Had enough of relationship AIBU?

[Forums4321]

Long story short I do not like my relationship at all.

I have been with dp for 8 years, 2 dc together and live together. I became a sahm after having my children as I didn’t have any childcare/dp worked constantly so I didn’t have a choice.

my main issue in the relationship is I don’t feel loved - a lot of the time I don’t even feel liked. Relationships require hard work and commitment but I don’t believe being in a relationship should be so difficult and draining. I feel there is almost no happiness between us and the only time there is is when we are doing something for the children eg family day out for the kids.

I feel like I am going insane sometimes between just being a sahm, constant housework/tidying/cleaning and constantly doing mum jobs. No matter what I do dp always has something to pick on with me. Even if I have done nothing wrong he can find the most silliest thing and cause an issue eg something not cleaned the way he expects or out of the 100 things I’ve done in the day he will pick on the 1 thing I missed and make me feel like rubbish.

I don’t feel wanted in my relationship. Although he tells me he loves me and wants to marry me in the future, he doesn’t show me any love, he doesn’t show me any attention or care. He NEVER sends a text checking up on me during the day (the only time he texts me is to tell me to do something for him), when he comes home every day he NEVER says hello to me (just goes straight into complaining about something regarding the home. I honestly don’t remember the last time he called me pretty or even beautiful. Even when I make an effort he will find something to critique. He just NEVER makes me feel special and I’m fact makes me feel so unwanted.

I don’t care about any other guy in the world, but I do crave attention and love so much. I feel like I’m being deprived of something that should be so natural between 2 people in a relationship. It should be normal to smile around eachother, be happy in each other’s presence and show eachother love and care. The more he makes me feel unwanted the more I am craving to be loved.

what upsets me alot is that he has many clients from work that he makes feel so comfortable, he uplifts them so much and makes them feel confident (part of his job role) but he also is like a friend to them. That doesn’t bother me, what bothers me is that I can’t get that same treatment. He doesn’t smile or laugh or joke around me the way he does with these clients. He doesnt make me feel confident or try to build me up. I feel like I’ve turned into a boring housewife that just cooks and cleans and takes care of the kids and I can’t have any fun or happiness.

the work situation doesn’t help as I have no friends and I’m just stuck at home so my mind is not occupied. I have no one to talk to. If I had a job I know I’d feel more productive mentally and wouldn’t be as bothered about certain things. I rely on him alot as he’s all I really have. I don’t have any friends, yet he can’t even listen to me when I want to talk to someone etc.

this evening I was feeling quite down after doing some job searching and realising I have no career and no idea where to start. He came home and started to complain about things around the home, he then got annoyed at something so silly and we have gone to bed and not talking to eachother. Tomorrow he has the morning off and had initially told me he’d spend time with me however this evening he’s told me to go out/do something tomorrow as he doesn’t want to spend time with me now…

I have not done anything to warrant this. The fact he rarely spends 1 on 1 time with me giving me attention in the first place is hard enough, but now having the chance of a few hours together and he’s taken that away from me and said he doesn’t want to spend it with me. So now I am upset as I had my hopes up and I’m now back to being lonely again.

i am so tired and drained from this relationship and all I want is to feel loved and wanted. I’m not sure where to start, what to do next etc

Sorry this is happening to you but he sounds like a classic abuser. DV isn't always physical. Mental abuse can be worse as it crushes your soul slowly everyday. I know you have children together but he quite obviously isn't invested in you. Sorry if that sounds harsh. Can you get away from him if you wanted to?

Yes I second that he sounds abusive. He doesn't sound like a nice man at all. In fact he sounds exactly like my ex. I could have done 100 things but he'd come in and ask about the one thing I didn't manage to get round to. No time for me but wanted everyone else to think he was a lovely man who would help anyone. My advice would be to find a job and leave him. You are wasting your life on him and if you're not even married supporting his career at the expense of yourself with nothing to show for it if he leaves.

people are very quick to cite abuse which I think is a bit ridiculous.
can you get childcare now? You don’t seem to like being a sahm? You guys might be stuck in a rut.

If you think it’s “ridiculous,” Bluesheeps, you clearly haven’t been through it. It IS abuse, and it can completely crush the life out of someone - it really doesn’t matter how you pile up on his side to add your belittling.

Jesus - some people have absolutely no kindness.

@Newnamehiwhodis sorry I didn’t mean to offend with clumsy language. I just find it odd how often the word abuse is thrown around here. Sometimes relationships just fade and people drift/change.
we only have one side of the story of someone feeling alone. Yes she mentioned he complains about the house not being up to scratch but the rest of it screams loneliness. I’m sorry if I’m wrong

Where do you live that there is no childcare? It sounds as if above anything you need a job. Once you have a job you have choices and the opportunity for independence. It is liberating to work and feel financially free. Good luck with job hunting

How old are you OP, I’m guessing you are still only on your late 20s or early 30s?

young enough to go back to part time education or retraining or even an apprenticeship?

even if all your wage goes on childcare at first it will widen your social circle and give you choices in the future.

Can you see a counsellor? I'm wondering if your DP came home to find you in tears he would realise how bad things are for you. When I was in your shoes I soldiered on and bottled up my feelings. Now I try to wear my heart on my sleeve more. It may also help you to write down particular incidents of his behaviour, you will find it helpful down the track. Otherwise it's hard to remember specifics. Perhaps if you both went to counselling you would be able to work things out, or separate if that's best. Good luck.

@Bluesheeps You need to read the OPs other post about this horrible creature. @Forums4321 you have to escape this bully he's a sexual predator and an abuser.

OP I worry that you are so desperate for this guy to love you and show you the love and affection you crave that you are willing to go to almost any lengths for him. That makes you very, very vulnerable especially as it sounds like he is emotionally and sexually abusive.

This is not a good bloke, your two threads make that very clear. Please leave and go and stay with family or phone Women's Aid and tell them what you are going through and get some help. You deserve so much better than this.