise therapy and also check out the Stately Homes thread here, in relationships, for extra support. Best of luck, you deserved better x

Your mother is a despicable individual and no child deserves to be treated the way she treated (and still treats) you.

I think you are absolutely right in wanting to distance yourself, and for your own self-preservation and peace of mind I think you should seriously consider cutting contact. You do not have to maintain a relationship with anybody if they treat you badly, even if your abuser is your own mother. I also think that you would really benefit from some counselling to come to terms with things and find a new way forward.