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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Soon to be father in law cheating

24 replies

needhelpgivelove · 14/07/2023 19:16

What would you do if your partners dad is cheating and you're the only one (I'm assuming) who knows. I don't want to get involved but is it wrong to withhold this information? Should I tell my partner? Should I tell his mum? Should I mention to his dad how I know. I don't know what to do. It's heartbreaking.

OP posts:

Maray1967 · 14/07/2023 19:21

You need to tell your partner. It’s his dad - he needs to know. You shouldn’t be keeping a secret about his family from him. You can then discuss it and decide what to do.

PaintedEgg · 14/07/2023 19:21

I think you should tell your partner and be prepared to tell his mother all you know but only if you're asked to do it by him / her once she knows whats hp

PoachedDregs · 14/07/2023 19:21

I wouldn't be able to live with myself keeping that a secret from everyone. How do you know?

ConcernedCatmother · 14/07/2023 19:22

Tell your partner.

MrsSquirrel · 14/07/2023 19:24

I would tell my partner. Discuss it with him and then let him take the lead. It's his family.

Watchthedoormat · 14/07/2023 19:25

I'd keep my mouth shut.
There is a chance his wife knows deep down but does not want to confront this for whatever reason.

Weal · 14/07/2023 19:25

MrsSquirrel · 14/07/2023 19:24

I would tell my partner. Discuss it with him and then let him take the lead. It's his family.

This^

how come you’re the only one who knows. Did you see him with someone?!

JohnOgloat · 14/07/2023 19:28

Tell your partner. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Adulters love the whole elicit relationship excitement.

My friend killed herself after discovering all her family inc children knew her husband had been a cheating rat for 5 years....yet nobody thought to tell her.

ZekeZeke · 14/07/2023 20:22

Do you 100% know? Did you see it with your own eyes?
If so, I would speak to my OH.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/07/2023 20:23

I wouldn't even hesitate telling my partner. Everything else is his business.

Original poster

needhelpgivelove · 14/07/2023 20:59

ZekeZeke · 14/07/2023 20:22

Do you 100% know? Did you see it with your own eyes?
If so, I would speak to my OH.

100% saw with my own eyes. At first it was just following half naked people on instagram and TikTok but then he leant his son (my partner) his iPad and he was still logged into his emails. So when I went in to sign into my email it was just loads of messaged from hooker sites (which i didn't even know was a thing) and tinder messages/Facebook messages. I quickly logged out because I felt guilty even know they were just there. One of the messages stood out (yes I looked and I feel awful) which was a Facebook message from a women saying she couldn't wait to go to the new marketplace with him Tuesday lunchtime, so on my lunch break I took a little walk, trying to convince myself it's not as bad as I thought and they were snuggled on a table in a corner, fully making out. My stomach has dropped. My partner and I work long hours so tomorrow night is our 'date night'. I feel like I need to tell him but he's so close with his dad I feel awful!

OP posts:

Original poster

needhelpgivelove · 14/07/2023 21:01

JohnOgloat · 14/07/2023 19:28

Tell your partner. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Adulters love the whole elicit relationship excitement.

My friend killed herself after discovering all her family inc children knew her husband had been a cheating rat for 5 years....yet nobody thought to tell her.

Im am so sorry. That must've been so painful. What if I tell him and it destroys their family? What if my partner doesn't believe me. He's so close to his dad. If I ruin a family then I'll be the evil one? I'm so lost

OP posts:

betrayedandwobbly · 14/07/2023 21:01

It's STB-MIL who needs to know.

It's a special sort of hell to be the last to know

Hoppinggreen · 14/07/2023 21:03

Your Partner may already know.
If he does and/or his reaction to you telling him is that it’s no big deal then you need to re evaluate your relationship with him

Lesina · 14/07/2023 21:03

say nothing.

Original poster

needhelpgivelove · 14/07/2023 21:07

Hoppinggreen · 14/07/2023 21:03

Your Partner may already know.
If he does and/or his reaction to you telling him is that it’s no big deal then you need to re evaluate your relationship with him

This!! I've expressed previously about how it's weird his dad follows only half naked models and instagram and my partner just shrugged at it. As selfish as it sounds that in itself made me question even him. I guess it's the battle of what each individual considers cheating. Such a mess

OP posts:

Susieb2023 · 14/07/2023 21:07

Of course you need to tell your partner and then you need to have a conversation about how your future MIL needs to know.

You can’t keep such a massive secret from your husband to be!

Can’t believe anyone would suggest differently!

ZekeZeke · 14/07/2023 21:19

Tell you partner.
He needs to tell his mum.

Canthave2manycats · 14/07/2023 21:25

Better still, show your partner what you've seen. This takes the onus off you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/07/2023 21:47

It's quite telling that your partner doesn't find that shocking. I wouldn't be making any long-term decisions about him for now.

JohnOgloat · 14/07/2023 22:57

needhelpgivelove · 14/07/2023 21:01

Show quote history

It wasn't the affair that killed her but fact those she loved and thought had her back, refused to get involved by telling her in the first place but then minimising the cheating for fear of it 'breaking up the family' - she felt she had been denied agency in her own life and wasted years.

In reality it was her husband who broke the family up by his selfish choices. The same as your FIL to be.

Daffodil63 · 15/07/2023 00:43

Can you post an anonymous letter to your MIL saying you are a friend and you saw her husband with this woman in the marketplace? There is honestly no greater pain than finding out you have been cheated on. If the MIL does nothing about it then she is choosing to ignore it and that is up to her

perfectcolourfound · 15/07/2023 07:31

Of course you should tell your partner. If you consider keeping such a huge secret from his is OK, I would question if you should be marrying him. Marriage, and commited relationships, have trust and honesty at their centre.

If I found my OH knew such info and had kept it from me, I'd be so hurt, and wonder what else they'd chosen not to tell me.

Once you've done, it's up to him what he does with the info. If he doesn't believe you, then again - don't marry him as he doesn't trust you.

If it breaks their marriage up - that won't be your fault. It will be the fault if the cheating FIL.

Hoppinggreen · 15/07/2023 10:57

needhelpgivelove · 14/07/2023 21:07

Show quote history

Not selfish, sensible.
A lot of men model their relationships and boundaries on what they have witnessed.
If he thinks his Dad cheating is no big deal he might think him cheating is ok too

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