First post on Mumsnet - please be honest and polite, not sure I could hope with harsh criticisms at the moment. Sorry it's a long one.
Not really sure where to start, but I think my relationship is over. My partner and I have been together for 11 years, with DS 4 and DD just turned one. Four years into our relationship DP was diagnosed with MS (relapsing /remitting) and uses weed for his symptoms (although I think there is an element of addiction there). For various reasons (none really my DP's fault) he was a student for 7 years of our relationship. So I have been financially carrying us throughout this period. DP graduated and got an entry level job and because of his MS said he only wanted to work 3 days/week. So I have continued to carry us. He contributes £600 per month and I cover everything else (just over three times this). He can always afford to buy weed and vape juice even when we are really struggling.
He is not named on any bills/mortgage/finance and we share no joint accounts. Reluctantly he takes the kids on one of his days off and I am using up holiday accrued during mat leave to have them the remaining day of the week. This is the worst day of my week...he can't handle the two together and I can hear him shouting at our 4 year old throughout the day. His parents come in the afternoon to help him out. Round the house I do the lion share, however he does make meals and hangs out the washing if I ask. But does very little else. I do all the organisation with the kids and plan all the days out/experiences for the kids. A lot of the time I am with the kids by myself. I get that he has fatigue struggles and I do understand that, but it is just hard when I am working full time to come home to a riot (when he has been in all day).
At the start of the year he went off on sick from work for mental health reasons and told me that I have made him suicidal because I am "hounding" him back to work. Not the case - I just asked if there was a plan because we couldn't afford for him to be on sick pay for very long and he also hadn't made any attempt to help himself- start counselling and was refusing antidepressants. He has worked two days this year so far. Anytime the kids are off sick from nursery, I still need to take them or be close as he says that this is stopping him looking for work (he has applied for a total of 3 jobs since leaving in May). He raised a grievance with his employer and got a settlement to walk away...which took the pressure off us financially for a short period.
We cannot talk without him having a go, shouting at me or patronising me (even infront of the kids 😓, friends and family - which is embarrassing). He looks at a situation and sees it one way and I see it the complete opposite and there appears to be no meeting in the middle. His default is to blame and there is no acceptance that he needs to change anything. I am the bad person in all this...caused the rift /splitting the family apart and my DS lack discipline because of my parenting. I would happily live my life without arguments...it's really not in my nature, but I honestly feel tense all the time when he is around.
To try and prevent a split, I undertook counseling through my work and it didn't really help. I am devastated for my beautiful kids, but I am beginning to think two separate happy parents are better than two miserable together parents. I did say that I didn't want to be with him a few weeks ago, but he refused to accept it..and basically got nasty. In the meantime my mum's health hasn't been great, so I lost the strength to continue the momentum to split.
He will obviously have his side where I have wronged him, but from what I have described...is this at all salvageable for my kids sake?