Family dynamics/favouritism

[Chikoletta]

We have 3 kids, eldest, DC1, is 6 years old.

A situation has developed where DH seems more bonded to DC1 than the other two, he was very involved looking after DC1 as a baby but life circumstances have meant he wasn't around as much when the other 2 were born. He is good playing with them all.

However, he definitely invests more time and effort with DC1, taught them lots of things eg. to read, but doesn't do this with the others two kids. Is also more tolerant when it comes to emotional needs & is more likely to feel annoyed with DC2, judges them more harshly for example.

As well as this being upsetting in that youngest DC are not as close to him, it gets in the way of me being close to DC1 sometimes.

I have spoke to him to give.about it bur he doesn't really 'see it'.

Anyone notice similar?

My ex was like this, except our eldest child was the scapegoat and my second child was the golden child. You can look up those terms if you haven’t heard them before, and see whether you recognize the dynamic.

My ex was the golden child growing up and seemed to think that having favourites and treating them differently was no big deal. Part of the reason he’s an ex is because I left because I could no longer tolerate what it was doing to my eldest.

I hope it’s not as bad for you. We tried family counselling and all sorts, but it took me years to properly recognise the dynamic.

I should add that the terms I used are generally used for an extreme version where (at least) one parent is a narcissist. I don’t believe my ex was narcissistic to the point of being diagnosable, but the dynamic was the same.

In addition, it took me a very long time to get over the awful behaviour of a psychiatrist who saw my son for a while and assumed I was an enabler and actually accused me in front of my son, when really I was initially naive and ultimately stuck.

Anyway, I’m babbling on and quite possibly you don’t recognize the dynamic I’ve described. Perhaps your husband is great in every other way and it really is just about bonding because of presence or absence. I hope so, because realising your husband is damaging your children’s mental health is a rotten thing to go through as a mother.

Is the first child a boy?

Well its all a novelty with the eldest isn't it? Most people are nowhere near as excited the third time they teach a new skill or witness a milestone as the first. Decent parents just don't let it show. But enthusiasm for parenting tasks waning with subsequent children is not unusual. The higher level of input is part of the reason eldest children are said to share some common personality traits.