If you have an alcohlic partner, parent, friend or relative....

[MoreSpamThanGlam]

Can you tell me how you cope with them?

I mean, how do you cope with the manipulation? How do you stay strong to your boundaries?

I would love to hear any advice.

have cut all ties.
end of.

can do tho, its a freind. cant watch them any longer.

Its my Mum. She is on her own and will not stop. When she is sobre she is lovely.

Ive had years of abuse from her and need to make some changes.

You should contact al-anon, it's support specifically for friends/relations of alcoholics, they can teach you how to cope with the things you have mentioned without cutting them off.

cant advise but there is a big thread from alcoholics etc, have a butchers at that, it is active at the mo.

thanks donbean, but I darent join in. I will be stoned to death!

Peggotty - I joined al-anon a long while back but each week it seemed to be more like a social club for people that have known each other for a while and discussing their week...maybe I should try a new one?

Anyone else have any experience?

Can you contact Al-anon or similar ? I believe they also help the relatives of alcoholics.

My step-uncle was an alcoholic. He moved in with us when I was about 12 or 13. My then stepfather (his only sibling) moved him in in a bid to try and give him some stability, a starting block from which to get dry.

We tried everything, he went into rehab numerous times and was even sectioned for his own safety . He always went back to the drink. It was incredibly difficult (and often frightening) to live with. In the end he got a flat and seemed to be doing ok, he was drinking much less at least. He found a partner and they had a baby very quickly. He seemed happy. 18 months later things deteriorated and she left with the baby (he got violent and was back to drinking very heavily).

My Mum and ex-stepdad split up (10 years ago now) and the last I heard my step-uncle was in a coma in a critical condition as a result of his alcoholism

Terrible waste of a life. When he was dry and clean (he began as a heroin addict, got clean and then slowly the booze replaced the heroin) he was a handsome, engaging man and a talented chef.

I suppose none of that really helps your situation but I just wanted you to know that I know how hard it can be to watch a loved one destroy themselves and know, in your heart of hearts, that there is nothing you can do to make them stop.

sorry, by the time I'd typd all that out, al anon had be brought up and discussed !

Can't really give advise except to say I just put a lot of distance between us.
I have a very close friend who is an alcholic, I love her to bits but hate when she is drunk, the final straw came whenwe went to visit her and her DH (who also likes a drink) with our DC's, we drove 150 miles and ended up spending the whole day in the pub watching them get drunk.

I got very annoyed and we drove home the same day, I have refused to visit her ever since

My dad's been an alcoholic ever since I can remember. He used to start drinking every night at 7:30 but he'd be watching the clock for an hour or so before. He used to get so drunk that he'd fall up the stairs and wee on the bathroom floor. There was no point trying to talk to him about it, in the daytime he was hungover, drunk at night. I managed to get an A level at school and ran off to the first University that would let me in. It wasn't easy, I couldn't study because it was the wrong environment to do work in and I couldn't concentrate. He used to borrow money off me to buy beer, he never hid it though and always paid it back. I think that it depends on the alcoholic, I used to work in a pub, some were ok when they were drunk, others would not. It's not a nice place for anyone to be in though and there are no answers to what you are going through. Sometimes you have to make the best of a bad situation. Al-anon sound like a good idea. I still visit my dad, he's dying now (emphasema)but he's still drinking. I just don't phone him in the evening and I live too far for him to visit. It's hard for people when they love someone. Stay strong, do what's right for you and your family, not for her. Some people are just out to take take, take. You're not stuck with them just because the're family. I wish you well.

I have this issue with my Mum.

I am able to enjoy a fairly functional relationship with her since applying the following conditions for myself as much as her:

1. I will never ever lend her money again. I will buy her food but never pay bills, give her money or pay off debts.

1. I refuse to communicate with her if she is drunk.

1. She does not have, not ever will have my address. I have to say I find this the hardest thing of all; I would love to be able to cook dinner for her on Mother's Day for instance. But if she knew my address I will always run the risk of her turning up on my doorstep pissed and shouty which when you have friends round is far from ideal.

It has taken me my entire life to accept that I cannot save her, and am not responsible for her life choices or behaviour.

How did you tell her you dont want her to know where you live?

A few years ago she turned up at my brother's house in a very pissed state at 1am. She shouted and screamed to be let in, so much so that she frightened my toddler nephew

I made a conscious decision there and then never to open up that part of my life to her. I moved counties a few months later, but have just moved back to live literally 5 miles from where she is. She knows the vague area I am in, but not the address; she knows why- and when she is sober is understanding of it, not so understanding when drunk but given 'clause 2' I don't talk to her then anyway!

you have to accept that you can never change her. Never ever. Changing is her responsibility - very much along the lines that Shiny has said. It also took me a hell of a long time to accept that - it was easy knowing that's what I had to do, it was much harder putting it into practice. In truth, I think I was around 23/24 before I accepted that and I had lived with it for a lifetime.

Once you start thinking of it like that, you just disengage from the situation. She's your mother but you accept that she can't love you like one if she's always drunk.

I actually think it's harder when they still have moments of being sobre because it gives you that dreadful glimmer of hope that you might actually have a proper relationship. Perversely, once that sobreness has gone, it becomes much easier because you kill that hope.

Depends how close you are
My DB was, my DPs and his DW had it the worse, I was able to take the best and ignore the worst whilst hoping for the best.
He did die last year (alcohol related death) which means I was pleased that I had managed to enjoy good times with him
Good luck, who is it that you know?

sorry have just read that it is your mum

sober...can't spell

am sorry you are going through this MSTG. It's v hard. You have to develop strength in your own convictions. Once you have that, it's much easier. You need to believe you are making the right decisions and I'm sure you are.

I think it still works, protect yourself from the worst stuff, and then try to take some of the good stuff, if there is any left

I know I am at a cross roads this week and need to tell her....something....I just dont know what or how to do it.

She can also be quite a caustic and cold person when she is sobre and the child inside me is still frightened of her.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. There is a section in there also on alcoholic parents.

i'm still struggling iwth this one.
as soon as my parents have a drink, the barriers come up and i shut down emotionally.
When sober, they are lovely and then i feel guilty for hating them so much when they drink. actually, it;s not them i hate, it's what they do/say when they've had a drink.
20 years now, they dont even have to drink a lot to go over the edge.
mum is also schizophrenic so add paranoia, resentment and generally 'you all hate me and it's your fault i drink' to the mix.

My DH has been such a help. He helped me see it's not my fault. that as a 13 year old child there was no way i should have taken care of them emotionally adn mentally the way i did, and that they will probably never apologise or even realise they were in the wrong. it would probably be too painful for them even to acknowledge.

So now i just focus on my DH adn my son (4 mths) old, i dont drink, i dont want me son to go thru what i went thru.
i call them 1-2 times per week adn visit when they are not drinking. they are doing ok, and we just avoid each other when they are drinking. i have told them how it makes me feal and they know my son will not visit if they are drinking and will never stay over, just in case.
They now only contact me when they are doing well and not drinking.

Maybe talk to her, if you can, try to explain how you feel but dont go there expecting an apology. just make peace with it in your own heart and focus on the goods things in your life.

i am so sorry that is so ling- i just started typing and couldn't stop.
very catharic tho! xx

Do you have close friends you can talk to?
I finally said a close family member had a drink problem and 3 close friends then told me their parent(s) had problems and all sorts of stuff which really helped. I never knew my best mate from school's mum was an alcoholic! We talked for a long time and it really helped both of us.

I have 2 BIL who have completely cleaned up and you can't do it unless you want to. You cannot beg/force/blackmail someone into seeking help, it does not work.
They have to want to do it for themselves, not their kids or partner or anything else. Otherwise they slowly go back to their old ways.

Addicts are very selfish and very manipulative and will do anything to service their habit so I would say:
Don't believe anything they say without trying to get another version or treating claims of what they have done with a pinch of salt
They really think it is not their fault, they have no problem, so tyou cannot have a rational conversation with them unless they admit they have a problem
Don't lend money, don't start agreeing to do things for them...they will use the time to get drunk

Find a support group, someone will always be able to top your story such as "8 months pregnant have to rush 400 miles to rescue mother after police say she has been wandering round town in the middle of the night in a disorientated condition" to find mother has discharged herself from hospital and has robbed an off licence

If you have a partner get them to remind you not to falter. I sometimes feel sorry for a family member and my DH only has to say "it wasn't 5 star ENOUGH!" to stop me feeling sorry for them! (this refenrecnes my drunk in-law abusing room service in the Marriot 5 star hotel as she thought they were too late coming with her meal).

Don't take their crapness to heart. They are throwing the drink down their throats, not you.

Don't clear up their crap, it's their mess not yours

Support them if they decide to clean up

Get on with your own life, don't make your kids suffer because they have decided to piss their life against a wall

Remind your self that it is their choice and they should take the consequences

..and it is hard...