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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I walk away?

7 replies

Clh90 · 13/07/2023 10:18

Me and my partner have been together for nearly three years. At the beginning of our relationship he started telling lies and being secretive. The first instance was when he stayed at his female friends house who I had met and really got on with, one night about two months into our relationship he was acting strange and I asked him what he was up to to see if he wanted to come over, he said he was spending some time with his son. It then transpired that he had spent the night at this female friends house, which he did regularly before we met. I got upset that he had lied but it was early in our relationship and he apologised and said he wouldn’t lie again so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Fast forward 6 months and we got into an argument. The argument got heated so he told his son to back his things (who was upstairs and unaware of the argument) and told me they were going to stay in a hotel for the night. I then found out that he had taken his son to his exes house as I tracked his sons iPad to see where they had gone and when I confronted him he denied it and turned off his phone for the rest of the night. In the morning he admitted he was at his exes and they only ended up there as on the drive to the hotel his son FaceTimed her son and they agreed to go there instead. He says that his ex went out with her friend and left my partner at her house with her son and his son and that she didn’t come back until 7am. Something which I’m struggling to believe. I gave him a chance and we ended up falling pregnant a few months later. Then a next incident occurred where he said he had to stay away for the night as he had a job to do which was far away. The next day when he came home he wasn’t himself and struggled to be intimate with me that night. My gut feeling went into overdrive and I ended up checking his work iPad and it came to light that the job that he had done was one he would do regularly, about an hour and half’s drive and didn’t even stay in a hotel down there, it showed that the hotel he stayed in was half an hour from our home and nearly 2 hours drive from where his job was. After a year of on and off confronting him and trying to get to the bottom of it he has now admitted that he stayed away due to feeling overwhelmed about the pregnancy (it was planned) but he swears that it was still for work. Again struggling to believe this now. He won’t come clean about anything and I’ve given him an ultimatum that it’s either the truth or he has to leave. Am I being unreasonable, am I right to think he is being dishonest about things? Please no judgement as in a really bad place. Sorry for the long winded post!

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 13/07/2023 10:22

Boot him out. How pregnant are you?

Clh90 · 13/07/2023 10:27

The baby is now 3 months old

OP posts:
begaydocrime42 · 13/07/2023 11:54

Yes absolutely you're worth so much more honey! FYI if there's dodgy behaviour from the get go it's not a good sign, don't waste your life on men like this!

chocobaby · 13/07/2023 12:02

Don’t walk, run!! I have a 1 strike and you’re out policy.
too much heartache. When he lied at the beginning of your relationship was the time you should have walked away.
it will only get worse down the road.

Frogmila · 13/07/2023 12:04

Don't waste your time on this nonsense.

His relationship with the truth is such that you'll never feel able to trust him.

Save your energy and dignity and move on rather than tracking him online and constantly finding out he is at some other woman's house. Can you really be arsed with 30 years of this?

Just accept he isn't what you deserve and try to salvage a decent co-parenting arrangement.

Thing is, he is messing about, lying to you and doing whatever he's doing with other women (even if the truth is quite innocent with some of them then his habit is to lie and conceal) because he wants to, it's his habit and that is not overridden by wanting to be honest and honourable towards you. If it wasn't for the baby, do you think you'd still be together?

Clh90 · 13/07/2023 12:14

@Frogmila no I honestly don’t. But I’ve already had one failed marriage and we co parent my eldest son. I’m scared what my family would think should I have another failed relationship with kids involved :(

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 13/07/2023 12:16

Staying because you're worried what your family would think, would be a terrible reason to stay.

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