I realised I only dated and had relationships because it's "the norm". I'm so much happier single.

[Cv80]

I've only had two relationships on my life, both about 4 years, and I'm now nearing 50. I'm a very independent person, totally happy in my own company. Once I got over the heartbreak of both ending, I realised the times I've felt happiest in my life was not in these relationships but when I'm single. I think I lost a bit of myself in each one and know at times I wasn't really myself.

I'd describe myself as an introvert who enjoys a calm, peaceful, simple life, and I've no intention now of getting into another relationship. I did before because it's the "done thing".

Anyone feel similar?

With you, OP. Having a less urgent libido in later life has helped me see things a lot more clearly. I used to be so desperate to find my person and not be alone that I tolerated things that made me lose my self respect, failed to pick battles that should have been fought, became completely inauthentic.

I now invest all the energy that I put into dating into building and maintaining friendships, and the difference is a revelation.

The only downside is when I say I have zero interest in dating and people do that little facial expression and say: "Never say never".

I have a dear friend who is now 60 and she can't be single and is not happy either way. she can't find happiness within and whether single or loved up is never truly happy. She is very co dependent. A relationship is about complimenting each other and being happy within ourselves.

I, too, invest in family and friends. I actually think my default position is being single, I feel calmer and less anxious. One thing I never really enjoyed was having to attend family parties etc with a partner, which I often didn't enjoy and would rather be curled up at home with my book!

“In fact I say to him that being with him is almost as good as not being in a relationship at all.”

I was happy single for most of my life. This statement makes total sense to me. I’m seeing someone now, it came out of the blue but as long as it doesn’t change my life badly, as relationships usually do, then I might chug along with it.

being single is brilliant. I sometimes feel like people like to hide that truth, especially from women. I have never done online dating or anything.

OP “One thing I never really enjoyed was having to attend family parties etc with a partner, which I often didn't enjoy and would rather be curled up at home with my book!”

I have never attended those things with a boyfriend even on the rare occasions I had a boyfriend. I like to be seen as just me.

Ahh this is a great thread to read. And also me - 37, two good past relationships but zero desire for another one because I really like my life.

Have you guys read Bella de Paulo? She's got a book out in September and lots of online writing - she coined the term single at heart which is how I often describe myself. She defines it as people who live their best and happiest life single 😁

No, I haven't heard of her but will look her up. Thanks

I think one of my issues is I've been married to 2 extremes. One who was so laid back he was horizontal but wanted most of his free time (and I had 2 young kids) to be doing his own thing- mates, football, pub etc - second H, doesn't have hobbies that take him out the house, is a real drama llama , no local friends or family and wants me around an awful lot for company I feel. It's got worse as he's got older, now late 50s. I do envy folks who have something in the middle if in a relationship as it's certainly made me feel like I couldn't be arsed again if on my own.

I'm 40 and have been steadily making my way to this position for the last few years. I very much absorbed the message that you were lesser without a man - this was pushed strongly with constant comments about my life choices (education, weight, interests, haircut, tattoos, career) and how they would affect the most important thing ever: whether a man will have me.

I've had a marriage, an ltr and boyfriends and they have all ultimately hurt me and made my life worse either during the relationship or picking up the pieces after. My subconscious default for every time they upset me (from leaving crumbs in the butter, up to affairs and abuse) was 'how can I tolerate this, deal with this and spin this so that I don't have admit I am unhappy and leave'.

So liberating to think I will never put up with even the tiniest bit of shit ever again and I will never compromise my life for a man again. If one came along who gave me no shit, gave me space, asked for nothing and i found attractive, I might consider it but honestly, that man does not exist. And, if he does, i'm not giving up my time and effort to find him because I am not missing an other half.

OP, what you say about feeling calmer and less anxious: absolutely. I feel as if all attachment is secure attachment. It's such a relief.

I love this thread so much.
I've always been more content as a single person, I used to adore living on my own, however I’ve had a strong desire for lots of children, and if you think people look at you as a second class citizen for saying you don’t want a relationship, you can imagine how they look at an intentionally single mother!
so I settled with a decent man and had children, but I’ve always craved my single life, always thought if it doesn’t work out I will not ever live with another man again. It’s only now, after 13years, and as the relationship is coming to an end that I’m really starting to see everything I gave up and sacrificed just to be more acceptable to society.
I’m looking forward to heading into my 40s and cannot wait to do whatever I want, whenever I want again.

Marriage, LTR, and an itch that I eventually scratched by spending a week in Spain with him. All a disaster - with the exception of having my son, who's now an adult and living his own life.
I thought the long term itch was 'The One' after we were both involved with others and free at the wrong time - until we were both free, and what a bullet I dodged.
Love my single life, comfortable enough to be able to work part time, travel, and have a lovely rescue dog who melts my heart.
Don't have a huge circle of friends, but the ones I do have, have been friends for decades.
Relationships in my past cost me my mental health & caused me to end up in debt. I've more than bounced back, and I make the most of my happy, single life.

My grandad was single for 55 years from the day my gran died aged 30.

He seemed to do ok and enjoy life.

When I have been in a good relationship it's been way better than being single but the heartbreak that followed. I am not so sure if I prefer being single or am frightened to give my heart to someone...