A narcissistic will move on without a thought of what they left behind won’t they?

[Ifyousayso1]

I am 4 years post abuse. I have been suffering with trauma for many years. It’s getting much better now after time has past.

I went through a stage last year where I was convinced I was the abuser as he has moved on with no trouble. Went straight onto online dating after the 12 year marriage ended. He tried hard to get me to come back, death threats, begging, offering therapy etc etc but as soon as he realised I was serious he signed up met a girl and moved in, had a baby, she is 14 years younger then him. I know this as we share a child.

I suffered a breakdown around 6 months after leaving. I was told it was all the trauma I’d pushed down over the years and the emotional and mental abuse. Through court he blamed me, through the marriage he blamed me. I guess without realising I’d taken it my on board that I was the problem. I’ve been convinced it was me as he has moved on with no problems yet I needed therapy and still have to work on it everyday.

Why have I been suffering, perhaps none of it was as bad a I thought. I think I’ve come to realise that a narcissist person is unable to see what they have done. He generally has left the problem with me. Well so he thinks, when he has taken it with him. The new girl is probably getting the same man as I was. Perhaps she is more enabling then I was. She is doing all the work with our child, doing the homework, cooking the food etc etc.

Ive always thought there is no way a human could have done what they did and move on without feeling guilty and thinking they might do that again to someone else. So therefor it must have been me. I’ve got it wrong. In his world he did nothing wrong.

Yes of course. They can and do rewrite history in their minds so they are the innocent party.
They cannot see that they've done anything wrong. I don't think they ever feel guilt, as that would need empathy for others and they aren't wired for that.
All the begging etc is only a means to an end - the result that they want, not what is in another's best interests.

Yes, you're right.

Their ability to be abusive is predicated on their equal ability to reframe every situation so that they have done nothing wrong, and the victim is the abuser or crazy.

I honestly did not know my exH was abusing me while we were together. I knew he was behaving awfully, had disengaged from our marriage etc. One of his tactics was to refuse to discuss anything eg when I asked what was wrong, how could we fix it, he'd literally ignore me. By the time we separated, we had never had one conversation about it, despite a 17 year relationship & 3 DC. (No one ever understands this).

Mortifyingly I spent most of the first year after separation asking him repeatedly for an explanation. I needed to understand.

Eventually a long time later I realised he was abusive, and gaslighting me (hadn't even heard the word at the time but thanks MN!)

One thing to say - don't assume he'll behave the same way to his new partner. They don't always - it is only when they can or where it will give them some satisfaction. This can be very hard to accept.

Yes they're great narrative weavers and they're always the unfortunate victim. It's no coincidence the new woman is younger, more naieve, less cynical. Perfect. It might take her several years to realise what's happening.

Does anyone else know him well? Anyone who knows what hes like behind closed doors? I found enormous strength and solidarity in becoming friends with his ex, mother and sister. We all, eventually, figured it out and put together the fragments of lies and half truths he said to each of us in turn.

@supercali77 his life before me was in a different country. I know he treated his girlfriends there bad but never met them.