Dh resents my lack of ambitions… DS is 3 yo

[Blipblopblap]

Dh and I have a 3 year old son who is due to start morning school nursery soon. I currently work 2.5 days a week and Dh is full time self employed. He earns a lot and we’re comfortable at the moment but we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house… it’s a new build and the neighbours are a nightmare, the parkings atrocious, the house itself is pretty naff… it makes him super angry every single day.
I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.
Recently arguments have been brewing. He’s clearly resenting me that we rely so heavily on his earnings. He says for us to move to a bigger and better house I need to be working and earning more to help cover the bills should he be out of work (his work is contract based).
The only thing is then we would need a lot more childcare. And i love the routine I have at the moment and the thought of seeing my son a lot less literally makes me cry. I’m sure other mothers will understand this but he really doesn’t get it.
It’s all come to a head and he has threatened to sell up and get a divorce due to my “lack of ambition.” I don’t want this. He gets frustrated because Im not a career person but he has known this since he met me 14 years ago. But he is so unhappy in this house it’s making him ill, he’s desperate to move which is why there is so much pressure on me. I’ve told him I’ll do whatever it takes so I’m going to start looking at better jobs/courses etc. I just wanted to see what you all thought. As a mother to a young child it just feels wrong. But clearly it’s what my relationship needs.

You know, you are living in a house that presumably you and DH chose together. You seem to be saying it's the house maki g him depressed, but I wonder if there is something else going on... the problems you mention are pretty trivial tbh. Lots of people live in much less pleasant conditions and manage to be happy.
Is he the type who gets angry when he doesn't get his own way?

It seems unreasonable that he wants you to go to work more leaving your child with someone else when you don't actually need the money. They are little for such a short space of time and I think some men don't fully understand the pain that some women feel on being separated from their child before they are ready.

Maybe he feels a big pressure being the main earner. As a compromise, maybe you could work a few evenings a week when DS is in bed and DH able to look after him? Or at the weekend?

It's a long time ago now, but I found it painful being away from DC for full days, so I worked 5 short days (9-2). Would that be a possibility? Maybe you could use the next few years to upskill so that when you do work, it will be better paid.

Meanwhile, I'd rearrange how you pay for things. Don't make childcare costs your sole responsibility, and make sure your name is on at least one of the bills or goes towards the mortgage/ rent.

I think if your husband is threatening divorce then he can’t really love you or be committed to the family unit. I’d be feeling very shocked in your position and be reconsidering the marriage.

Not that I think his requests are necessarily unreasonable, only his ultimatum is.

Don’t know what rock you’re living under but when you run a company that’s kind of what you have to put in to make it and keep successful.

I guess as OP hasn't come back, all our posts-including mine!- are conjecture.

it makes him super angry every single day.

This is an extraordinarily worrying statement. Super angry every single day!? That's not normal. How does this anger manifest?

I have an ordinary type of job and the money is poor. I don’t pay anything towards bills but I pay for childcare and bits and bobs like clothes and toys and the like.

Childcare is horrendously expensive. You might not be contributing much less than him financially, depending on how much the bills are. Do you have any joint finances? Do you both have similar amounts of money to do with as you please? If, as I suspect, he ends up with loads more than you then that is not right or fair (it's financial abuse).

Same here. I’d be annoyed.

It really really isn't. That is two full time jobs, I would expect him to be bringing in well into the 3 figures with those hours but I'm going to go out on a limb and say he isn't.
If he is running an estate agents why is he choosing to commute for 2 hours a day?
Working 12 hours, then commuting for 2 and working more in the evening is so far out of the normal range for an EA.

@Mumtothreegirlies Sounds like he's sacrificing an awful lot of life to run a business, this is why I've never wanted to do something like that or marry someone who does. At what point does it not become worth the stress and time away from family, even if you are bringing in 7-figures? Especially with the economic issues heading towards us.

@SunRainStorm I think if you are being a bit hard nosed about it( -
And I worked full time with young children) you have to factor in costs - and if you have no family help then childcare costs may eat up most of the extra income so you can't actually contribute more. It's different if it's long term 'career' that you need to stay in- if it's job and you don't desparately need that extra £500 a month or so that you might come out with- it can seem somewhat pointless as'jobs' are easier to pick up when you need them , rather than careers. Which does make me wonder if the job and house aspect on her Hs part is a distraction and he's either not doing as well as he makes out or wants to leave anyway but will feel 'less bad' if the OP is in a full time job.

It’s not at all. EA work all hours under the sun.
he is bringing in 3 figures. He runs the company and he has responsibility for everything to do with the company. People commute 1 hour in all sorts of jobs where we live. Sometimes you have to work where the money is and travel.

This isn't a SAHM versus WOHM argument. OP is working, even if she went FT her increased salary will probably just about cover childcare costs , never mind the mortgage for this big fancy house her DH feels he deserves.

Should OP better her earning potential? Well maybe but as she says they have been together 14 years and she hasn't changed, so why should she pretzel herself into something she isn't because her H wants more than they can afford?

They have a house, maybe not the house of their dreams, but a roof over their head and security for their family.

The H sounds like a permanently angry man. Even if OP suddenly doubled her earning power and they got the house of his dreams, who honestly thinks he'd be happy then ?

Counselling if he will go sounds like the only way forward.

I'm in the same boat as you, I try to stick to part time hours to be home with my baby, but some of those hours are spread out from Monday to friday. I pay the childcare which isn't cheap..its nothing to feel down about £58 day £38 for half a day, not many nurseries let you pay hourly so those are the costs even if he's there a couple of hours as you have to book slots and once you book them you're paying whether he's in that day or not. So if you do shift work where each week is different its a pain! After a month the invoice takes up most of my wage the bit left over is for shopping. You are definitely paying your way!

The childcare situation gets me down too because not many jobs cater for mums who have to pick up their child from school/ nursrey. Nursreys don't open on weekends or after around 6pm on weekdays that's just how it is. Your husband wants you to get another job..fine but then the burden of trying to arrange childcare around work should fall on him too, he needs to talk to his boss and get flexible hours to leave work. And trust me it's not an easy conversation to have with most employers. They don't care if you can't find childcare they just want you to turn up to work. He'll be discriminated against in no time and they'll find a reason to sack him. I'm guessing he's not the one who has to have the awkwardness of leaving work early if the child is sick too? He'll soon realise what that's like too. Employers don't take too kindly to that either.

You still won't have anymore money because you'd still have to pay childcare for the hours you take on.

That's what mum's have to deal with..you're dammed if you do and dammed if you don't work. He needs to grow up and honestly I think he just wants a way out because by now all of that should be common sense to him, its not easy juggling work and children even at part time.

It’s worth it because he’ll be able to retire soon. He loves working and is happy and content with his Sundays with the family and all the holidays we get too.

@Spacecowboys

Full agreement with what you've said. There might be underlying work/financial issues that the OP doesn't know about it.
They definitely need to talk this over.

we don’t like where we live and want to move to a different area and get a bigger house. Dh actually hates our house…

Such a shame that you didn’t have an opportunity to visit the area and view the house before you both decided buy it. Would have avoided this situation.

@Mumtothreegirlies my H earns just into 3 figures running his own niche 'thing' and at 61 I now help him with the business . He also does ludicrously odd hours because he is dealing with people overseas and answering emails at funny times. There are lots of higher paid senior level jobs, some of which are self employed, that really aren't 9 to 5 - especially in interesting sectors, media and PR, journalism, actors, consultancy, film crews, operations managers, forensics, - etc - many of these can involve a lot of travel too and therefore it often works better with a family to have one part timer or non working.

He's early 30s and able to retire "soon"? Even though only a handful of years ago you couldn't afford furniture, holidays or anything nice?
Calling bullshit.
He "loves" working because it allows him to almost entirely opt out of adult life. He doesn't have to clean up after himself, he doesn't cook, he barely sees his own kids.

We liked the area we live in when we bought, but things change.

We've realised the schools aren't amazing and if we stretch ourselves we can get into an area with amazing schools so that's what we are doing.

People buy houses for all kinds of reasons.

Also people are ignoring the fact that it isn't just the house, it's the financial security of being a genuinely two income family as opposed to one self employed contractor and one earning 'bibs and bobs'.

Childcare costs are a short term issue- the child will soon be eligible for free nursery hours if he isn't already followed closely by going to school.

What will the excuse be then?

OP isn't earning

Sorry having phone issues. OP isn't earning "bits and bobs" she is working part time because of her 3 year old DC. Who knows if OP plans to.up her hours once her DC is at school.

my Husband is late 30’s and our children are teenagers so it was more then “handful’ of years ago. And just because we CHOSE not to buy new furniture back then doesn’t mean we couldn’t afford to and even if we couldn’t afford to doesn’t mean working hard isn’t beneficial to your future. This is what climbing the career ladder is. You don’t start off Rich you work your way up through hard dedication to a role.

And that's fine. As you say, each to their own and all that. The thing is, you don't get to decide unilaterally that you want to SAH with your children unless the other parent is on board with this. And the OP's DH clearly isn't.

Exactly.
But this is the land of MN where both parents work 9-5 very local to their kids schools, with amazing flexibility that allows them to see every assembly and sports day and allows the dads to pop home and Cook dinner, do the ironing, romance their wife and pay a big mortgage.
forget the reality of the relationship section
must be hard for them to wrap their head around a not so simple career.

She said she pays for childcare and 'bits and bobs' while DH pays for literally everything else.

It's not exactly pulling your weight financially. I wonder what the response would be if a man came on here and said he'd decided unilaterally that he was happiest just paying for 2.5 days of childcare and a few discretionary bits and bobs while his wife paid all the bills herself and worried about money.

OP, you’re not wrong for not wanting to be separated from your child more, that’s natural instinct and perfectly understandable. However, I think being a SAHP needs to be a joint agreement (unless you’re independently wealthy) you can’t just decide someone else has to take on the financial responsibility alone, that’s not a partnership. Your husband doesn’t want to support you in being a SAHM/working part time, so you will need to go back to full time work.

Having said that, you also need to be very clear with him that that means you will be sharing the child care bill going forward, that you will not be responsible for all sick days etc, they need to be shared evenly, and he will need to do 50% of the housework and childcare (assuming he doesn’t already). He needs to understand it works both ways.