Covert bullying by another adult

[IthinkIamAnAlien]

Hi, posting anonymously. I wanted to ask for some help about being bullied. I was bullied as a young adult, I had a difficult childhood, broken family, working class background.

I did ok in school but as soon as I started work, I got bullied by a young woman who used to sneer at me and do lots of stupid things like hiding my stuff and pretending she had no idea where it could have gone.

There have been other incidents in my life and I've done assertive training and some counselling and I thought I was getting on top of things.

Suddenly though, living in a new place, looking for friends, I met a woman who seemed ok. We started meeting for coffee once a week and discovered lots of similarities in our background, where we'd lived etc and some similar vulnerabilities, her younger sister had died prematurely, my father died when I was young. The friendship seemed fine but a month or so ago, I realised that she was ghosting me. I'm a big girl now and I told myself that no one had to be friends with anyone else, it was disappointing but there you go.

However, we meet at two ongoing groups and I see now that she's doing an act that makes my stomach curl - pretending to be friendly but making pointed comments and little pokes and then rushing to tell me how busy she is, so silently telling me she isn't around for a meeting. I'm really upset because I was giving her the benefit of the doubt but this morning, it's happened again, and I have no idea how to handle it. I want to tell her to her face that she is a two faced f*cker but I suspect that isn't any good. But I don't want to be played like a fish on the end of a line by her and I feel hurt and angry. This morning she came up when I was talking to someone else and just joined in and I felt I had to be friendly when I felt far from it. Sorry for all the words, anyone recognise this or have wise words to help. Thanks.

Hi there. Can I ask, what are the pointed comments and little pokes she makes...can you give an example?

Two options I can think of,

Text her to confront her, and say something like you totally get about her not being up for meeting up as you have sensed and understood that from her behaviour, but you could do without the pointed remarks in group settings and could she please give you space at these shared groups as you find it hurtful. Maybe giving an example or two, without getting personal towards her.

Or B: when she says a rude remark, lightly ask her (without any malice) what she means by it - ask her to repeat it, as you didn't hear (is always a good one, as they will falter and be embarrassed) or ask plainly "what do you mean by that, could you explain further?". It will put her on the spot a bit, but also make her aware you are upset by it and focus her on her own behaviour.

Otherwise it sounds like she's decided to remain sociable with you in a group setting but not pursue a personal one on one friendship. She's not going to make an issue out of it, so is pleasant at the groups while feeding you the old 'so busy' line to deter you from trying to arrange something with her.

If she's being nasty that's different.

Re pointed remarks, when we first went for coffee she went on an on about being shy, I said I was shy too and we then had a friendly, even jokey, debate about the difference between being shy and anxious. I was shy as a child but now I think I am just anxious. So one of her jibes will be to make fun of me for thinking I am anxious. eg. I agreed to hand out leaflets at a summer fair for one of the groups we are both in, and more than once she has gone 'oh you, you're not anxious or you couldn't do that, I could never do it'.
She also goes on about money and how poor they are though I think and pretty much see that they are about the same level as us. So another little jibe is about how busy I am and how I can afford to do so many things but they really can't afford much.
We have had two really cheap breaks over the last couple of months, unusual for us but there are reasons and I mean camping and self catering, nothing luxurious and she got really elaborate about a break they just took where they had roundabout flights because they were cheaper and stayed with a relative for part of the time because they couldn't afford more.
As I write this, I realise that she's jealous and maybe she really isn't a very nice person.

I don't think she's bullying you. To my mind she sounds simple enough to dismiss.

Just grey rock her. Flat, brief answers that make it clear to her that you're not interested.
"Are you handing out leaflets?"
"Don't know."
"Are you going on holiday?"
"Not sure."
"Hi how are you?"
"Ok." (don't respond with "how are you?" because that encourages her)

Woman interrupts you while you're talking to someone else? Or even just stands next to you, listening in? Wave across the room at someone else and just walk off, strike up a conversation with someone random. Come back to the previous person you were talking to when the horrible one has gone.

Stop being nice to someone who isn't being nice to you, it just encourages them and makes you look like a doormat.

She doesn't want to meet up with you and spend time 1-1, but she's being friendly when she sees you. I don't see that she's doing anything wrong. It's polite to be friendly when bumping into people socially. Not everyone will want to have a more personal friendship.

@TaigaSno She doesn't want to meet up with you and spend time 1-1, but she's being friendly when she sees you. I don't see that she's doing anything wrong. It's polite to be friendly when bumping into people socially. Not everyone will want to have a more personal friendship.

Thanks but the covert bit is hard to put into words and it's that that I feel almost panicky about and I'm listening to that feeling. It's her body language and dismissive tone. I can't think of anything I have said that would change the tone of our meetings but there has been a distinct change and I now feel manipulated. It's a scary feeling, my instinct tells me that she is being judgmental and I can't trust what she's going to say next because it may be mocking though on the surface one of those 'I was only joking' type comments if challenged.

@BiscuitsandPuffin I really like your suggestions, thank you. It's hard for me to be impolite if someone is being polite to me, even if it feels like than is an agenda.

I think your instincts are correct, and that she was collecting information about you to use against you.

If you are brave enough you could call her out but make sure you do it in front of the group. Keep it low key such as ''Don't use something you've been told in confidence to undermine someone.'' or '' Its unkind to minimise anxiety. Please don't do it again.''

I don’t think she bullying you, but maybe you’re just not her cup of tea, so I would stop trying to make an effort now if it’s not being reciprocated!

regards to money- you may be on same amount as her, but you don’t really know someone else’ outgoings?

A typical military tactic is to find an opposing army's weak spots and then target them.

That's what she's done to you - she's been super friendly, discovered what your vulnerabilities are and now she's exploiting them in order to make you feel bad. Nasty. Very nasty indeed.

It doesn't sound like much, but I think I know the sort of thing you mean and it's not pleasant. Like a pp, and only if you need to interact with her again, I would ask her what she means when dhe makes these remarks.

TBH it is probably a good thing she has ghosted you. If you are reading her right she is horrid and you don't need to be wasting your time on her when you could be spending it with someone nice. Also if she is horrid she may put off nice people from being friends with you as they won't want to deal with her.

The gray rock technique as described by biscuits above is good to stop her getting more ammo to use against you. If she flat out says something like the 'Oh you can't do that.....' just flatly say 'Well I am going to do that'. The other comments sound a bit like sniping, the best way to deal with a sniper is to throw the attention back on them 'I don't know why you would say that, why are you saying that?'.

@DemonicCaveMaggot @toochesterdraws @wakeuporswim
thanks for your comments, I've got to the point of feeling stupid and thinking that I've been much too naive. This has been a really helpful set of replies and thanks to everyone. Just writing it down and reading the feedback, I can see that I was enjoying the buzz of lots of coincidences and having fun, I thought, but laying myself open to someone who now seems not at all the person I thought had become a friend. Boundaries, I've been told mine are leaky, learning the hard way and now I've got to be tough and deal with it. The reason I wrote the post was because I was angry about this morning and I just thought I'm not having this situation again in my life. So thanks.

As a pp poster said if she says something that's covertly rude ask her to repeat it, or say nothing just let it hang there. When she interrupts you lightly say to the other person 'excuse me, see you later' and walk away.

Disengage, being the way she is is her playground and in it she will have no issue making more remarks. Remove yourself politely every single time.

She sounds like an oddball but I don't think she's bullying you and I don't think she's jealous - I think she's just odd and awkward, and you are interpreting her oddness as being about you.