Does anyone else suffer chronic health conditions and feel they have nothing to add to their relationship?

[Doyouever]

My self esteem is on the floor at the moment.

Im 4 years post abuse from a 12 year marriage and development Chronic fatigue syndrome. I’m told from the doctors it was due to living under extreme stress.

I have 2 children, one is only 8 months. She was a little surprise. I love her so much but due to my illness I’m struggling a great deal. I feel I’m a terrible mum and a terrible partner. We have been together 3 years.

What am I ever going to add to their lives? I’m currently so fatigued. It doesn’t help she sleeps maximum 2 hrs a night before waking every 30 mins. I will probably never be able to add financially to their lives. I did manage to own my own home from when I was younger, although still owe roughly 25% of the mortgage. I can’t support my partner financially and atm struggle to support with anything. I doubt I’ll be able to re-mortgage in a few years due to the fatigue getting worse so unsure if can work the same hours.

There isn’t much use of me. I want to do so much but I can’t. We are going on a small camping trip in a few weeks. What is average for most I’m terrified of as I’m so so tired. People expect so much of me and I do of myself but Im pretty much of no use. My ex resented me terribly because I didn’t add much financially. I didn’t know at the time I was unwell. He called me lazy and a parasite, I’m scared he is right.

Of course you add to their lives. You just need to do so within the parameters your health allows and make 'reasonable adjustments' to allow you to do your job. Be realistic about your restrictions and adjust activities in line with them. I don't want to be a negative Nellie but camping is exhausting even for people in good health, so in future Id be thinking about trips and activities that accommodated my health needs.
I'd focus on what I could do, reading, chatting, sharing movies, listening, being there, and do that to the best of my ability.
We all have restrictions on how much we can offer, whether they're caused by our jobs, health, other commitments all we can do is the best we can with what we have.
And how can you say you've got nothing financial? You have 75% of a house!

I can well understand how you feel as I too have CFS. I think as PP says, concentrate on what you can do, on what you have achieved. Trying to look into the future and plan is not necessary and will add to your stress. Be kind to yourself and set realistic targets. If something feels too much - don’t do it! It does get better in time so you will hopefully have more energy. It never goes away but with some work and positivity it does improve… lots of hugs.

CFS is awful i really feel for you. I have PMDD and it's a real relationship killer, so i empathise with you wholeheartedly. My new partner is still learning about my condition and being understanding but i don't think anyone really truly gets it unless they have it.

No advice just empathy

On the flip side though, your condition doesn't define you. You are you and there's a reason your partner is with you.

I know how you feel. I'm going camping next week and I'm desperately not looking forward to it. It'll wipe me out just driving there, let alone putting up the tent and having to walk around all day with nowhere to sit down.

I'm sure you wouldn't call me lazy or a parasite though, right?

OP I have ME/CFS and I highly recommend this YouTuber - https://www.youtube.com/@RaelanAgle. The recovery stories she shares helped me to believe recovery is possible (I've gone from bed-bound to being at 90/100 on the ME/CFS scale). I found the stories gave me something positive to associate with the condition, along with hope.

Pacing is key to coping, right. If something doesn't actively contribute to recovery, if it exceeds your energy reserves, then don't do it. So maybe that means nixing the camping trip?

Mostly though, if you haven't talked to a therapist I'd recommend that. You sound like you could use a little support to reframe how you view yourself and to come to terms with the negative impacts of your former relationship. Because y'know ME/CFS is life changing, it isn't the same as being tired, or wiped out, or knackered, it's so much more complex than that. The symptoms we deal with affect not just our physical but our mental and emotional health too, and that can be difficult to accept. But it's very hard for most people (not just those of us with ME/CFS) to be physically able if they're not also mentally able. So, do yourself a kindness and talk to someone who can help you see what a wonderful person you are and just how much you mean to your family.

Everything exceeds my energy levels. I’m exhausted which means mentally I’m struggling. No one cares or offers support, No one understands. I push and push because what other options do I have. I’ve 2 children, one was a surprise and is 8 months and doesn’t sleep. People around me are all doing well. Buying bigger houses etc. I have dreams, none of them will happen.

I am also chronically unwell and can understand your feelings and go through similar myself. I think you may have extra guilt from your horrible ex! What does your partner think? Have you told them how you feel? Remember you don’t need to achieve things everyday although you are, caring for young dcs us alot!

I agree about the camping, some things are just too
much.

I just feel invisible

I want my kids to have a life and experience things. I’m pretty sure everyone around just thinks I’m lazy. My partner deserves a break. I am a massive burden.

My ex who now gets contact every other weekend with the eldest I think makes a point of filling his weekends with activities because he knows I can’t. I’m very jealous. After what he did to me and now I’m unwell and there is nothing wrong with him. It’s not fair.

Hi OP, you are not invisible. You are exhausted. I'm a secondary school teacher and I was discussing exhaustion just yesterday with my friend who is more senior than me in the same school. We were saying how mental exhaustion is so awful and crippling. You have an actual medical condition. Which is a combination of things which create exhaustion.
You are not lazy. You have tons to offer, especially to your children. I had an idyllic country childhood surrounded by family but my mother was a cold person who was unable to communicate with me. I would have loved a mum like you who is aware of her children's needs. Being there and listening and seeing them is so important.
And you are important. You escaped your dreadful ex. And it wasn't that long ago! I won't say focus on the positive I will say you are as entitled to your emotions as anyone else. So let yourself feel them.
And I went camping exactly once. You don't have to like it!

I like camping. I love to be outside, I want to go. But my body is failing me. There are so many things I want to do.

Adjustments need to be made, could you go glamping, all tents put up for you and taken down?

You're frustrated with your body for failing you and responding by trying to push it beyond your capabilities by force of will.
Understandable but completely counter productive. Hard as it is, you need patience. Health management is long game needing slow steady steps.
The things you want to do aren't all off the cards, but will at the moment require compromise and care for you to be able to do them. A camping holiday may well be too much, but one night of a holiday and the rest in a b&b might be more realistic for example.

Nobody in my life cares about me. I’m pretty sure my other half is frustrated which makes me push even more. In-laws have said I’m lazy and to just get on with it. They don’t understand how I would literally love to so much. I don’t know where to turn and it’s making me so down. My oldest asks why are you always tired all the time. I bet she is annoyed with me also that her life isn’t more fun.

You need to talk to your partner instead of guessing how he feels. Your pil are nasty idiots and your dc may or may not feel like that, explain why you are fatigued a lot, I bet she is just happy your her mummy. Look on fb for support groups xx