Really Struggling With Friend

[ManchesterLu]

Firstly I hope I've put this in the right place. And I'm sorry it's long. But I really need help with a friend.

I've known her for 5 years now, as we share a hobby together so therefore see each other 2 days a week plus sometimes extras at the weekends. There's no way I can NOT see her, as I've been doing this hobby most of my life with this group of people.

Please don't think I've not tried to help her, because I have. I've tried talking, suggesting she seek professional help, giving her lifts to things when she's too upset to drive, inviting her to things socially to try and get her talking to other people. I have honestly tried.

Ever since I met her, she's always got some kind of drama going on. She doesn't get on with her brother, she's been physically and sexually abused several times including being raped by a close friend. Her ex (who is also in our hobby group and I genuinely don't think would hurt a fly) is sending her horrible messages which - miraculously - she's always deleted before she can show anyone. Bullying isn't tolerated in our group, so if she showed the messages to the committee, they would be dealt with. But she always deletes them.

In the past 12 months, she's sadly lost both parents and ended 2 relationships. So I do get that there is a lot of genuine shit that she's going through.

The problem is, you can't ever, ever speak to her without getting the full force of every single thing she's going through. If I ask her if she's okay at the end of our hobby (when everyone stays around for an hour or so to have a chat), she'll pour everything out, and never ask me how I am. This happens every time, and means that I don't get the chance to speak to anyone else. If I don't specifically go to speak to her, she gravitates towards me and you can guarantee that by 15-20 minutes into the social after the meeting it will be me and her, 1 on 1, for the rest of it. Bear in mind there's 20+ people at our hobby, so a) she has a lot more people she could talk to and b) I'm not getting to speak to many of my other friends. I do feel sorry for her, and would like to check in on her from time to time, but if I send her a text, she will spend hours typing her reply, and it'll always be a HUGE wall of writing stretching at least 3 pages. Often mentioning how she doesn't want to be here anymore, that she has no friends etc.

Unfortunately, I've started to doubt much of the drama she tells me about. She'll always have a new story, like she had to spend all night in A&E due to some injury (she'll turn up with bandages/wrist braces on, but then they'll disappear with no sign of injury), or she had a date that turned violent and she was late because she had to put makeup on her bruises, or one of her family has been sending her horrible messages. It's getting to the point where it's like the boy who cried wolf. I just don't believe half the stuff she tells me anymore. There's no way all this happens to one person. I've only scratched the surface here, so if it still sounds believable to you, I promise there's plenty more. She will text an apology to the group chat saying she's going to be late because she had an urgent hospital appointment/her car broke down on a 4 lane motorway with no hard shoulder/her brother tried to attack her/she had an appointment with her therapist .. it's bizarre and I'm no longer believing a word of it. If anyone makes a comment about her being late to the hobby (it's a group thing where each person's attendance does matter so someone being late impacts everyone) she will plaster messages on social media asking would any other groups take her as a member. She gets offers, but never accepts them. I suspect she just wants the attention from us, and wants us to beg her not to go.

She also has this thing where she constantly talks about the fact she doesn't eat. She'll come to the hobby saying she's eaten nothing for 2 days and that she's surviving on 500 cals most days. She won't come out for group meals with us without sending a text in the group asking whether there is provision for eating disorders and a low calorie menu. Yet. She is at least 20 stone and seems to be gaining weight, not losing it. I'm a big girl myself so no judgement for being bigger - but I just don't get why you'd make a big song and dance about never eating, when everyone can see you clearly eat SOMETHING.

I just don't know what to do. I feel for her, and she has been through some difficult times (losing her parents), however it's just so draining. I have friends who've been through some horrific things and yet they'll still ask me how I'm doing. This friend never does, and never has. It's all about her and the drama. But I don't see any way out of it, because she has joined the same hobby as me.

Has anyone had any experience with someone like this? I even feel like a horrible person for a) not believing a lot of what she says and b) trying not to get into a conversation with her because I just know what's going to happen. I'm genuinely the kind of person who wants to help everyone, but preferably not at the expense of my own sanity!

You have to look after yourself OP. If she approaches you, walk away. Every time. And if she texts you, delete it. It won’t take long for her to get the message and move on to someone else.

I had had a few like this in jy
life unfortunately. You are not their therapist and they are dementors. You may not want to leave the group or ignore her but you need to limit contact. No texts, say hello and then ‘oh I promised x I would catch up with them tonight!’ Subtlety shift away if you don’t want to do it all at once.

if she threatens to go or texts the group just ignore. Protect yourself as previous poster says

She has had a shitty life and is crying out for help. This is why she makes up things that she thinks will get her sympathy rather than talking about the real issues of multiple rapes and recent bereavement.
It's not your job to help her. But it isn't anyone else's either.

She's a dementor but she's also in a very bad place. In my mind, it's almost a mental health condition where someone continually seeks validation and when they don't get it, they pile on and pile on situations and stories that may not be true - or are certainly exaggerated - to get that validation. It's probably why things seen to have escalated after the loss of her parents - NOTHING is going to make her feel better after that but she's clearly in pain so she keep upping the ante with her stories. That's my theory, anyway.

Essentially though, this isn't your problem to solve and while you clearly have compassion for her, you need to withdraw to protect yourself.

First, stop thinking of her as a 'friend'. Find another way to frame her to yourself. If you keep thinking of her as a friend you're going to keep getting hurt.

Second, stop texting her. Just stop doing it. If she asks you why just say 'gosh, so busy these days and trying not to live on my phone anymore.'

Third, is there anyone in the group that can help you? Someone that can come and extract you after five minutes of conversation? I don't mean that in a nasty way, but other people must have noticed this.

Just to add, it's not your job to help. But losing both parents close together is hard enough without everything else.

Stop asking her if she’s ok at the end of your hobby. Be busy talking to others and make excuses. Stop texting her too.

Don't whatsapp first and don't give anything more than short, polite replies.

Don't talk to her after class - engage yourself with someone else and if she tries to sideline you, say "I really need to catch up with Emma, we haven't spoken for ages".

Has she really lost both of her parents this year? You know that 100%?

To be a good friend you first have to look after yourself. Don't be dragged into her world, learn when to walk away x

I had a friend just like this who I had known since I was 14 and was very close to her. I use to encourage her to get help, help as much as i could myself, but there was never improvement. It drained me but I felt awful if I didn't try so I kept going, I knew half the stuff she was saying was a load of shit but I figured it's got to be mental health and she can't help it so I'd be awful to not help her. I had some personal problems of my own a couple years ago so I withdrew a bit to focus on myself, I still continued to try and help her though just not as much as before. She clicked on to this and started slagging Me off to other people about how unsupportive I was, unhelpful, shitty friend, didn't care etc... that was the end point for me. The next time she messaged I just snapped and told her I couldn't be her friend anymore, I knew about the things she had told other people and thought it was vile given how much support I've given her the last 18 years which made no difference so she needed to stop relying on me and start helping herself as I was clearly enabling her behaviour and thoughts.

She apologised, played down the things she had said to others but I'd reached breaking point and refused to accept her apology and I totally cut her off at that point. She had noone else to turn to and use like she did me as everyone was wise to her bullshit and behaviour and noone else would put up with it like I did. Funnily enough a couple of weeks after realising I was serious about cutting her off she actually went and got professional help. I am still not friends with her but I do know she now has a community mental health team, a diagnosis of BPD, steady job and friendships. None of which she had during the 18 years I was pandering to her behaviour.
I think for your own sanity this may be a case of having to be cruel to be kind. You have done your best by her and its made no difference and that's on her for not helping herself. Distance yourself or cut contact. When she no longer has you there she may be more inclined to bother to get professional help but right now she doesn't feel she needs that as she has you to vent and cry to instead

Stop asking her stuff. And if she starts telling you stuff, tell her you haven't time, because you want to talk to others.

You are allowing her to do this. Take responsibility for yourself, and let her take responsibility for herself.

I do know that, I attended the funerals. That part, at least, is true. But there's a heck of a lot I just don't believe.

Thank you so much to everyone who's replied. I feel awful but I think I'm going to have to be blunt and just say when I want to talk to other people at the end of the evening. Because it is making my other friendships suffer and I can't allow it to carry on.

Thank you again all x

You shouldn't feel at all awful! She sounds like an absolute nightmare, an attention seeking pain in the arse.
She a compulsive liar too, so you'd do well to keep her firmly at arms length - a compulsive liar has no issue sucking others into their chaos. Avoid her like the plague OP!