Partner doesn't want another baby.

[sp91]

Hi, not sure what to say and don't have anyone to talk to. I'm an only child and always wanted a family with 3-5 children, I've never kept this a secret and my partner always said 3 max he said he don't know about 4 so I was ok with that. I've got a teenager 13 from a previous relationship and an 9 year old with my current partner. I'm now into my 30s and having another child has come up as I'm getting older. He started by telling me his worries and I thought we got through it and agreed we would try for another one but since that conversation he hasn't touched me with a barge pole so I knew something was up. It was bought up again today and his back with the same worries, cost of a baby with the cost of living crisis and that he feels it's to much for him already, I thought we got through this but obviously not, I think what hurts the most is being told yes and feeling like it's what he genuinely wanted and was happy to actually have another baby to I think he just told me what I wanted to hear. How do I get over this? How do I come to terms with the fact il never have another baby. Even he if did change his mind I know deep down it's not what he wants. So confused.

Have you considered how you would cope with the cost and other practicalities of having another child? Would you be willing to sacrifice your (and your DCs) current standard of living to be able to afford it? Is it a dealbreaker for you? Also, if you are not married, having another child might make you more financially vulnerable if you were to split up.

His concerns sound valid, what was done to address them when you had the conversation? Was a budget discussed? Will he be the sole earner? What does he think he won't be able to cope with?

Sorry but I’m with the partner on this one. I don’t mean to sound horrid but children are expensive and you need to sacrifice your current standard of living if you’re to have another child.
do you work FT? Can your income contribute meaningfully to an additional member of the family?

I think it’s wrong that he told you what you want to hear only to backtrack now. He must have checked the cost and practicalities of having a baby and thought it wasn’t for him.

i want 4, my husband happy with two or three. We will be having four. He knew it was a dealbreaker when we met

Did you apply pressure and try to get him to change his mind when he offered his reasons for not wanting another baby? If so that may be why he ended up saying what you wanted to hear even though it wasn't what he actually wanted.

I can understand where he is coming from. In the current economic climate it would be difficult to come to terms with the financial burden, and resulting decline in the standard of living of your existing children, to have another baby that he fears he wouldn't be able to cope with anyway. He's entitled to want to prioritise the kids you already have, and you are of course entitled to decide that's a dealbreaker and end your relationship in pursuit of another baby with another man.

I agree that he didn’t mislead you - he changed his mind.

DH would have liked 3, I wanted 2 and was open to possibly 3.

And I would have considered 3, but DS2 was a massive handful for his first three years and I was too exhausted after that for a third! I didn’t mislead, circumstances were what they were.

@Fab973 Eh? You won't be having 4 if he decides he doesn't want more. If it's a deal breaker then there's no traditional family unit left. Your choice but if a partner felt that way about me, you provide me 4 kids or you eff off I think I'd be off anyway.

It is also quite a different phase of life to go back to nappies and pushchairs when you have a 13 and 9 year old. My cousin had an unplanned third with a similar gap and, although they are all very happy, they had to spend a fair bit extending the house and they are sort of two families - the older two and the youngest.

His concern about the cost of having another child is valid, even if it wasn’t originally a worry for him.

What is the working situation for both of you? Is he right and you can’t comfortably afford a baby?

I can see that, with a 9 year age gap, he doesn’t want to start all over again. And he absolutely has a right not to want more, but I’d expect him to get the snip if that’s his choice.
You need to decide what you want more, the family life you have now, or another baby without that.
I wanted another and DH said no. At the time I was very resentful, but now I’m the age I am, I’m glad we didn’t have another.

With a 9 year old and a 13 year old having another child is going to turn everything upside down - trust me I did exactly that! Every day out is going to revolve around the baby, screaming, sleeping etc and you won’t be able to spend so much time with your older children at a time when they need you in a different way. I think your dh is right.

I know it feels unfair to you, but it would be very unfair to make him have a child he doesn’t want. It sounds like you couldn’t anyway.

I hope you find a way to move on.

He is right.

unless you can present a realistic solution to his worries then you wanting a baby is really not a good argument to have one. He is simply right.

Its not what you want but I can understand his feelings - we are in such difficult economic times. You’d also have such a big age gap that would impact your other children and the things they can do. Its hard but you can come to terms with it.

Forcing someone to have a child they don’t want is unfair on that person and the child. Why would you want to bring up a child that will be unloved, unwanted and resented?

Or the alternative, ripping up your current family and putting your selfish desires above what’s best for your existing kids?

Don’t be selfish. Be happy with what you have.

i want 4, my husband happy with two or three. We will be having four. He knew it was a dealbreaker when we met

Pointless post 🙄

Yeah that’s not how we roll

Despite suspicions that your post isn't entirely genuine, I have to ask about this attitude.

I don't understand how people can say, "bit I have always wanted x number of children" as though length of time of imagining trumps everything else. Surely most couples decide on their number of children based on practicalities (like money, lifestyle, age), not some wish one partner expressed as a child?

@Fab973 how many do you have right now?

the only people I know who say they want four kids are people who have zero.

3 now

what about the older children? is their welfare less important than mum's dream of having a big family?

if additional children are likely to wreck family's finances then it will be the older kids who will be most affected by it

That's not going to end well...

Your partner is allowed to change his mind. And I see his point, have you allowed yourself to consider his points properly? And it's a massive change having a newborn now you have older kids.

I can completely understand how upsetting it would be to have your life plans changed.

Regardless of COL etc it's always a struggle to juggle family and finances. You could always find an excuse why it isn't the right time.

These posts come up time & time again because it's something that's so important to people.

Don't let people dismiss your feelings. I don't think there is a magic answer, but you need to explain your feelings to your DH and see how you can work together to find a solution that works for everyone