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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get over it when you have really snapped at someone

26 replies

Ceriane · 13/07/2023 14:07

So, a couple of days ago I had been out and was on my way home with a family member, fairly late at night, had had a really good night but was now starting to feel tired, had had alcohol but wasn't drunk. We were having a conversation, and I completely took something she said out of context and it triggered an issue that I'm sensitive about. I began overthinking (have been going through anxiety recently) and then when the conversation continued I really snapped at her, and I must have sounded quite aggressive/angry....this is REALLY out of character for me, and I don't know what came over me....I am NEVER normally like this..... there were one or two other people on the train and this one man must have overheard, and I will never forget the look he gave me.....When we got off the train, we very quickly made up, and later on were even laughing about it, she knows that this was extremely out of character for me. I have apologised over and over again, to be honest I really shocked myself....she keeps telling me to stop apologising, she forgives me and knows I'm not normally like that, that everyone loses their rag occasionally and I need to stop expecting myself to be perfect. However, I just can't stop thinking about it and feeling bad, I feel like the world's most horrible person, and I feel so guilty I can barely function, can't concentrate at work etc....the guilt/shame I feel is really overwhelming and I just keep seeing that man's face in my head over and over again, and think (even though a complete stranger) he must think I'm a really bad person. I don't know why I did it, or what came over me, but I just feel like I can never feel good about myself again.....how can I move on from this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceriane · 13/07/2023 14:08

BTW I was also hormonal, one first day of heavy period.

OP posts:
MenoRageisReal · 13/07/2023 14:11

that everyone loses their rag occasionally and I need to stop expecting myself to be perfect.

Repeat repeat repeat

The perfectionism side of anxiety can be horribly debilitating and destroy your joy.

You need to acknowledge it, remind yourself it's the anxiety not the reality of the situation.
Then Let it go. Your relative has forgiven you, the man probably forgot two seconds later and it's only you who hasn't moved on.

Life is bigger than these occasional moments of lapse. Focus on your good points and learn to be kind to yourself. You're a good person who had a moment that was unusual, that's all it is.

Original poster
Ceriane · 13/07/2023 14:13

Thank you....I think it is the anxiety that has made me obsess about it....but I just feel like I really let myself down....

OP posts:
ItsNotRocketSalad · 13/07/2023 14:14

When someone snaps at me all I need is to see they're sorry, which you clearly are. We all do it and it isn't a big deal unless it becomes a pattern.

Original poster
Ceriane · 13/07/2023 14:14

Thank you.

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 13/07/2023 14:19

Do you think you are apologising continually to make the other person feel better or to soothe yourself?

It will be fine.

Original poster
Ceriane · 13/07/2023 14:20

At first to make her feel better.....but now because I feel so guilty....so both really.

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 13/07/2023 14:22

I have anxiety too and I think it is time to distract yourself by doing something completely different.

Nanna50 · 13/07/2023 14:22

What bothers you the most the fact you lost your temper or the man’s face?

If it’s the first your friend has forgiven you, forgive yourself.
Maybe deal with the reason why you reacted that way so you can avoid it again.

If it’s the second, let it go, he may have been a nasty person himself or if you really were horrible and his reaction was appropriate use it as a positive to stop you the next time you feel like being nasty.

His opinion of you really doesn’t matter.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 13/07/2023 14:24

Ceriane · 13/07/2023 14:13

Thank you....I think it is the anxiety that has made me obsess about it....but I just feel like I really let myself down....

You'd likely greatly benefit from counselling to address the underlying issue you overreacted to. It's OK to feck up at times. 💐

Mrsjayy · 13/07/2023 14:26

Honestly just let it go its over and done with do you really think you should be "nice" all the time ?

Iwishmynamewassheilah · 13/07/2023 14:29

Ask yourself if there was malicious intent behind what you did? It doesn’t sound as if there was. Framing it from that point of view has helped me at times. We rarely set out to deliberately hurt someone.

Original poster
Ceriane · 13/07/2023 14:29

@Nanna50 The fact I lost my temper....it made me think I'm not as nice a person as I like to think I am...and it was the loss of control....Also the man's face, I know it was a stranger I am never likely to see again, but he must think I'm a bad person. However, my relative is absolutely okay with me now so that is all that should matter.....

@PTSDBarbiegirl You're right. I am having therapy for anxiety at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceriane · 13/07/2023 14:31

@Mrsjayy I try to be.

@Iwishmynamewassheilah no, just anger and overthinking - being sensitive.

OP posts:
BalletBob · 13/07/2023 14:32

I think you'll feel better the more "normal" interactions with your relative you put between the snapping incident and the present. It will eventually feel distant and won't be the first thought you have when you think about her.

Anxiety is a bitch. Sorry you're dealing with it 💐

Original poster
Ceriane · 13/07/2023 14:33

Thank you....you are right....the last time I apologised she said "Ceri....I had completely forgotten about this until you mentioned it again...let it go!"

OP posts:
FOJN · 13/07/2023 17:01

You made a small mistake, your behaviour was so out of character your family member had no problem accepting your apology.

You cannot change what has happened no matter how much you worry about it.

Worrying about what strangers think of you is no good for your mental health or happiness. How could a stranger know whether you are a decent person from witnessing a tiny snapshot of your behaviour? What difference would it make to your life if he actually thought you were the worst person on earth? How do you even know that this man is qualified to judge who is a nice person?

You are over thinking this to the point that the family member you snapped at is now having to reassure you everything is OK. She should not have to do this after she has accepted your apology.

I do mean this with kindness but you seem trapped in a cycle of destructive thinking which is quite self absorbed. Get out of your own head and go and spend time with other people. When you've had a break from obsessing about it you may feel better.

Ordinary, decent people do far, far worse and still manage to live with themselves. Irritably snapping at someone is not he crime of the century.

billy1966 · 13/07/2023 17:35

Don't underestimate the first day of your period hormonal turmoil.

I often used to have the shortest fuse at the stupidest things and want to cry in sheer temper ....and then the penny would drop!

Mrsjayy · 13/07/2023 17:58

billy1966 · 13/07/2023 17:35

Don't underestimate the first day of your period hormonal turmoil.

I often used to have the shortest fuse at the stupidest things and want to cry in sheer temper ....and then the penny would drop!

It's horrendous I remember I couldn't speak to anybody. I'm glad that's all past me.

billy1966 · 13/07/2023 20:01

Mrsjayy · 13/07/2023 17:58

It's horrendous I remember I couldn't speak to anybody. I'm glad that's all past me.

Show quote history

Me too, mostly😳.

Even though I am 3 years finished I am recently starting to track a couple of days each month where I noticed I was (more) irritable than usual!😁to see is there a pattern.

Its no more that 48 hours but I definitely feel cranky for no reason.

Original poster
Ceriane · 13/07/2023 20:57

Thank you all so much. This is what I needed to hear :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceriane · 13/07/2023 20:58

But then I think, what about people that do really bad things in a moment of madness, how can I reassure myself I am not as bad as them?

OP posts:
FlowerFlour · 13/07/2023 21:29

Ceriane · 13/07/2023 20:58

But then I think, what about people that do really bad things in a moment of madness, how can I reassure myself I am not as bad as them?

I think you should stop thinking of life in such stark terms. It seems like you think there are two types of people in the world:

a goodie - amazing, sweet, kind, loved by everyone.
Or
a baddie - psychopathic murderer who punches babies.

Good people get angry sometimes. It's a basic human emotion that everyone on the planet experiences. You're trying to be a paragon of virtue and goodness; that's impossible. Even Jesus angrily chased money lenders out of the temple!

You continuing to ruminate is deeply unhealthy. The more you think something, the stronger those neural pathways get. Your thoughts literally get stuck in a rut.

Accept that you got angry, it happens. You're not a robot. Also who gives a crap about what the man on the train thinks? He could have been coming back from a raucous night of murdering for all you know.

Original poster
Ceriane · 14/07/2023 11:37

Thank you. I think I do have unhealthy expectations of myself in that way. I think it’s because I have been doing so well on getting over my anxiety and had been feeling really positive and good about myself and then I went and did that. I’m actually going away for 2 weeks today so I hope that during that time I will be able to take my mind off it. I keep having thoughts like “you don’t deserve to have a holiday” which I know is me being ridiculous and over the top, but I am going to use the holiday to stop obsessing about it.

OP posts:
VeridicalVagabond · 14/07/2023 11:45

Anxiety and guilt are like vinegar and baking soda, they set eachother off and it never seems to stop.

Focus on the fact that your family member has forgiven you. Trust that she wouldn't do that if she was really, truly upset with you. Trust that she cares about you enough to see past one less than ideal moment.

Focus on the fact that a bad person wouldn't feel as awful as you do now, so you can't be bad, you were just the wrong mixture of tired, anxious, hormonal and ready for bed. Most of us have been there. The important thing is you recognised and apologised for your behaviour straight away. That's good and healthy. Continuing to beat yourself up about it is not.

She's forgiven you, forgive yourself!

And maybe see about getting some help for your anxiety, if you aren't already. It can be such a magnifier of bad feelings.