Divorced and heartbroken

[Mollylegs]

Hi, I suppose I have just came on to post to vent a little. My husband left me last year(I have been on here before) I spoke to my solicitor yesterday and she is sending him a letter today saying I would like a divorce, I really don't want to get divorced, I still love my husband even though he has left for someone else. We were together just over 21 years and married for 16 and we have a 19 year old son. I don't understand why I'm still heartbroken about him leaving. I should hate him. He has left his son and myself for a mother of 4, all of whom have different dads. Apparently she enjoys splitting families up. My ex hardly bothers with our son which is just devastating as they were close. I know loads of men are absent fathers but I just can't get my head around him treating my son this way. i have decided to put in for a divorce as one small bit of control i have, even though I don't want to be divorced which I suppose sounds stupid in itself as I know he's not coming back. Any words of wisdom from any kind people out there x

I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I think maybe just accepting that you are heartbroken may help. A year is not that long to get over a marriage. It's normal and natural to feel devastated and this part of the process really moves at its own pace. You will recover and you'll remember this time and think why was I so hard on myself.

This is a separate issue to getting divorced. If you don't want to - then don't.

Also you don't need a solicitor to write and tell him you want a divorce. It's not up to him to agree to it. You just do it online which is cheaper. The only caveat being that if you have complicated financial wrangling to do then a solicitor is probably the way to go. Even then you can still get divorced without agreeing finances - have them pending.

@YouCanCallMeMargaret Thank you for replying. I don't want to get divorced but I feel at least it's something I have been in control of. He won't think for a moment that I would want a divorce as he knows he has devastated me, it may seem petty but I hope it gives him an unpleasant shock to think I'd instigated it. Thanks again x

Oh my dear. Being as gentle as possible, why do you want to stay married to a man that has treated you like this and abandoned you and your son.Divorce is the best option here and allows you to take back control and start the process of moving on. You can file online but you might need a solicitor if there are financial complications with asset / property division.

@TeaMistress I know and I agree that I shouldn't want a person who has treat us so badly. It makes no sense, I should be annoyed but instead I'm so sad. I know taking control in this way will hopefully make me feel better at some point x

It makes complete sense. This man carried your heart in his hands. You entrusted him to cherish it and you put everything in to make the relationship a success. It is hard to come to terms with a reality that he was careless with that trust. You are still really in the denial stage of grief. How could you be anything other after such a long time together? He knew he was a shit but you didn't have that luxury. Be kind to yourself and lower your expectations. You will move on when it's right to do so.
That doesn't mean dwelling on things but rather a gentle acceptance of yourself and where you are in the process. You will emerge out of this and who knows what possibilities await. Adventures and romances and for the first time, possibly, thinking about what you want to do with your precious life.

Easy words I know but you will get there and be all the stronger for it!

@YouCanCallMeMargaret Hi, maybe your right in that it may pass by quite slowly. I suppose I must be better than I was when he first left, I don't cry everyday like I used to. I have cried today when I replied to the solicitor that I am going ahead with the divorce. The whole situation is just awful, my poor boy who had a dad who he adored has been left with only seeing his dad once a month if he's lucky. What kind of arse hole has the right to do that to my amazing son. He doesn't ring or text him just to say hello, how are you? that must hurt and I can't take his pain away. x

Honestly my dear you and your son are so much better off without him. He's shown himself to be thoroughly despicable and not someone you want to grow old with. It's appalling to hear that he's abandoned any contact with your son. Strength and courage to you both.

I hope you go through with divorcing him. Not because you want to do it as a way to control, but to do it because you KNOW and truly believe that you are worth so much more than the way he has treated you and your son.
Do it for the respect you have for yourself, and in doing it you are teaching your son a life lesson. Your son is technically an adult. He will pull through. Thankfully his dad was with him through his formative years. But now he has buggered off with another woman, let him go. You and your son are better off without him. Look at the bright side — your son now knows the sort of person he is.

Hi @TeaMistress thanks for being so kind, my son used to come downstairs as soon as the front door opened when his dad came in from work. My boy would sit next to him on the sofa and give him a hug and tell him he loved him, every day until he left. My son was 18 years old at the time and he's a very loving kid. How on earth could his dad just up and leave and not really bother to see him. I can't get my head around it. About a month after he left my ex came to my mother in laws for tea and he was going to go every week. That just didn't happen. How can he not want to see him? He knows how loving his son is and now he's moved in with someone elses children it's like our son doesn't exist. I can't imagine how crap my boy feels. I suppose its fair enough that he decided to cheat on me but to just not bother with his son is a different matter all together. Sorry for going on a bit, I just find it so crappy x

Some men are arseholes and your ex husband is one of them.

He is a shit for not keeping in contact with your son. Do you have any contact at all with him?

Time is a great healer and your just not there yet .You are grieving for the man and marriage you thought you had .My husband had a long term affair and I found out back at Xmas that he had more than one woman so we are divorcing now . It took me a very long time to come to terms with it , I literally got a breakdown but I'm ok now as I don't want to be with someone who thought it was ok to cheat on their spouse .. You'll get there ..Try make a new life for yourself, get a job if you don't have one . Meet up with your friends. Start doing a hobby that you like and remember you were too good for your cheating husband..Someday you'll wonder what you ever saw in him...All the best xx

You’re not in the anger stage of grief yet. It will come.

hi @DismantledKing how many stages are there? Your right i'm not angry yet, just sad and still kind of in shock about it. I wish I could fast forward a year or two xx

Hi @Hopelessromatic thank you for being kind and for the advice. It will surely get better with time x

Hi @chocobaby the situation with his dad is just shit but my son always makes excuses for him. Things like my car has broken down or he's had to go to work. I'm not sure why he still seems to protect him. He's a good kid and has been there for me if I have been in tears about it. I try hard not to get upset in front of him but sometimes I can't help it. xx

Hi @Suchab My ex doesn't speak to me, you would think that I was the person who had been knocking off someone else. He very rarely texts me for anything at all. Hopefully he will reply to my solicitors letter xx