Elderly awful father - do I cut contact?

[33goingunder]

Maybe more suited for the elderly parents thread but equally suitable here.

My F is mid 80s and in declining health. He used to be a dynamic, sociable and successful man who took early retirement and enjoyed traveling the world with friends. His relationships - particularly family - meant a lot to him. We used to be very close despite him being a much older dad and he took a real interest in my life.

The past 3 years have not been kind to him health wise; he’s had multiple hospital stays for various ailments only to be discharged on various pills. Rinse repeat. My mum, who he’s been married to for 30+ years, has attempted to get him respite care after each stint but he refuses help and was awful to staff in the last place. Social services won’t intervene. His expectation is that my mum will simply take care of him forever. They have no communication - save for him being deeply unpleasant - any more and she is resigned to this state of affairs.

The issue is, the person my father is now is someone I can’t stand. He’s self centred, slovenly, takes no agency for his health and sits listening to the tv on full volume all day. If I’m in their house my presence is used to get him something/do his bidding. It’s not personal to me. He hasn’t asked any questions about anyone for the best part of three years and doesn’t communicate. There is zero interest in anything and we have been to the memory clinic, screened for depression etc.

There’s no diagnosis - despite our best efforts to obtain one - so I can’t blame his rapid change in personality on dementia etc despite my suspicions. if there was a diagnosis I could understand/try to be kind, but instead I’m faced with this awful man who is routinely rude to my mother/me but also declining and spends his life in front of the tv or asleep. It really is no life.

i’m supportive of mum and I have offered to be a safe haven should she need one.

so my question is, how do I navigate his twilight years in a way that doesn’t bury me too? I did a lot of grieving last year when his personality changed and I feel guilty for being so disgusted with his bad temper during those visits I make. He’s simply not the same man and his entitlement that others will drop everything to do his bidding makes me angry.

I also spent a lot of my 20s being frantically worried about his health and well-being and frequently worried that he would die during very worrying periods of his ill health. so I feel like my capacity to care has dried up with all the worry and fear. That sounds horrendous written down but that’s how I feel 😓

has anyone dealt with an elderly parent like this and can share any wisdom?

I did have a confrontation with my Dad a couple of months ago after a particularly trying day. I literally exploded and told him that he was being so horrible, that he didn’t seem to care about anyone else’s feelings, did he even love his family, etc., etc. It wasn’t my finest moment and he was shocked into silence. ☹️

But, being honest did have some effect, as he’s a little more considerate nowadays. I wish I’d said it more kindly, but we all have our tipping points.

If you witness your Dad screaming at your Mum, I’d confront it right away and tell him that it’s unacceptable.

@HamBone i emphatically relate to your reaction. I have been close to doing the same SO many times but he has quite a nasty tempter and a lot of feedback seems to roll off his back.

I have noticed that he avoids asking me to do anything because I don’t indulge him/challenge him, so his behaviour is typically saved for my poor mum. I’m taking her on holiday next month but it’s obviously not the perm solution.

This extends to how he feeds their dog food from the table (has been asked not to many many times). He’s just unpleasant.

Good that you are being a safe haven for Mum. Psychologically you maybe need to grieve for your lovely Dad and get angry with him for leaving you, but him still being here (but not himself or aware) is blocking the grief process. As you said Mum is resigned and accepting, I actually think it's ok for you to step back and care for her but not him, in whatever shape that takes. He's not being abandoned. You can only do what you can do and you are hurting and burnt out. I suggest letting go of the idea that he has agency over his bad behaviour though, or deserves/doesn't deserve - unless your mum discloses that he always masked it, this is definitely a neurological change and not within his control. It's shit and it's not ok but it's not his fault either.

He's obviously acquired some kind of cognitive issue which is quite normal at his age. Also many older people do become self-obsessed.

Still, if he has mental capacity social services can't just 'intervene' and make him go to respite! Your mum needs to be more assertive with him or she could take herself away instead then see how he copes.

I wouldn't be cutting contact. It's old age and normal!

I used to work in elderly care, and an awful lot of elderly people become very low/depressed as their body starts to fail and their abilities reduce. This can bring around a complete personality change, added in with general cognitive decline. Our bodies aren't made to last as long as modern medicine allows. I would put everything you've said here into an email to his GP, mention how worried you are and about the impact on your Mum.

In the meantime, just support your Mum as much as you're able to.