29, two under two, don’t love my partner anymore

[Tiredmumma2]

Don’t really know where to start. I’m 29, have a two year old and 6 month old. Been with my partner since I was 22 and he was 25. I was a completely different person when I met him and I feel like I’ve outgrown him and don’t love him anymore.

We have a good life, both in well paid jobs, just renovated our family home, can afford holidays and nice stuff, on the service you’d think we had a pretty perfect life. But we are not compatible, we are both very hot headed people and have grown to resent each other.

My partner is very aggressive, I’m not scared of him and he’d never hurt me but he is one of those men who can be very condescending, belittling, talks down to me, expects a lot of sex, try’s to get out of childcare blah blah, typical lazy man who was raised wrong. The problems really started when I started earning a lot more than him, I saved up enough to buy as our family home (all in my name as his credit is awful from being young and dumb), I then was laid off from a job in tech and got a huge pay out that did our house up. I guess I resent him, he’s never been good with money, he’s put me in positions where I had to pay off bailiffs and debts and I’ve always been a lot more sensible with money and savings. I provide for our children and have made sure through blood sweat and tears they have the best life possible. I’m back st work already and work from home whilst looking after my baby, I took the job because although my partner makes good money he is extremely unreliable and I can’t trust him to pay the mortgage and bills.

I guess I just want to know is this normal to resent and fall out of love with your partner. My worry is we are such different people, we were raised very different, have different morals, thoughts, opinions. He’s very “right wing”, I’m not. I’m uptight at home and very ocd, he’s not. I like to work out, he doesn’t, he likes staying in for film nights and takeaways I’d prefer to go out, I’m a stress head and he ignores things etc etc. we are extremely opposite in most ways. The only thing we align on is how much we love our children and that they are the most important thing.

I feel trapped, I’m so young to spend my life with someone I don’t love but on the other hand all I care about is my children having a secure and loving home which we try to give them with a childhood with both parents.

can the love come back or do I just suck it up for my children until they are older? I worry that life is so short and am I missing out on the chance to be truly loved and my children witness that. Will they grow up knowing we don’t really love each other and that will damage them more. If I was to ever leave financially I’d be ok, I’d sell my house, buy something cheaper and I earn enough to support us but my partner would make my life hell, he wouldn’t co parent in a healthy way and I know he’d never forgive me if I left him which in turn I know would damage my children. Just feel stuck and depressed, I see happy couples all around me and wonder what I did wrong. 😔

Here to post for support. Unfortunately I don’t have the answers in a semi similar situation. 27 DH 10yrs older 2 children 5 & 6M rented house that I love couldn’t afford it on my own. We’ve grown apart want / have different ambitions/ life goals. What do you do? He’s. It awful but is also typical lazy man!! I work FT & do all house work / childcare ect. He thinks he does above & beyond & I do F all & I think that of him. I’m really falling out of love with him. Life is hard so hard when children are involved. Posting for support not advice I’m afraid. Hope things work out & you end up happy.

He's a typical lazy man who was raised wrong, as you have put it. So why stay another 18 years?

Kick him out and live your life for you and your children.
you could get someone else as a third party contact to deal with pick ups and drop offs or better still go and see a solicitor and put mediation in place to sort out a plan for the children.
Don't stay with him, you’re a capable person who’s built a life most would dream of for your children you really don’t need him. Best of luck

Given you have children together you should always try relationship counselling first. From what you've described it doesn't sound promising, but if he can work on some of the worst things (the jealousy of your status, the not contributing to parenting), the rest of it might not seem too bad (political differences don't have to be a disaster in a relationship as long as you respect each other's opinions). It's easy for posters to advise a username on a screen to 'kick him out' (this isn't even feasible, why would he go), but I'd only advise ending the relationship once you've had some professional support

You don’t like him.

Counselling won’t fix that. I get you are thinking of the kids, but the kids are seeing a really unhealthy dynamic of a misogynist having his life facilitated by their father. A father who doesn’t even want to spend time with them. A father who shirks all responsibility while their mother picks it all up and is miserable.

Thats what you are teaching them relationships look like.

Depends on how the house is owned, if in joint name he is legally entitled to live in it

She has already said she owns the house as he has bad credit.
It’s almost like you have put yourself under an emotional blackmail to stay with him.
dont!
get yourself out of this situation. Yes it will be tough. BUT trust me as someone who is a lot older than you. You don’t want to look back and wish you hadn’t settled for someone who didn’t deserve you. or that you didn’t make the most out of life. We are only here for so long so we need to really make the most of it and cherish every moment.
I did that.
Your children will be fine, eventually. Yes it will be upsetting. But it’s worth it. Let them see you thrive and be happy - then they will see what life is really about.

Op hasn’t referred to him as a husband and states she bought the house and is in her name.

"he is one of those men who can be very condescending, belittling, talks down to me, expects a lot of sex, try’s to get out of childcare blah blah, typical lazy man... I guess I resent him, he’s never been good with money, he’s put me in positions where I had to pay off bailiffs and debts"

This is enough to say don't even try to resurrect any feelings for him. Plan to leave.

You say he was raised wrong, are you raising your children wrong by keeping them in an environment where they are exposed to the effects of his raising?

*I don’t believe ‘typical’ men are ‘raised wrong’. If they cared about you/family unit they wouldn’t watch you do it all, they’d learn.
The patriarchy seeks for a woman to blame - his mum usually.

Get him out of your home. There doesn’t seem to be a single redeeming quality to him. You however, sound like you’ve got a good head and a Stirling future. So long as you can shake off this aggressive, right wing, lazy, messy, freeloader.

Personally, I don't think the love will come back.

Exh and I were inherently 2 different people. We spent years wanting each other to be people we just were not. I ended up becoming a person I didn't recognise.

We jointly Owned home, I split with him when DD was 1, first 2 years he was very very hot headed, next 2 not so bad. Its been 4 years now and finally at a happy medium

Our child is the happiest girl you'll ever know. She wouldn't have been had I stayed.

Leave. And the more he kicks off, the more HE is ruining their lives. Remind him of that

I wouldn't say it's normal, no.
DH and I have been together 14 years since we were 17 and I still very much love him.
I can't see a way back for you unless he is willing to put the work in and change but I gave a strong suspicion he won't. The longer you put up with this, the more the resentment will grow and is that the sort of relationship you want to have as an example for your children?

Nope, it's not normal and you sound like you know it. You sound smart and self-aware, and even though things must have been reasonably okay recently enough to make your DC, you're right that it's not going to get better and will very probably get worse. You're not compatible and the best thing to do is acknowledge that and separate while the DC are little and you can both make fresh starts and raise them in a hopefully amicable co-parenting arrangement. Or less so if he's an arse about it, but that's beyond your control. What you can have more influence over is the future happiness of yourself and the DC and it sounds like you've woken up to this in time to make a fresh start in your 30s and make sure the DC aren't raised to accept the same poor behaviour as DP.