I’m not taking my pill properly

[lessthantypicaluse]

Just need to get these feelings out. I have created a new account for this, so first post.

I am aware this is an inflammatory title- so I just want to preface this by saying that my husband would be VERY happy with another baby and has told me as much. This isn’t a ‘baby trap’ by any means, more self-destruction on my own part.

I had two miscarriages before we had our 2 year old, which has put me off being pregnant again. I am very happy with our lovely daughter and we are so blessed that she is here. I am also very taken with the financial and time benefits of only having one child. I’d say I am about 90% decided.

I had my daughter via c section due to trauma from the miscarriages and struggle with any kind of vaginal inspection, which is why I haven’t had a coil put in. I had a bad experience with the implant too as a younger woman, which is why I am on the pill.

But I’m not taking it properly :( sometimes forgetting, sometimes actively looking at myself in the mirror as I decide not to take it that day. I have breakthrough bleeding constantly because of this and feel so up and down due to the hormone drop. Sometimes I’ll take 50% of a packet. Some months I’m better, but still forgetting or not invested so end up following the missed pill protocols. I breastfeed very frequently still so this is probably helped my ‘luck’ in not falling.

DH has offered to buy me the new Apple Watch with a thermometer so I can cycle track and we can use condoms too but I absolutely don’t want the merry-go-round of knowing when I’m ovulating. It’s too much like TTC.

I think I do want to be pregnant again but I am terrified of trying and having problems and miscarrying again, so don’t want to try. But part of it I think is social conditioning because I spend a lot of time on MN and know lots of people trying for 2 and 3.

Do reproductive counsellors exist? Is there someone I can speak to?

I feel so so so silly.

OK so clearly there's something going on psychologicaly.

Because let's face it it's not hard to remember to take a pill once a day every day. In ten years I forgot one maybe 5 times max.

So either decide to take them or decide to stop. Because you're fucking up your hormones big time atm.

Secondly, I could ve wrong here but, I believe women are extra fertile whilst breastfeeding right? So you're taking massive risks.

Thirdly, you're struggling atm, so absolutely no wise to get pregnant again.

Maybe you still have conflicting feelings because of the miscarriages? Not to go all doctor Phil...but could you be feeling guilt? Guilt at having lost the prior little ones and it's making youfeel as if you're somehow wrong for not giving new life a chance?

Or something to thar affect.

Or...because what you went through was so traumatic, you feel the need to revisit it in order to heal from it? Eg: if the experience was easier this time round...it might heal the trauma from before.

Haha OK I totally won't Dr Phil there xD

Who knows. Maybe just a normal therapist to talk things through with would help.

In the mean time...I'd set an alarm to remind you to take your pill. And maybe always use condoms.

Work through what's going on with you first. Dont risk an oops baby.

This deliberately forgetting and playing Russian roulette with your pill isn't good for your health and will mess with your hormones so please try to be consistent with it. Are you doing it because you actually do want to accidentally fall pregnant without having to make the decision, or because social media makes you feel you should have another child? Try to work out what you really want and maybe consider some therapy to help you work through your feelings. You've been through a lot to have your little one so for now enjoy her and give yourself more time before you make up your mind what you really want to do. Try not to put pressure on yourself, it's your decision and your choice.

I fear that this is it- I want the decision to be taken out of my hands. I don’t want to ‘try’ and have the heartbreak of it not working out for whatever reason. I know DH would like another but doesn’t want to push or upset me.

You are definitely correct. It’s causing so much chaos with my hormones. I constantly feel sick, brain fog, spotty, crampy.

I can’t tell if my feelings are genuine bloodiness or pressure from external factors.

Broodiness! Not bloodiness!

I can understand your anxiety OP, but that's going to take its toll on your body and your chaotic thinking. For now why not take your pill regularly and give yourself a break from deciding. Theres no rush and you don't sound ready yet. Meanwhile please do get some counselling and explore your feelings in a supportive environment. Take all the pressure off yourself and you may find you feel a lot better and can arrive at a decision that's right for you.

Oh OP, this sounds difficult and I'm not sure what you're doing at the moment is the right thing, but I think that you know that.

For now, I'd take the pill properly, as you're maybe not in the right frame of mind to become pregnant anyway, and let everything settle down a bit. Unless you're getting towards an age where it would become difficult to be pregnant, I'd just park the whole thing for a while.

Perhaps you're not ready yet? I was the same as you, two traumatic miscarriages followed by a very anxious third pregnancy that was (thankfully!) successful. I was petrified of trying again. When my first was around 3, the urge to have another tipped to the point that I was willing to actively try. Sadly I had another miscarriage and decided to stop ttc. But after a year of therapy, I gave it one last shot and had my second dc.

I suggest you either give yourself some more time and / or seek some help in the form of therapy / counselling, to manage the anxiety that comes with TTC / pregnancy after miscarriages.

I think it's important to be in as good a headspace as possible, because the anxiety can make it a very long 9 months. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

I have to add something here... I have 3 children currently pregnant with my 4th.

Ages 14,8,19 month old

I had problems with conceiving all 3 of my children (for an unknown reason). I have also miscarried 2.

I breastfed my youngest(1 year old) till he was 18 months. And I feel pregnant whist breast feeding. Like someone said you are defo more fertile whilst breastfeeding as I'm living proof of it. I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant now.

I think if u don't want to take the pill then you are bound to fall pregnant. If you want to yake the pill then u need to start staying it properly because you are messing up your hormone levels big time

Contraceptive injection every 3 months