Exh/children's dad catastrophising everything!

[ThisIsDrivingMeMad]

My exh and I separated nearly 12 years ago. Been divorced for a few years. We have a nearly 17 yo daughter.

He's always been a little 'risk averse' which leads to a tendancy to control (hesnce us splitting up) but it's now turned into a severe anxiety and fear of pretty much everything since covid and its impacting on her life and, to a lesser extent, me.

As.the children are older now (other is an adult) we have less contact but every now an again, he sends me several long, stressed filled texts. I have to read them because occasionally they're about things I need to know about (eg holiday dates or genuine concerns).

But we've had, what can only be described.as 'drama' about her having a boyfriend, going out with her friends, being invited on holiday with her best friend's family. He is overwhelmingly worried about her being attacked or raped. And trying to impose huge restrictions on her life to avoid this is logical, sensible and justifiable in his eyes.

It's definitely got worse since lockdown. He started wfh beforehand as he was clinically vulnerable, never went back and now rarely leaves the house. He's lost contact with his friends. His wife still sees people and socialised but he considers people going to pubs etc to be reckless and foolhardy. He's intelligent, educated and high up in his organisation so he's not a stupid man but totally overwhelmed.

Most recently, school contacted him to say she hadn't registered at school. They'd also contacted me but I'm a teacher and can't have my phone with me during the day so he is the first point of contact. He contacted the school in an absolute panic. It transpired that she was at school (as always) and had been in registration but the teacher had accidentally marked her absent.

He sent them an email which he copied me into detailing how he was 'sick with worry' and 'about to call the poice', 'shaking' about fears of her having been 'raped and lying in a ditch'. Etc.

Now obviously, it's a safeguarding issue on their part and not the first time it's happened - we've quite often had these messages and it's always turned out she's in school. He's told them he's going to block them from communicating with him which is ridiculous since he's their contact if she's ill and one day she might actually be missing!

Is it worth me actually speaking with him.about this and suggesting that his responses are disproportionate? His anxiety is through the roof and he catastrophises constantly. Eg he constantly worries that our eldest will end up homeless and on the streets to the point where he insisted he applied for a job within his organisation. Tbf, he did, the job is going well and he has little contact with his dad being in a different department but still.

Ignore all the drama - his issues aren't your problem.

In all my years of putting 3 children through school I have never heard of a teacher marking a pupil as absent when they were there. Not once. It's really odd that this happens to your daughter often.

I'm not sure what way the current relationship is between yourself and him is to have the right conversation. But he does sound like someone suffering from extreme anxiety and depression. Covid had a massive impact on some people's mental health, struggling to come out of the lock down and seeing everything as a perceived threat. I would say it to him in a kind and concerned way. "over the past while you're reactions to certain situations have been over the top. I feel that, likeany others, you have developed some anxieties post covid. Your behaviours are having an impact on the children which is why I feel I need to raise it with you."

He clearly needs some mental health support op - This level
of anxiety isn’t normal. This isn’t your place of course - probably more his wife’s to nudge him in the right direction? Do you have any communication with her current wife, could you speak to her and ask that she talks with him? Surely this affects their relationship too!

But it’s obviously a big sore point between the two do you so he won’t listen to you and frankly it’s not your job to help him! BUT it is affecting you and your children so ideally he needs to get some help.

In the meantime as Pp says, ignore the drama! And reassure your daughter she is absolutely fine to have a boyfriend, go on holiday etc to try and minimise the effect on her.

I am not sure if you can do anything - you can work as a buffer when he is negatively impacting your children's lives (or just ignore him, as they probably do), but not much beyond that. Even close family members would struggle to force someone to seek mental health treatment, something he obviously needs, as an ex you have no ground to stand on. Not to mention it can ruin your health trying to rein in his paranoia.

I think it's odd too but the school have always confirmed that she is there. There have been a couple of times her train was late but she's always been in school. There are no concerns from school re her.

It's not only her it's happened to. Some of her friends parents have said they receive similar amd, when I told my colleague abut it yesterday, she said they'd had the same message earlier this week.

It only seems to have been an issue since she started 6th form.

it depends on the system the school is using or if students are late (because then you have to go into the system and amend it, teacher may forget or the system doesn't like amends etc.)

Unfortunately I don't have any contact with his wife. We've never been allowed to meet and we don't have each other's contact numbers.

From what the children say though, they seek to spend a lot of time combining about other people and egging each other on. There is a lot of "Does your mum know you're doing that??" About perfectly normal things like going for a walk in the park with her boyfriend because he might rape her. And then comments about how disengaged I am, disinterested I am or feckless I am when she says "of course she does."

They bought a flat last year and complain endlessly about the neighbours eg one having some work done what described as "another problem we've got to deal with".

I do try and mitigate the impact it has on her but she is often in tears of frustration at another circular argument or a circle she just can't square in his eyes. He picks at everything she says and twists it to imply she's said something else. He asks her for details she can't possibly have at that stage of planning and then berates her for being too immature to do whatever she wants to do. She's actually a really sensible kid!

This has happened to my year 7 three times.

You are not responsible for his interactions with others. Unless he is saying things about you that aren't true you can just ignore. It'll be obvious to the school his emails have nothing to do with you and it may be helpful for the school to be aware of his anxiety so they can support your child if there are any impacts on her.

Also, criticising him is unlikely to help your own dynamic with him.

Your daughter is going to be 18 in a year, so model cracking on and mostly ignoring his anxiety. He'll have to deal with his own feelings because she is going to grow up regardless.

I think stepping back isn’t too bad for you but the main thing is to teach your dcs that they are not responsible of their dad’s anxiety. They are nit there to ease his fears by changing their lives around him.

Do they have strategies to deal with him?
Are they able to step back or is it having a huge negative effect in them? The obvious answer would be to go LC with him if that is the case but I don’t think it’s a fair suggestion to make to them.

Otherwise, yes he needs help from his GP/counsellor but you, as his ex, aren’t going to be able to nudge in that direction. Your dcs might?? Or his current wife if you are in good terms with him.

I think you need to ignore it. He's not going to change is he? She's going to be an adult very soon and will be able to tell him to mind his own. Ensure she's strong and able to be firm with him and his wife. He clearly has extensive mental health issues and that's not your responsibility to fix, however, I really feel for you as this would drive me scatty. Just nod and smile. Don't pander to his drama.

Xpost

but she is often in tears of frustration at another circular argument or a circle she just can't square in his eyes. He picks at everything she says and twists it to imply she's said something else. He asks her for details she can't possibly have at that stage of planning and then berates her for being too immature to do whatever she wants to do. She's actually a really sensible kid!

so she needs strategies to deal with her dad.

To start with, she needs to start avoiding telling him too much!
Then she needs to learn to grey rock him. When he asks for details , instead if trying to explain, convince etc… I’d just answer ‘I don’t know yet’. Her trying to calm his anxieties down doesn’t work. He isn’t rational about it and going in with more explanations is just adding fuel to the fire.
Can you work with her about some stock answers she can give him when he is going on and on about stuff like this?

I bet things with Mrs2 are shaky . It’s time to shoot right between the eyes. Tell him to stop being a whiney, controlling manbaby because HIS MH issues are affecting you and DD. He has a responsibility to both of you to get an actual grip and think before he shoots off at the mouth. Remind him that DD will be 18 next birthday and she needs to be prepared to take on the world and all it has to offer, instead of snivelling alone in a little mouse hole trapped by fear. Let him know that adults don’t rely on the rest of the world to be their sounding boards 100% of the time, and in his case - silence is Golden.

unfortunately you may need to teach your daughter how to distance herself not from her dad but from his anxieties.

Telling her that her boyfriend is going to rape her on a walk to the park is the next level paranoia - the second she starts spiralling, she needs to learn how to cut the conversation short. Not engage, not allow him to rant.

It's unfortunately a well known fact that there is no reasoning with people who have lost touch with reality and this is what appears to be happening to him and it may get worse. It's not her problem to fix and she shouldn't come back in tears from speaking to her dad

also, your daughter can just learn to repeat like a broken record "im not telling you anything because you get paranoid over simplest activities". blunt honesty sometimes helps with boundaries

I would get your daughter some support to help her set boundaries with her dad. I'm in grief counselling atm and actually a lot of my difficulties are around my weird family, the help my counsellor has given me around setting boundaries has been life-changing. It would have been AMAZING to have those skills at age 17!

I would also speak to the school and your own boss about the first point of contact thing - is there an adjustment they can make for the next year to avoid dad being point of contact? Maybe you can have your phone for the first hour of the day or something? Those kind of messages aren't helping anyone and potentially could be really difficult for the people receiving them.

He sounds like a suffocating, controlling nightmare. Jesus. Your poor children.

He forced his eldest to work at his own organisation so he can control him. Awful.

I don’t know what to suggest but fuck me, I’m glad you’re away from him and glad the kids have you as a voice of reason.

From experience I know that this happens with class registers. Some staff more prone to error than others!

In all my years of putting 3 children through school I have never heard of a teacher marking a pupil as absent when they were there.

Just to say that we have had this at least twice, at primary though, which caused a panic. At secondary we were once contacted and asked why DS was absent, with accompanying lecture about the importance of attendance etc etc when he was on a school trip to Italy. Did make me wonder whether he had somehow missed the coach but luckily he was old enough for me to just text him and check 😅

Could your son be the first point of contact, then he can text his sister about the registration thing and then ring your school reception if there’s an issue that needs dealing with?

RE. your ex - some stock responses are a really good idea. And just telling her dad less! Which won’t feel good for now at least but is actually better for him in the long run.

It sounds twofold - one side is your ex’s severe MH conditions, the other is him and his wife being a pair of misery guts (eg. neighbours having work done). I know one can feed into the other though. He sounds like he has the kind of chronic (essentially clinical) anxiety that can’t be rationalised or calmed, exacerbated by isolation.

Has he ever actively stopped her from doing anything? Like stopped her from leaving the house if she says she’s off out with her friends/boyfriend? If she’s off to uni/travel/work next year god knows how he’ll cope.

Hope things get better for you all.

I think teaching her the grey rock method is a great idea as queen bee suggested.

Can she use the grey rock, not tell him anything about her life. And if he persists tell her to leave. Have a plan in place where she calmly tells him that he is making her uncomfortable with the questions. If he keeps going then she just gets up and leaves. I also don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to not allow him to contact her on her phone.

When my parents split up in the 1970’s I used to alternate living with each of them. However when I got to approx 14 yrs I decided I wanted to live with just my mother. I did still see my Dad but I didn’t want to be around his contant anger, although at the time I think I said it was because I didn’t want to keep moving my stuff about.. Is this an option for your DD? Also I agree with supporting your daughter to develop her skills in dealing with his odd behaviour to minimises its impact on her wellbeing. One benefit of your ex continuing to be the first contact for the school, is that his OTT response to their incorrect information may teach them to check their facts before they incorrectly mark her absent again. Your DD will be already developing her own coping strategies - talk to her about what these are and how well they are serving her.

I've had it happen twice now. And actually the second time it happened was with 2 separate teachers, 2 lessons in a row which really sent the school into a spin as to how it happened. And yes, all the teachers knew my son was there are were extremely apologetic about their stuff up. Nowadays roll call is done on devices instantly and there's no "fixing" that error once the roll is finished. Just because it never happened to you, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

Disengage.

He sends a massive long ranting text, you reply that you aren’t going to read it and that if there’s information you need to text just that. Tell him what TLDR stands for and just send that!

His anxiety is not your problem to deal with. Drop the rope and let go of the constant chasing to give him answers he’s happy with. He’s never going to be happy, so you are wasting your emotional energy on him.

Your daughter does not need to see him. She can visit him for a few hours at a time and then leave. Having that constant narrative is really detrimental. Your teenage girl is being taught to do everything possible to appease men even when their behaviour is unreasonable and controlling. She can’t live her life to its full extent because he’s poisoning her sense of adventure. Why would you go try new things when dad’s voice is at the back of your mind telling you it’s going ti end in disaster?

Does your son actually want to work at the same place as his dad? That’s staggeringly unreasonable. Again, he’s changing his life to appease EXH’s unreasonable anxiety. EXH is basically saying he thinks DS is completely useless and incapable of doing anything positive for himself. That’s a really low expectation to have of your child. How do you think your DS feels knowing his dad has such a low opinion of him.

All three of you need to get some boundaries. Work out how much shit you want to take on then reject what’s too much. Have a think about how much time you’re all spending worrying about EXH’s reactions. It’s vicarious anxiety and none of you need to deal with it.

Lolapusht: Your teenage girl is being taught to do everything possible to appease men even when their behaviour is unreasonable and controlling.

That's how I would see it. You don't want to undermine her father as a parent but it's important that she knows his reactions aren't normal or healthy. I think you need to remove him as the school's first point of contact and scale back his involvement in your daughter's life until his mental health improves.