Help or step away from friend

[Lostmyfriend]

I've lost my best friend and I'm pretty devastated. She met a new guy about 3 years ago and he's turned her around, she's a totally different person. I don't know enough to say he's controlling but if I had to put a bet on it I would say she is being controlled to an extent. There's loads of examples.

The worst part is he regularly treats her badly. I know he's done it again but she's not talking to me about it. I made the mistake recently of asking her if she was being controlled by him and she hit the roof. Since then she's gone really distant with me, only making contact occasionally.

She has always been a bit manipulative and is the 'Alpha' friend if that makes sense. But I've always gone along with it as she was very important to me. She's made contact to say she's in a mess and doesn't know how to get out of it, but won't answer the phone or tell me what the problem is. She most recently told me she'll make contact when she has the headspace. I'm 100% certain the problem is with the boyfriend.

TBH I have my own mental health struggles and her current mind games are testing me.

Ok, so the reason she hit the roof is because she knows shes being controlled, doesn't want to admit it and is pissed of you noticed and called it out.

She has told you she is a mess but wont answer calls or messages. She wants you to worry, thats proper selfish.

I would just leave her to it. You have reached out but she wont respond. Theres nothing more you can do.

Concentrate on your own mental health. When she does reach out then you make sure you are the right headspace to listen!!

If she has had a bad spell with the BF she will probably need to vent. When he's allowing her an easy time, everything will be fine and she won't want to talk about it because she will be hoping that was the last time and it'll all be fine now.

But -

She is a different person in a bad way? Saying she has form for being manipulative and calling her behaviour 'mind games' makes me think it would be wise to treat this one with caution and maybe just watch and wait. Or cut her off if you think she really is mucking you about. What is your gut telling you?

I think the most important thing is to protect your own mental health, for yourself, and if in the future she needs help and you want to offer it you will be in a better place

I’d be leaving her have all of the headspace if I were you tbh. If someone wants to treat a friend like this, shut them down and not respond to them, then let them at it. They lost a caring person in their lives - their loss! Looks like you don’t need a friend like this, who likes to leave you guessing. How mean is that.

There isn’t much you can do to help her. A lot of times people will stay with their abusive partner and protect them- they just become used to it. Sometimes people like the drama of it. Maybe she doesn’t want to disclose the ins and outs, maybe she’s embarrassed that he is controlling her and you’ve twigged it, maybe she’s not being controlled and the fact that you thought she would allow it to happen is annoying her. There’s really no way to know the full truth unless she comes out with it. Anyway, whatever about her, a grown woman who can mind herself, what I will say is take care of your own mental health and surround yourself with those who want you around and make you feel welcome and valued.

Na, fuck her! She has been a shit friend and you deserve better. She sounds like a bully who met her match. Concentrate on your own well-being and do not let her deplete and make you ill.