Still in pain

[55Ruby]

Hello, I've NC because i've posted on here quite a few times over the last 2 years. I'm going through a divorce and DH is still living at home. He had an EA 2 years ago, i dont know if its still going on but i'm struggling with everything and i'm still feeling the same as the day i found out.
During the last 2 years, i have tried to come to terms with the EA and the change in him. He fell in love with OW - she is 29 years younger than him, they have never met, she lives in Eastern Europe.
He has completely detached from our family life and prefers to sit by himself in his room, coming down only to make something to eat and then runs back to his room.
The marriage has just hit 27 years, I try and talk to him but he gets angry and it ends up with him telling me to go away, stop talking or to f++k off.
Recently, my father passed away and i have been diagnosed with stage 1 cancer. His feelings / attitude has not changed one bit, no concern, no help, no support.
When i try and talk to him he gets angry and swears at me.
I feel like i am stuck in some kind of trauma bond and i dont know how to stop this. I am full of anxiety, I have an operation booked at the end of the month and i'm scared but still I can't stop wanting to talk to him and for him to show me some kindness.

Of course it's going to be as raw now as it was then if he's still around you every day
You won't start to heal until you get distance from him
I see mental wounds the same as physical . Only time can heal and only if you stop picking at them . Having him in the house still is like picking a scab every day and expecting it to heal
Why won't he piss off?
I hope everything goes well with your treatment and that you get rid off this horrid man and start your recovery

So sorry to read this O.P it's not surprising that you are struggling as you have a lot to deal with at the moment. Why on earth is your husband is still living with you? Have you asked him to leave as the situation sounds unbearable.You won't be able to recover from his EA (which may or may not be over) with him still in your home, making your life a misery with his verbal abuse and total lack of respect towards you. How far along are you in the divorce process and is he cooperating with this at least?
So sorry to read about the loss of your Dad and your recent cancer diagnosis, your 'D' H sounds vile if he can't at least offer you a little kindness and support at this time. Let that be the push you need to get rid of him as soon as you can. Then you can start to recover and heal.

Of course you're stuck in a trauma bond

You need to start your life without him in it

Sorry.... sent too soon

And you need to properky look after YOU

Not look to him to have a part in that xxx

Thank you for your replies. He wont leave because he purchased the house 5 years before we married, its now considered as the matrimonial home, he says he paid the mortgage for 30+ years and he's not going to leave. He says i am a gold digger and have been living here rent free and i should pay him back dated mortgage (50%). I cant leave because i have no-where to go and my operation needs 10 weeks recovery..minimum.
The divorce is at the Form E exchange. I served him 15 months ago but he dragged it out and stupidly i did too hoping things would improve.
He's blamed me 100% for all of this. When i told him i had cancer his response was 50% of the population get it and i should be happy its stage 1

Any advice on how to gain some confidence and energy to get through this would be greatly appreciated

I am sorry you are having to live like this, he sounds mean and unpleasant. The only way for it to stop and for you to feel better is for you to no longer live together, once you are free of him you will feel so much better. Presumably the house will have to be sold in the divorce?
Ignore all his posturing about what is 'his' and your having to 'pay him back', you are married and have been for many years so that's all just hot air. I find it exasperating the number of times on here you read about men saying this kind of thing. You are not a 'gold digger' if you have spent a lifetime with this man, what utter nonsense.
I assuming you have taken legal advice if you already in the throes of divorce? I think you need to push on with that to secure your freedom. Whatever he says, you have rights here and should not be left with nothing after all those years of marriage. Push for everything you are entitled to and keep in mind that one day you can be free of this nasty, bitter man - who is presumably unhappy because his ridiculous EA with a much younger woman hasn't worked out.

Have you got friends or family you can lean on? He is clearly going to be no support to you so you need to look elsewhere.

You deserve so much more than this. I would ignore him from now on, how dare he swear at you and be so horrible?
Push for the divorce and believe in a much brighter future without him in it.

This is a really shabby way to treat you after 27 years and I know that this is absolutely heartbreaking. essentially his head is not with you or the family anymore. He is sitting it out to wear you down because he feels that the house is his. I would be chasing the solicitor and hastening the divorce. Maximise as much as you can from the process and set yourself up far away from this man. Even if the place you buy is smaller, think about how much better you will feel not having this disrespectful man present, he is treating you so cruelly. You need to put yourself first now. Sadly the marriage is over because he doesn’t want to save it. Have counselling to accept that. Stop trying to confide in him like he is still your friend , he isn’t now. Don’t let this roll on for another 2 years. You are wasting time.
concentrate on you.

All the best for the operation x

He is disgusting and absolute trash.

Are you still holding on to the hope he will behave decently after the operation? I think that would be very unrealistic - he won’t contribute at all.

With kindness, you are being an idiot, there is no relationship and you are only hurting yourself continuing the situation.

He blames you 100% because he’s a cunt, he feels entitled to treat you like shit- and you are letting him.
You must leave, are you working? Does anyone else know what is happening. Parents, siblings, adult children.

I’ve just read back my post, and I hope it doesn’t come across too harshly. The way to get your confidence back is to “take actions”.

Ultimately you will either live in the house or not live in the house. If you want to live in it then you will have to go to court so go back to the solicitor, if you want your own place then you need to have measures to be able to afford it (cash from sale of house:income whatever).

Ultimately, you will have to save yourself here. But the feeling once you do is amazing.

I hope you don’t still cook or clean up for this person?

He says i am a gold digger and have been living here rent free and i should pay him back dated mortgage (50%).

You're married.

You're entitled to 50% of joint assets as a starting point. I hope you have a good divorce solicitor and are making sure you get the max you can.

You can't marry someone and then treat them like a renter/cohabiter ... He hasn't got a leg to stand on. He's delusional.

He got married, his wife is entitled to 50% of joint assets. I know women who bought houses, got married and their cheating, abusive husbands walked away with large payouts.

You've been a faithful wife, he's cheated on you .... Too fucking bad for him.

Oh and taking of gold diggers - he's too dumb to realise a much younger woman, who's not even met him in person, from a country without the economy or benefits of here - is probably that. He's delusional on that front too.

What a stupid, foolish, immoral, callous man.

Stop trying to talk to him, there's no point. His head and dick are ruled by his online relationship. He's going to end up with very little. When his assets reduce from the divorce, if she realises; she may not end up ever moving here or setting up home with him. Even if she does, she may drop him when she realises what his economic circumstances are now. Or she may drop him if he gets leave to remain in the UK. That could take a while.

I'm sure he knows underneath that he's only an attractive prospect to her if he looks like he has money/assets/is comfortable.... That's why he's trying to bully you into thinking you're not entitled to what you're entitled to and trying to get you to walk away with nothing.

Fuck him. He's a delusional, silly, sleazy old man chasing a woman almost 30 years, a lifetime, younger than him. It's unlikely in the extreme that she wants him for him. She wants him for what he can provide for her. And may not stick around.

Has he even video called her, with a clear sight of her? She could be a fucking cat fish.

You need a lot of support right now; I'd there anyone at all you can get support from ... Rather than trying to get it from this cheating, callous, idiot of a man?

*is there

Your husband's "relationship" with this 30 years younger EE young woman is probably a scam of some sort.

Either for British citizenship or money or both.

If it's an online scam, she/they will just try to extract money from him without ever meeting.

If it's a visa and/or money (get half assets in divorce) scam, she needs him divorced.
And it will take several years to play out. Years to get leave to remain in the UK after marriage, years to get married, build up enough time in the marriage to be entitled to a settlement of his assets etc.

So it won't be over in the near future, it'll take years.

If it's the latter type of scam, she'll be using every trick in the book to keep him on course to divorce you, so he's free to marry for visa and money etc.

He's clearly gone hook, line and sinker with this. As far as he's concerned, he's in a new relationship, your relationship/marriage is over and nothing you say or do is going to change that. Your diagnosis didn't even put a dent or a doubt in it. You are wasting your time. If he ever realised what he's done, it'll be years from now.

Your only job is to protect yourself, look after yourself, take support from anyone who can offer it, get the best deal you can in the divorce etc.

If he ever tried to.ckme back to you, I bet you'll have moved on and won't want him by then. And you'd be entirely correct in that.bhes shown himself to be a flighty, disloyal, truly callous, immoral, foolish, nasty man. The way he's treating you is beyond despicable.

*If he ever realises what he's done, it'll be years from now.

If he is under pressure to give "her" money in the meantime, you need to be careful he's not spending or moving money & assets, that you're entitled to in the divorce.

There's a phrase for something you can lodge that notes your claim in the house
. I can't remember the term - it needs done if only his name is on the deeds or mortgage... He could remortgage it etc without your knowledge

https://www.stephensons.co.uk/site/blog/consumer-law-blog/registering_your_interest_in_a_property

It's called registering your interest in a property.

Do you have a divorce solicitor - some will let you pay out of your settlement if you can't pay upfront. Some might let you pay in installments.

The marriage has just hit 27 years

That means something to you.
It clearly means little to him.

Longevity doesn't mean quality or worth.

Some people just tread water/go along with things - until something "better" comes along. The don't put the value on the marriage or the longevity that you do.

In this case the something "better" is probably a delusion, but thats for his idiotic, foolish, nasty arse to discover in time.

You can't spend years in this situation he's created because he considers himself in a new relationship, but won't move out because he considers it his property (it's not, he's married), and won't expedite a divorce because he knows you'll be rightly awarded a settlement of joint assets. Like a 3 yd old m, he's in the corner grasping everything, shouting "Mine! Go away".