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Relationships

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Original poster

Ending a relationship if 3.5 years

16 replies

Rusty1988 · 11/07/2023 19:42

Hi,

My boyfriend and I are verging on ending our 3.5 year relationship as he doesn't want children.

I'm 34 (35 in August and it feels like time is running out) but I am very scared and not sure I am making the right decision.

This is the longest relationship I've had with anyone and in a lot of ways he looks after me.

I suppose I just want to hear some similar experiences or some advice.

OP posts:

Sammy1974again · 11/07/2023 20:02

Hi, one of my siblings had a simular situation. She was upfront with her partner. He did not want a child as he is in his forties and already had a grown up daughter.. They briefly split up and after 8 months of living by herself they got back together and now have a baby girl.
I would tell him how you feel and tell him what you would like in the future and see what he says. There might be a reason such as money or something. Its a hard one as you have been with him for quite a while.Good luck whatever you decide.

Alcemeg · 11/07/2023 20:18

In this situation you can only throw all your cards in the air and see where they land.

Maybe he'll come up trumps.

Maybe you'll meet a better match.

Good luck OP X

IdealisticCynic · 11/07/2023 20:28

I’m so sorry OP, but if you want kids and he doesn’t, then it’s not a situation in which a compromise can be reached.

Mylovelygreendress · 11/07/2023 20:38

My DSis ‘s DP was adamant he didn’t want DC. She did but she wanted him . After 10 years together she was 35 and was too scared to start again so decided to stay and not have DC even though she was heartbroken.
3 years later he left her for someone else and they are now married with 3DC .
Dsis never had DC and is very bitter.

WaterBaby9 · 11/07/2023 20:39

Theres no guarantee you'd find another partner /the right relationship to have a baby in. If he's the absolute love of your life, then have a serious talk but like someone else said, there isnt really a half way point and if neither of you will change your mind, you can only walk away and see what life will bring x

Aquamarine1029 · 11/07/2023 20:40

If you want children, you should have ended this relationship yesterday.

Just because you love and care for someone doesn't mean you're compatible and can stay together. If you want kids, you are simply not compatible with this man. Staying with him will only lead to bitterness and regret.

Wish him well and end it.

canpinkydance · 11/07/2023 20:41

I was in a similar situation previously but I'm the female, my male ex wanted children and I didn't.

I'd always been honest, he was just sure that I'd change my mind.

Has he always held this position or was he previously ambivalent?

If you want kids then yes, you'll need to separate.

Shapemyeyebrows · 11/07/2023 20:54

@Rusty1988 how old is your partner? Has he always said he doesnt want kids? Unfortunately I do think you need to leave. But only leave with the mindset you will be leaving and moving on. Don’t leave hoping it will make him change his mind. You might leave and not meet someone to have kids with but if you stay with him you definitely won’t.

Original poster

Rusty1988 · 11/07/2023 22:13

Hi,

Thanks for your response. So initially when we were dating he said he would have children with the right person. Unfortunately as we got deeper into the relationship and started talking about it he is now clear he doesn't want them.

I find this so hard as it's the first real relationship I've had. The first time I've lived with anyone. He's so supportive.

I had a few health issues and knee surgery last year and he looked after me.

I feel so confused. I just dont know how practically to make having a baby work. I don't have any family nearby that could help so it's all dependent on having a good relationship. The boyfriend i had before this one also didn't want children and I ended that relationship because of the same reason. But It was much easier as we weren't living together and had been together less than 6 months.

I have so many fears about the future both being a parent and not being one.

How on earth does anyone make this work?

OP posts:

Shapemyeyebrows · 11/07/2023 23:19

@Rusty1988 it’s tough, when you love someone to end things and step into the unknown. Unfortunately your partner either changed his mind about kids or decided you aren’t the right person to have kids with. However he has more time on his side than you do to chop and change his mind. It will be hard to leave him but if you want kids you have to. What if you stay with him and in 3 years time the relationship breaks down? No relationship is a guarantee so don’t waste your fertility years on someone who doesn’t want what you want.

Original poster

Rusty1988 · 19/07/2023 21:17

@Shapemyeyebrows thanks, it looks I am leaving. If I don't ill probably spend the rest of my life wondering what if. I am already worried I have left it too late (I'm 35 next month!)

I quire frightened by what the future will bring but I don't know what else to do.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 20/07/2023 08:43

The bottom line is there are no guarantees.

You might leave him and still never meet someone to have children with. You might stay with him and come to terms with it. You might stay with him and regret it. You ight decide to sacrifice children for him only for him to leave amd have them with someone else and be left with neither. That's what makes it such a difficult decision.

In your shoes, I think I'd have one last honest conversation about how important this is to you and what this means for the relationship and then leave if he's still a no.

It's one thing to decide to forgo children but it would be horrific if you ended up in the position the pp's sister found herself in!

You know what you want for your life. You owe it to yourself to give yourself the best chance of achieving that.

And I say that as someone with 2 children but who was quite ambivalent about having children and wouldn't have sacrificed a relationship for them.

Ofcourseshecan · 20/07/2023 09:40

Mylovelygreendress · 11/07/2023 20:38

Sorry for your DSis, Greendress. I had a similar experience, and I think it’s not uncommon.

OP, if you want children you have to make that your priority now, in a serious way. If you don’t find the right man, then you go it alone. Don’t wait for luck or chance, which may never happen.

VeridicalVagabond · 20/07/2023 09:47

Sorry OP, it's really hard but there just isn't a compromise to be had here. You can't have half a baby. It's a shame he changed his mind but that's his prerogative. If you really want children staying with him isn't the way.

You've still got time, but your chances of meeting someone to have kids with are zero while you stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't want them.

You have my sympathies, it's a rubbish situation for both of you.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 20/07/2023 18:39

You're doing the right thing by leaving. You're giving yourself the opportunity to have the family you'd like. If you stayed you'd never have that.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/07/2023 20:59

Tbh if this man is your 'soul mate' you'll probably reconnect at some point in your lives... I would go and find someone to have a baby with or even have one on your own if you really want one and haven't met 'the one' in the next few years. You might also want to consider getting a fertility MOT done and perhaps freezing eggs

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