I'm lost. Stay or Go.

[BettyVN]

Hi all,
I've been with my husband for almost 20 years, married for 10. No kids - we have tried. We have tried so hard (9 years) - so much so, that i was hospitalised after a very traumatic round of IVF.

Here's the thing. I don't know if i want to be here anymore. He's a good man, a very good man - i'm very attracted to him, he's kind, caring & patient with me. He keeps fit, looks after himself and helps with all the household work we have.

However, i feel like something is missing. I've felt this way for so long - we've had counselling too esp during our IVF years. We are considering donor (egg) now.

I feel like we're on different wavelengths - i want to progress in my career, self development and myself where as he doesn't have this motivation. His family have rejected me for many years and we've worked on this but now, i feel a deep sense of loneliness, sadness and crave something more. A far deeper connection - i want to smile again from my heart. I crave simply living on my own or travelling - being free.

So ladies, i don't know - am i dreaming of something that's a pipe dream - is this normal? Please help. I feel so stuck

Thank you x

I didn't want to read and run, it sounds like you have had a lot of trauma in your relationship and that's bound to take a toll.

You describe him as a good man that you are attracted to. Are you sure that leaving him will make your life better? I'm probably biased but I was married for 16 years and 6 months ago found out my husband was up to serious betrayal behind my back. He was not good, or kind and after what I have seen I could never be attracted to him again.

To have a relationship like you describe sounds like a dream to me but I realise everyone's perspective is different. The only opinions that matter here are yours and your husband's.

I think at least it is worth talking to him about to see what he wants out of life now?

Thank you. Yes, we have alot of trauma - loss of parents, a decade of infertility, not being accepted by his family. It's been a really tough marriage - we've always said nothing has been easy for us and it feels like we've always fought a battle with everything we do - as it's not been free flowing.

I'm so sorry about your betrayal - how awful for you.

We have spoken - he wants continue, he's very content.

Take some time out. Travel. Be free. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing yet. Explore.

Are you both in agreement on trying with a donor egg though? That might take you on a different path from what you seem to want.

Do you still want to have a baby or pursue career, personal development etc? Even if he isn’t interested in pursuing those things, would he be supportive of you doing so? And how important is it to you for him to be pursuing those things? Discussing your life goals and aspirations might help you figure out whether you can sustain your relationship through this new season of your life.

Hi - i think he's supportive of me - he's never not stopped me. I have wanted to pursue an MSc and this has been something that's been on my mind for years and years. Im finally gearing up to do it and having a baby would be hard (although after trying for so long, i've learnt not to put my life on hold). I believe he knows my life goals - i've talked alot about them as i've seen a growth coach too. I guess, it's just this feeling which keeps resurfacing for me. I just dont know.

Is it that you want to stop with the infertility treatments and feel you to to split to be able to?

it's not the fertility treatment. He's open to stopping if i want to - it was very harsh on my mental health after my last round but i've now worked on myself alot. It's just this nagging feeling. What is this nagging feeling? :( (

I think you really need to sit down with a therapist to help you work through this OP. It could just be a bit of restlessness and a need for it to be just about you for a bit, or it could be something more.
I've recently started therapy and she's brilliant, just getting everything out and them knowing the questions you need asking to give yourself some direction. I felt lost, taken for granted and unhappy in my relationship for years. He was lovely but just not right for me any more.

If you're attracted to him and still intimate I'd say that speaks volumes about your relationship though, us women can't fake that stuff

Thanks Tilly. Can i ask, what have you decided to do? We are still intimate but not as much as we used to be - in fact, a lot less. He's becoming alot more moody (i say he gets hormonal!) which drives me insane but more so, i've also not wanted it. Not sure if it's because i'm in my early 40's, the infertility or if we're just growing apart. When i see him, i am attracted to him but like you say, maybe it's restlessness or maybe it's something more.

I would be ok on my own - i have my own financial accounts, security etc so that part doesn't worry me as much. It's the decision. Or maybe it's just been the infertility which has killed our relationship and had a horrid horrid impact.

We're currently separated, the intimacy had really gone from my side. I thought it was me and hormones (I'm 41) but if I was being really honest with myself I just wasn't feeling things any more. A lot of little issues built up and kinda got on top of me in the end.
I'm staying with my mum and like I say having therapy and just doing a lot for myself. I'm about to go away next week on my own for the first time in years, pretty excited.

I can't even imagine what its like to go through fertility treatment, I don't have kids either, but you must feel like your life has not been your own for so long and you've been put through the ringer. Maybe a break from eachother would help

So we're a similar age then - both of us possibly having the same feelings. I feel excited for you and your holiday. Is it totally over for you both then?

The fertility treatment has been horrible. An intense journey which has taught me so much.

He really doesn't want it to be, and I'm just very unsure. I'm not sure if the intimacy issues are something we can fix, there's also other issues that just come down to "who he is" that are just grating me and I'm not sure if I'm in love with him enough to look past them anymore.

Not going to lie it's a horrible situation, he's a good man as your husband seems to be, and it feels like I've pulled the rug from under his feet but I couldn't go on pretending to be happy.

Sending hugs to you

Here's a far less dramatic version of the year to live question. It can give clarity.

If you could press fast forward to this time next year, July 2024 to a day when it's all behind you, the difficult conversation telling him it's over, the separating of finances, resettling children, one (or both of you) moving out and setting up in a new household, but, 12th July 2024, it's all sorted now... it's just the future to meet now!

Do you do it? Do you press fast forward?

Sending you love as you think through your next steps. I hope the break away will help you. So so tough isn't it.

I really like this. For me, it's press forward for sure. I want to move to 2024... but yea, the dilemma of if it's with/without him persists. I really like this concept though - thank you. I'm going to really think about this.

Hi, sorry to read what you've been through and how you're feeling. I'm a similar age to you, I've been with my OH for 19 years, married for 10 years and we too went through fertility treatment, which wasn't successful.

We've had other issues too, for the past 7 years my OH has suffered with severe depression & has never fully come out the other side. We've also had a lot of family illness / complexities / stress (mainly on my OH's side).

I understand how you feel and I don't think it's uncommon. The only reasoning I've come up with, is that I've spent the last 20 years focusing on everything / everyone else & taking things in my stride, that somewhere along that path, I lost myself. I think there is something about your 40's, it's definitely made me look at things in a new light & for the first time, I've started to think about myself. Many of my friends who are mainly in their 40's / 50's, seem to be going through this too. Some are muddling their way through for the sake of their children, others have completely changed their life.

I can't offer any advice in how to navigate this, I'm still trying to figure that out for myself but you're not alone in how you're feeling. x

Hi, i'm sorry to hear about your struggles too. We have a very similar few years with fertility treatment, length of time being married etc. It's so hard. I lost myself, i lost my friends and so many people just left my side when we started going through fertility treatment. I think it's so extremely hard.

I don't know. What are you planning to do? I've really started to invest in myself over the past couple of years - getting a coach, pushing myself at work. We are actively exploring the DE route but I feel like my life needs a huge shake-up. You're right - there is something about 40. To me, it's like i've finally discovered who I am - and tbh, i like it. I like knowing who i am and feeling comfortable in me.

My in-laws have treated me so badly over the past few years so - so i've tried to overcome this via counselling, coaching and really finding people who want to be around me. I don't know what the future holds - i guess, we have to muddle through, like you say with your friends.

I would caution leaving your marriage while ever you are unsure what the niggling feeling is. It could turn out not to be marriage related.

I know someone who very recently divorced, and has just realised she's still unhappy, and it wasn't her marriage that was the problem. She'd felt generally disatisfied, perhaps a 'mid-life crisis', and over time convinced herself it was her DH that was the problem. That was confusing to everyone around them as they'd seemed happy before. It's really sad, as it threw a grenade in their lives and their children's lives, and it turns out it hasn't made anyone any happier.

I'm not advicating always staying together, far from it. If you're unhappy in your marriage then leave, and go have adventures! It's just with you saying that you've been happy, and he is a decent man, there are no 'problems' as such, other than external pressures on your relationship. It makes me think that a) it's entirely understandable you will feeling out of sorts because of all you've been through (and nothing that leaving your marriage would solve) and b) you may end up less happy if you leave.

Is there something you can do in the meantime, to test the waters a bit? Perhaps a solo adventure holiday or some travelling on your own? Start that qualification. It may be that scratches the 'itch' and you find contentment again. Or it may be that it clarifies what you need is singledom and more freedom.

I wish you well whichever way it turns out.

It might be worth looking at why you might think you 'ought' to stay in a situation that isn't making you happy. Were you happy as a child? What happened if you weren't happy, as a child? Were you listened to and respected, or were you told to be quiet and made to feel that something more important than your feelings was happening? Were you taught to put your feelings to one side for 'the greater good'?

This happened to me; my mum really did love me and want the best for me, but my parents' relationship was tumultuous, and when 2 parents are in chaos, the child can get pushed to one side. It doesn't have to be 'neglect' or 'rubbish parenting', it just has to be enough for you to feel that your feelings are a bit 'silly' compared to the big picture.

What is this nagging feeling

It's your heart. The real you. Listen to her. You don't have to act, unless you want to, but take some time to yourself and listen to her, to what she wants, to what she feels is missing, to what she needs. If you follow her, she'll make you happy, and she's the only one who can.

I feel pretty similar to you . Dh has hurted me and I feel betrayed. I haven't received any explanation for any of the behavior (not an affair though thankfully). I feel lost and in my case I have no one in real life to talk to. At times I feel I am just getting from one day to another but I am not taking any decisions right now as I am still deeply hurt. I agree with @perfectcolourfound actually I came on here to say something similar but couldn't have written it as well as perfect colour. No advice op just letting you know that you are not alone.

I'd split up. I'm a single parent and I feel the default in conservative society is taken to be being in a couple but for me, default is you yourself on your own and you let somebody in if it ADDS to your life and not if it doesn't. But i didn't start out with this clarity unfortunately.

I suppose that staying with this man may seem connected to the outcome of becoming a mother, or not, but as an older woman (53) I only saw, and valued the freedom to pursue other routes to fulfilment after it was too late.

Now, the freedom to go and pursue all of the other things that are out there would be so exciting but it's not available to me.

You sound like you're realising all of the other things that are out there in the world. I think you should end the relationship and then go and walk the camino or something, while you think and walk, eat, walk, live, get back in attunement with yourself and what you want.

Do you think that you've been through so much that this is a form of the "fight or flight" reaction writ large - your subconscious is saying "run run run" because of what you've been through rather than because of what the future prospects are?

If I had to pick a course of action for the complete stranger that you are - I'd say dump any DE / IVF / fertility treatment.

Don't do anything else permanent for a year, just try and let things settle.

See if you can do something different with your DH, something where you can both have a fresh start as a couple without being haunted by the ghosts of all you've been through recently.