Is my partner's Ex toxic or still in love with him or what?

[Pathfinder1987]

Hi, first time poster, long time lurker..

quick back story - DP has a child with ex, they broke up 3 years ago. There has been abuse claims from her throughout but nothing has ever come of the allegations other than gossip. Ex has diagnosed mental health issues , suicide, self harm etc

DP starts dating me, we fall in love etc etc he proposes 12 months later we are planning a wedding...

Ex all but stops any contact between DP and his son and consistently berated and belittled his parenting style and ability if and when he was allowed to have his son. DP and myself are now blocked on all forms of contact (i have only ever contacted her once over a surprise party for DP over a year ago - spoiler alert she told him) and only a few emails this year have been sent regarding their son from my DP - she claims this was then harassment.

DP issues a Child Custody court application, she counter issues a non-molestation order citing rape, emotional abuse and coercive behaviour throughout their relationship ... the judge dismissed it and told her to get on with being a parent.

Her partner, family and what feels like the whole town have got involved with this and have been volatile, abusive and down right horrible to my DP on handovers. We have taken advice from the Police, SS and our legal team HOWEVER she just wont stop.

slanders my DP on social media, makes up gossip between mutual "friends" about how horrendous we are as people, claims her new partner is more of a father and lover than my DP ever was etc etc the usual stuff.... but it hurts.

The bottom line is that my DP wants to see his son, they have a great relationship and the little time they do spend together is filled with laughter and cherished moments.

Just wanting advice really, what's her point to all of this? why does everyone seem to believe all of this accusations when there is written evidence to prove she lies at any given opportunity for her own gain...

I'm trying to stay strong and supportive and not take it personally but it hurts watching my DP miss out on his little boy growing up, it really does.

Just wait, she'll split with the new guy and spread the same stuff about him and people eill start to cotton on.

Just keep her and any mutual acquaintances blocked and try live your lives as best as you can.
Mutual friends are not your friends. Put in distance there.

Try not to talk much at handovers and do them in public places.

Thick skin and ignore, ignore, ignore.

Why would you waste head space on such a jealous and resentful individual? What she thinks is of no relevance whatsoever.

Block her, don't look at her social media, if anyone comments, just say 'oh is she still rambling', roll your eyes and move on. Don't give her another thought. That's what she wants.

So there's a court order in place? Can he see about having his time increased?

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about what other people think. If they believe her over you they are not your friends.

She will not change, parents like her are bitter and just want control. He shouldn't have to put up with that at handovers though, is there a possibility of changing who does it or for example, he collects/drops off to school or nursery instead of her? Not good for the child at all to witness that.

Went through similar for years and it is upsetting but all you can do is try to detach. There was a forum called British Second Wives club which is very helpful for practical advice and just support really. Not sure if it's still a thing but you should have a look.

Get out & run fast..you don’t want or need this drama. Leave him to it, honestly it won’t work out well for your mental health so run & don’t look back. Baggage is never the children it’s the ex. Save yourself

my DP has an order in place where she isn't allowed to attend handovers and only one other person is to on her behalf, and thats been working okay.... but i feel underlaying ripples of something brewing.

we have the custody case soon, so as soon as its been to court she wont be able to pull any stunts........ (hopefully) and everyone can live happily ever after 😂

thats our main concern is that the DS is witness to her behaviour... she has made it very clear it is all about my DP and not about being the best parent she can be.

You will never have the end of it, seriously leave him to it & find a good man that doesn’t have kids

Just checking- do you have evidence that she is wrong? It's just that the "crazy ex" trope is depressingly common.

hi yes we have thousands of messages, social media posts, emails, police reports etc etc

unfortunately she seems to be playing the "abusive ex" card... which i agree with you and again is depressingly common. It infuriates me that there are women, men and children in actual abusive situations and she's just throwing it around willy-nilly.

my DP is not abusive in anyway, he is the kindest person and love his DS dearly. We are all heartbroken for him that he has to deal with this.

But in what way are the posts and messages evidence that she's lying about the abuse? Other than your DP stating that they're lies?

I would always believe an ex who says she was abused. Always. I'd rather be wrong to leave him than wrong to stay with him.

It also strikes me as quite soon to propose after a year. Currently the way you talk about him, makes me feel he's a little too perfect. Why the rush to get married?

It's obvious you're not going to leave him, but I would really strongly recommend having a long engagement and not rushing into anything.

my DP and i have been friends for years, i know his family very well and have socialised with his siblings through mutual friends since my late teens. there were separated for 2years before we became romantically involved.

there is no rush and we havent set a date as tbh we want to enjoy the planning process and would love his son to be at the wedding.

weve got emails / texts from EX to say she sorry for lying, for hitting DP, for not supporting, for having meltdowns over him not emptying the dishwasher after working away all week etc... weve got screenshots sent from Ex to DP when they were together conversations between her and her friends saying to told them she made the rape accusations up and that she has admitted to lying to them.

There are so many things but if you have taken that she is the abused one just because she says is then even the judge must be wrong also.