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Relationships

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To start dating or not?

8 replies

NewBeginning23 · 11/07/2023 12:34

I could do with some perspective! I left my husband 6 months ago, we were married for 14 years and it was not a happy marriage for much of that time. I spent my entire life pandering to his moods and needs and spent very little time thinking about me and what I wanted.

Since we separated I have become friendly with a man I work with. We chat a lot and have been for coffee. He’s made it clear that he’s interested in me. He’s been really supportive and considerate and is in no way pressuring me. Only last night he said that he’s happy to be a friend and just see where my head is at when I’m ready to think about dating. Thing is, I am starting to really like him. Is there any harm in going on a ‘date’? For so long I have felt like crap about myself. He is kind, funny and I fancy him.

I don’t know how to ‘date’! It’s been too long. I was thinking of suggesting we go for a meal one evening, that seems more date-like than daytime coffee doesn’t it? If I want a date I’ll have to be the one to ask him, the ball is clearly in my court for now as I have said to him over the past few months that I’m not ready to date and I know he won’t pressure me.

I’m kind of scared of making that transition though, and it’s probably too soon. On the other hand, I figure where is the harm in it? I’m not looking to get into a serious relationship. He’s not a long-term prospect. I have kids and don’t want more, he’s never been married and would like a family in future. We are both fully aware of each other’s situation so why not have someone attractive and intelligent to spend my rare free time with (I have 2 kids, they are with me the majority of the time)? We like a lot of the same things and could have a lot of fun together.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Notaboutthebass · 11/07/2023 13:36

I'd say that if you're over the marriage and your ex and don't need therapy then go for it, he could be the man of your dreams.

Pinkbonbon · 11/07/2023 14:06

My word of caution would be that its never wise to date someone who knows the last ex treated you badly (or tell them early on)

Plenty of men seem lovely... in the beginning.

After just 6 months being out if a relationship where you were running about after a selfish twat, you may not have the boundaries shored up again yet.

Have you for example, done your homework on how to spot abusers and similar in future? Don't just assume they'll follow the same steps your husband did.

Maybe fo the freedom programme online. Might be a good start.

Have you worked through any issues of codependency you might have, that could have contributed to you staying with the ex for so long?

There's lots of self work and study that needs doing before dating again. So you dont end up in similar situations.

I know you think you just want something fun and light. But can you trust yourself to stuck to that?

Example, you've been dating for 6 months and hes become a real joy in your life. He suddenly needs a place to stay. You feel bad for him. Do you let him move in with you? No? What if he tells you it's only for a short while? Asks if maybe you two can become something more and 'give things a real shot?

If it were another year from now I'd say go for it, take it slow and be on guard for red flags. But after just 6 months. I don't care if the guy looks like Dan Stevens and facts gold, you're taking a massive, unnecessary risk.

Pinkbonbon · 11/07/2023 14:11

Seriously op. Sorry to be a kill joy.

But maybe take him up on his offer to be friends and see how he takes that. If he is a genuine person, you'll not see any moodiness or pushing boundaries or acting like you've wronged him somehow over the coming weeks. If he was just saying 'let's be friends' and didn't mean it however...

It'll give you an indication of how he takes the word 'no'. Selfish people can talk the good talk but they struggle to keep up the act.

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 11/07/2023 14:14

If you don't want to repeat the same mistakes, then you're not ready. Rather spend some time talking through your last relationship with a therapist and learn to be by yourself for a while.

NewBeginning23 · 11/07/2023 14:19

Good advice, I think I knew the answer but I was tempted! I will stick to friends for a while.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 11/07/2023 14:26

Probably a wise move. I mean, you work with the guy too so it would be uncomfortable af if it didn't work out/when it fizzles out.

Zanatdy · 11/07/2023 17:57

Well I say go for it - life is short

NewBeginning23 · 12/07/2023 17:03

I'll stick with friends for now and report back how it goes! I won't see him for a few weeks now due to holidays etc. If he keeps chatting/messaging until we're both back then maybe another coffee 'non-date'!

OP posts:
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