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Original poster

Feel like I’m going under - life with a man child

60 replies

Kj92 · 12/07/2023 19:41

Hi everyone

I’m looking to gain some perspective here and maybe get some advice of people who don’t know me. It’s a long one so bare with me.

I’ve been with my partner for 3 years just gone, I have 2 children to my previous and we have also had another together, so 3 altogether.

I have known him a very long time as we used to work together but then he left. Anyway we came across each other one day and went on a date.

He told me he still lived at home, he was 35 at the time. He told me he stayed living there as he wanted to spend as much time as possible with his parents as they won’t be here forever l, I accepted this and didn’t think anything of it.

fast forward 3 years he’s been living in my house for 1 year and it’s very clear to me why he still lives at home. He doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, doesn’t do his own washing, even the time he’s been at my house he’s been sending his dirty washing home (and not doing his own daughters). He doesn’t drive and he gets a lift to and from work every day. His dad will often deliver his dinner to the door when he decides he wants something that isn’t in. I work 3 days a week as I can’t afford the childcare for the rest of the week, and I am constantly told that I work part time it’s my job to do these things.

If things get tough at home with me where I ask for him to pull his weight he will leave and tell me he’s going back to them and when he gets there he gets waited on hand and foot. He tells them everything that goes on in our relationship but continuously tells me I am the problem. when he is back at his parents house they do his and our daughters washing cooking cleaning etc he never has to lift a finger.

He sees me as being argumentative and nagging for wanting him to stand on his own 2 feet I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Am I going mad? Am I the problem here? Is this acceptable?

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/07/2023 21:05

This is so nosey I know but I'm so curious, what is you sex life like? Are you turned on/attracted to this man who behaved like a useless baby? Or perhaps he is so great in bed that's the attraction?

Screamingabdabz · 12/07/2023 21:07

What message is this sending to your dd about male and female relationships? Good God… the shit women get themselves in and put themselves through. Then model that to their kids…

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/07/2023 21:07

If things get tough at home with me where I ask for him to pull his weight he will leave and tell me he’s going back to them and when he gets there he gets waited on hand and foot

Well, there's your answer. Tell him to shove off to his parents permanently; because he's not ever going to pull his weight, is he? bite the bullet and get rid.

SwordToFlamethrower · 12/07/2023 21:11

I think he should win some sort of award for being the biggest manchild ever described on mumsnet.

I have never read anything like this!

Get rid of the man baby! Immediately!

You will be happier and better off without him.

He doesn't deserve you AT ALL.

Hollyppp · 12/07/2023 21:13

Newestname002 · 12/07/2023 20:47

@Kj92

I did kick him out over a week ago but was feeling that I’d do the wrong thing and maybe over reacted but thank you guys there’s not a single person who hasn’t said the same thing.

Thank goodness he's no longer living with you. What a poor example of a human being he is, and a bad example to your children.

Hope you have:

  • Taken his keys back (better still change the barrels on your locks). He sounds like the type of person who'd let himself into your house if it suited him.
  • claimed child benefit and got that paid into your own bank account
  • claimed child maintenance through CMS so he pays towards the costs of his child. I wouldn't rely on an informal arrangement from someone unreliable like this
  • claimed your 25% single occupier council tax discount (you can do this online on your council's website)
  • removed his access (changed passwords) to bank accounts, Netflix, Amazon, Sky, etc
  • removed him as a beneficiary on your pension, death in service, etc.

Life will be easier without him constantly under your feet. 🌹

Fantastic advice

Original poster
Kj92 · 12/07/2023 21:15

@Unexpectedlysinglemum it’s been amazing tbh I can’t fault it - I think that’s defo helped me stick around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kj92 · 12/07/2023 21:16

@Screamingabdabz absolutely why I’ve kicked him out.

I grew up in a house where my parents very toxic and that’s made me and my brother things toxic is okay.

I don’t want that for my girls

OP posts:
Artycrafts · 12/07/2023 21:36

What an absolute turn off.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/07/2023 21:57

Kj92 · 12/07/2023 21:15

@Unexpectedlysinglemum it’s been amazing tbh I can’t fault it - I think that’s defo helped me stick around.

I'm glad you're getting something good out of him! :-)

If you're not sure whether to keep him or not, I would draw a boundary at living with him. He can come over to visit for romantic time, but you don't need another person to clear up after and organize. His mum seems very happy to keep doing that. See if you feel happier in that set up, and if he wants to move back in he needs to show he can stick to your reasonable adult rules.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/07/2023 22:01

Hang on I have that advice before re reading and realising one of the children is his- that in my view is a big difference. He has started a family with you and should be role modelling being a grown up responsible adult parent, not a baby who gets waited on.

I don't think you should be thinking 'it's him or how else will I meet someone' I think 'it's him or the peace of being single'

Mama678 · 13/07/2023 07:20

Jesus, send him back and be very clear to him & inlaws the reasons why you’re splitting up. You know when its his turn to have the child, inlaws will be responsible not him 🤦🏻‍♀️

SpringleDingle · 13/07/2023 07:30

Absolutely this is all you. You are letting this dude walk all over you by being a doormat. You have the choice to end this…. Do that!!

CapEBarra · 13/07/2023 07:37

Bin him off. He’s not worth your time.

TheHandbag · 13/07/2023 07:40

Why did you have a child with this lazy shit? Where are your standards?

RachelTopliss · 13/07/2023 07:40

Kj92 · 12/07/2023 21:16

@Screamingabdabz absolutely why I’ve kicked him out.

I grew up in a house where my parents very toxic and that’s made me and my brother things toxic is okay.

I don’t want that for my girls

See I grew up in that sort of environment and I always knew that environment was wrong. I didn't seek to replicate it in my relationships. I wanted someone as far away from my father as possible. I picked twats, sure, but that was subconscious rather than thinking oh this is familiar I feel comfortable with being ignored or bullied. I did think the problem was me though.

RaceToTheMiddle · 13/07/2023 07:47

Hopefully you ex i laws are good grandparents! As I expect they will be looking after the child when he’s supposed to be!

Bananalanacake · 13/07/2023 07:51

When he was living with you did he pay towards bills and food.

sugarplumfairy36 · 13/07/2023 08:21

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

Itssnotunusual · 13/07/2023 08:32

As someone who has just rid herself of her own man child- the fear of a failed relationship is vastly outweighed by the freedom I have found after ending things. It sounds like this man only drags you down and what does he really bring to the relationship?

Ship him back to his parents, purge you're life of his stuff. Depending on your earnings you may get a lot more help as a single parent. I'm now unashamedly claiming universal credit and my childcare costs are down 85%. This could maybe give you scope to find a full time job if you wanted to.

You are better off on your own. Trust me.

loislovesstewie · 13/07/2023 08:53

Tell him to go back to mummy who will care for him until she can no longer do it. Then he will struggle and you won't have to put up with his inability to care for himself.

MumblesParty · 13/07/2023 09:00

Be very careful OP.
If this man is late 30s, I’m guessing his parents are in their 60s. They’ll be fit and active now, but in the next 10-20 years they’ll start to need help themselves, rather than being the ones who do all the helping. If you and your partner are still together, that role will fall to you, because he sure as hell won’t be doing their shopping/cooking/cleaning/lifts to appointments etc. You need to get rid of him before then.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/07/2023 09:05

MumblesParty · 13/07/2023 09:00

Be very careful OP.
If this man is late 30s, I’m guessing his parents are in their 60s. They’ll be fit and active now, but in the next 10-20 years they’ll start to need help themselves, rather than being the ones who do all the helping. If you and your partner are still together, that role will fall to you, because he sure as hell won’t be doing their shopping/cooking/cleaning/lifts to appointments etc. You need to get rid of him before then.

Very good point

Gremlins101 · 13/07/2023 09:16

You poor woman. I complain about my husband who is genuinely doing his level best and living respectably. You really have a struggle on your hands. I understand that it wouldn't be easy to be a single mum of 3 kids... but it may be less frustrating? My sisters partner was the same and she was much happier once they broke up. 💔

Beadyeyes91 · 13/07/2023 09:24

The only way you can change this situation is for him not to be part of your life anymore.

FartSock5000 · 13/07/2023 10:29

@Kj92 this isn't your fault. You aren't a nag or unreasonable to expect an adult to behave like an adult. His parents have spoiled and enabled him so he expects you to do the same but you know this is bonkers and he won't change until his folks are dead and he is forced to grow up.

Don't wait around for this to happen and don't believe him if he tells you he will change or has changed.

Dump him and move on with the only good result of the relationship - your baby.

Don't entertain his nonsense a minute longer. Show your kids strength and independence because they are learning what a relationship should look like from your examples.

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