How do I start the conversation about separation?

[MilkShakerTaker]

I need advice with how to discuss with my H that our marriage is at an end. I've felt it for a while and I'm sure he has too, it's like neither of us wants to say it.
A big anniversary is coming up and I don't want to get to it, don't want people wishing us happy anniversary.
I've felt unhappy for a few years and limped on for the kids. They are late teens now. The last few months it's gone downhill more, we hardly speak when in the house, we work, come home have tea with kids then go to different rooms of the house for the rest of the evening, we still share a bed but don't have sex (the last few times he went soft while we were at it)
He's not interested in anything I say really and not at all interested in planning holidays so much so I'm going on my own which I'm fine with but to me just shows we are in trouble. I don't want to spend rest of my days with someone that doesn't want to spend time with me.
I've always been quite vocal about my feelings while he hasn't but I've stopped making the effort to explain how I'm feeling about anything. We don't argue as such, though he is more firey than he ever has been when we do, but there is a lot more bickering.
We still socialise within a group and another couple in the group has noticed how much more we seem detached from each other and quite often, I will make plans on my own but that's always been normal for us.
I have no animosity towards him and I don't want it to get to that point. I want us remain amicable. I have no idea what we will do with the house etc and I don't necessarily want to divorce straightaway though I don't know if I am being naive in that.
People will say just talk to him and see how he feels buts it's how to start the conversation that's I'm struggling with. It's a massive thing, I know.
Sorry it's long, just want advice from those of you that have been in this situation and how did broach the subject?

Genuinely, you just have to sit down and say the words. There is no easy way to say it or start that conversation.

I told my husband last year that I wasn't happy, I wrote down what I wanted to say and read it to him as it was important for me to get things out in the exact way I needed to.
I won't lie, it was horrible, my voice was shaking, and I am not sure he expected it (although I think we have been on the brink for a while)
That led to marriage counselling and eventually this year I told him that I felt the situation was permanent.
Again, that was awful to have to say aloud.

We are now around 6 months on and I have had to regularly instigate talks in the matter. Each time it feels like I am having to tell him for the first time and it is gut wrenching. There is no nice way to do this, you just have to somehow find that courage.
I think until the other person accepts what you say and starts to come to terms with it you will be in a cycle. Hopefully as you are already both distant and there are signs that he feels the same it might be that the only conversation you have to have is that first one and then both of you can start to move on.

Yes I was in this exact situation with my first husband. I also wanted to end it as I could feel some animosity starting to build and whilst we were still friendly there was zero love. It was the summer holidays and the dc were going to stay with their Gran for a week so I said to him that whilst the dc are away we need to sit down and have a chat about our relationship to which he agreed. Dc went and we talked very honestly without arguing and decided that we were both on the same page. I already had a plan that he would move out and rent a flat and we would sell the house. Kids came home and I told them and he moved out. It has been 7 years now and whilst we were amicable for the first year it went pear shaped after when he met somebody else. Never once regretted it not for a nanosecond and the kids (11 & 12 at the time) have been great although their relationship with their Dad has suffered but thats on him not me.

I did it in the car so he couldn't get away! As he would basically refuse to talk to me most of the time. He had been living elsewhere for a while by that point but the words needed to be said and it was actually far easier than I thought it would be.

Can you suggest a time when the kids are out of the house. Or arrange them to be, and suggest that? It sounds like it won't be a massive surprise that things aren't right but it needs someone to broach it out loud.

I think you just have to take a deep breath and dive in. Imagine how liberated you could feel.

Ask him how he feels the relationship is going? Then tell him how you're feeling. See if you can get some counselling to help you both get through the hurdles of how you are going to separate, move on and what you both need from each other in the future to help you children.
It sounds like he has admitted defeat too already.
It's not an easy conversation to have but much better once it's out in the open and you can discuss your options going forward.

I had a horrible couple of weeks knowing I had to say jt but not knowing how or when to broach it and it weighed heavier and heavier on me.
in the end there just seemed to be a quiet moment when he was sat in the living room so I just went in and closed the door and said I needed to talk to him about something. Then I said I thought we might be happier living separately.
a previous time when I’d first brought it up and asked if we could go to counselling I broached it by saying I wasn’t very happy and asking if he was.

it didn’t go well tbh, despite being hugely detached, hardly saying 2 words to me (but still expecting sex) and seeming to take every opportunity to take himself off from me and the kids. He was blindsided. But I was resolute because I knew it was too far gone for me. It’s not been easy but it was the right decision.
we did go to counselling together then (at his request as he thought it would change my mind) and that did help him a little bit to accept things and helped me to move things forward practically.

You just have to be really strong and don’t waver.

He might just be waiting for you to do it so he doesn’t come across as the bad guy.

If you want to separate, why not go for a divorce?

can you afford to move out ?

Thats exactly it, he doesn't want to be the bad guy. So when it comes to telling family, friends, it's me that's made the decision.

Imagining how liberated I would feel is getting me through!

Thank you

No I can't afford to move out.

Can you confide in some understanding friends or family in real life about what you’ve decided to do? I found that gave me a lot of strength and courage.

I told him I was unhappy and I wanted us to go for relationship counselling or else I was done. He got angry and refused, then said fuck off and get your divorce.

He kind of made it easy in the end.

I've been where you are, very similar - and I'm out the other side, happily amicably divorced.

In my case it was him who called it a day and i readily agreed, it was at least 5 years in the making at that point. We sat down, worked out finances (thankfully not low income) and still talk today as needed, kids are adults but share custody of the dog!

My advice is to talk, such a cliche I know but he's probably thinking the same thing