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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Punterlink adultwork ukpunting pathetic male human beings

17 replies

gettingthethrow · 11/07/2023 10:46

When a woman finds out her husband has visited prostitutes via Adultwork, this is what happens.

Her sense of normality and safety is utterly destroyed.
She questions her reality, past and present.
She doesn't know who to talk to or what to say.
She will cry, cry, cry, cry, cry.
She looks at her DC who may now be adults and just feels utter regret. They have lost something of their innocence, too, by knowing their father had sex with prostitutes.
She feels humiliated.
Her self-esteem is shattered.
Her body confidence will plummet.
She will compare herself to younger women.
She will spend hours and hours trawling through Adultwork, trying to figure out which one of the prostitutes he might have touched.
She feels repulsed imagining where he's been.
All innocence is obliterated. Things she once took joy in, no longer hold joy.
She finds herself looking at young women in town and wondering if they are prostitutes.
She trusts nobody.
She views society as utterly corrupt and full of shitty people.
She will suffer the effects of PTSD.
Her personality will probably change. She may become very angry at things she would have brushed aside before.
She questions the point of even carrying on, but will, just for the DC.
She endures the humiliation of other people not understanding the impact upon her, with some of them secretly blaming her because she wasn't sexy enough/sexually skilled enough to 'hold onto' her man.
The devastating realisation that the person who had promised to remain faithful, her closest ally and friend, is just another pathetic shit.
HTH.

OP posts:
HowAmYa · 11/07/2023 10:52

Gosh, is everything ok OP? Is this something you have had to endure?

Its disgusting, I'm almost sat here wondering what's worse; what he did or the impact forever on the partner.

Circumferences · 11/07/2023 10:53

What's happened?

TheoTheopolis23 · 11/07/2023 11:55

She views society as utterly corrupt and full of shitty people.

Most people are not punters or pimps (I don't include prostituted as having any fault in the sex industry).

So what's the point of thinking like they are??

The closest most decent men get to the sex industry is going into strip clubs on stag do's .... And some stag do's dont do that (I know men who managed not to make the sex industry part of their stag do).

TheoTheopolis23 · 11/07/2023 12:01

I could go through all the points bit I know this isn't about logic; it's about trauma.

I'm sorry you've gone through this op ..... I think your post is actually really helpful for women who have or will go through this.

There are a lot of overlaps with "standard" infidelity but also lots of things that are specific to infidelity with sex workers.

TheoTheopolis23 · 11/07/2023 12:05

I do think people who haven't gone through it won't understand unless they have exceptional empathy.

You will also encounter the "he did it because he wasn't getting enough sex" etc idiots. Anyone with a brain knows they're idiots. Don't countenance the opinions of idiots.

There are plenty of women who have punter partners who have active sex lives with them.

It's not about sex with their partner, its about sex with women who aren't their partner. It's about "prostitute sex". It's about sex with women the couldn't pull in "real life". Dumb asses don't get the mentality of a punter and probably never will.

TheoTheopolis23 · 11/07/2023 12:15

All innocence is obliterated. Things she once took joy in, no longer hold joy.

Don't let him do that to you.

So he's a sleazy, no integrity, creepy degenerate who is;

  • Ok with cheating in a monogamous relationship.
  • Ok with exploiting vulnerable women - it's clear from UK punting that sex workers are mostly immigrants with poor English, run by gangs
  • ok with buying the use of women's bodies
  • thinks he can buy consent
  • has sex with women probably young enough to be his child .... And see the points above - paid consent is never real consent, they are likely run by gangs,they likely have no "normal" opportunities for young women in the UK
  • if he still had sex with his part er, he was ok with risking her sexual health (some STDs get around condoms and oral sex with prostitutes is often without condoms)
  • happy to spend family/household money on sex workers
  • thinks he can lead a double life with a respectable front, which he exploits his partner and kids to provide
  • lies on an ongoing basis to his nearest & "dearest"
-etc etc etc

What has any of that got to do with you??

What have his major character failings got to do with you?

Hrs a degenerate & has no morals.
You are not. That's why you enjoy normal, "innocent" things.

Don't let him take your joy Iife in normal things away.

You're normal - that's why you enjoy those things. Like most other normal people.

TheoTheopolis23 · 11/07/2023 12:19

We don't define reality by the degenerate, no morals creeps of this world. No-one normal has to be told not to do what they do. If they thought it was ok or normal, why would they hide it, eh.

This excuse of a human being is not worth you feeling suicidal or depriving yourself of the enjoyment of your life.

Have you had counseling op?

Bookworm20 · 11/07/2023 16:25

The trauma response from finding out something like that is huge. Someone causing you emotional pain like that is something very very difficult to overcome and process and recover from. if you ever can.

I sometimes think that if they had just beaten the crap out of their partner instead it would at least be something there to see, a visible wound, like hes done this to me and everyone can see how bad it is! But emotional pain like that isn't visible and that makes it so hard to come to terms with. Its like all the bruises are on the inside and it hurts so so much, but noone can see it or understand it.

OP, please get some councelling and try and work through this. Do not let this piece of shit excuse for a human ruin the rest of your life. Easy to say I know, but you somehow need to dig up your inner strength (its in there, believe me, its in there somewhere) and KNOW you are a million times better than this person and don't ever let a thought other than that enter your head.

RudeRicky · 25/11/2023 03:47

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Planesmistakenforstars · 25/11/2023 07:04

I'm so sorry for what you must be going through OP.

I do disagree with one thing. I don't consider the ones who do this to be human beings. They are just chimpanzees wearing human skin, and should be treated as such.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 25/11/2023 08:46

Agree with someone who said this isn’t about logic it’s trauma

and I don’t minimise the trauma ! Not at all

but it’s so sad that it’s caused such a wealth of horrible and negative thoughts 💭 for you

If its made you feel so horrific and has triggered your self esteem to this extent you should get some help and therapist to process

he will still be a cheat who uses sex workers
but your mental peace will be better xxx

69TheyAllLie69 · 10/01/2024 00:41

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MCOut · 10/01/2024 00:59

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. It’s important that you know, nothing you did led to this. The kind of man that does this views women like items on a food menu. Even if you looked like a Goddess, he would’ve probably still done it. His actions are a reflection of him and not you.I promise you, some of the people you think are judging you are firmly in your corner.

There’s also no shame in reaching out for help. If you haven’t already go and see your GP and see if you can get some counselling or depending on where you work, there might be an EAP you can go through. Chin up, it might not feel like it, but you will get past this and be happy again and reclaim yourself.

TheaBrandt · 10/01/2024 01:08

Hand on heart it genuinely wouldn’t have occurred to me for one moment to think there was any shred of blame or reflection whatsoever on the behaviour of the wife of a man that used prostitutes - op that’s crazy talk. I would just feel terribly sorry for her that she had inadvertently married a sleaze.

D21 · 02/03/2024 05:27

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Oneofthosemanthings · 12/07/2024 12:17

I get the premise of the post, and it has certainly opened my eyes to the potential trauma this can cause. But language like "pathetic male human beings" isn't helpful. Nothing is ever black and white, and being unfaithful and/or having dubious morals isn't exclusive to men.

Oneofthosemanthings · 12/07/2024 15:48

I'd also like to say, unless you're a man, you don't understand what it feels like to be a man. You don't understand what urges come from inside. Please, please, PLEASE don't make judgements on men based on being a woman. Unfortunately I'll probably be shot down in flames here, but unless we really try to understand the other side of the human experience, we'll never be able to have a proper conversation to get to the bottom of issues like this.

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