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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trust and lying

8 replies

Dowdachris · 11/07/2023 00:38

My partner of 11 years says I'm a narcissist. She has been diagnosed with bpd, clinical depression, and ptsd. I was unaware of any diagnosis except adhd.
yes I have lied. But the lies weren't to cover up an affair or to intentionally hurt her. If you know anyone with bad then you know that they are very suspicious people. Not only is mine suspicious but very intense and scared of being the only one to not know what's going on. This leads to countless hours of interrogation and you better have your facts straight and don't forget exactly how you recalled it because that's not the last time that one is coming up.
It's been about two years of fighting with my partner mostly about trivial bs that most just brush off. I'm not saying I have a halo but I have been very loyal and I work hard so that my family and I can flourish. So we have a super fight. I showed my butt after a long night of fighting and drinking. I didn't physically hurt any person but she locked me out of my house after running me over with my own truck. So I tried to break door down kids were awake it was a bad night. She says she fears for her life and I need to leave. I quit my job as a foreman turned in truck keys and tools to boss called my dad to come get me who lives 4 and a half hours away. All of this takes place over a 48 hour period. She says nothing in fact she mostly slept. I get to my dad's house she calls me tells me she's going out to get laid. I said OK do you. I'm hurt of course but that is a part of breaking up. I hit up my last girlfriend from 11 years ago on Facebook who lives 500 miles away to talk. We talk she bragged about her boobs getting bigger. She said you want to see them I said sure. She flashed me and immediately started apologizing. But other than that we talked about our lives were we had been updated each other on our family's. Me and my wife decide we are going to try our relationship again. When I get home she proceeds to tell me that she met up with a man from a dating sight and slept with him. I withheld the fact my ex flashed me. I also erased messages off of Facebook. But she knew I had been talking to her. But my partner had me believing that she just laid around crying the whole time. Until I got back then she hits me with I had unprotected sex with a stranger.
This situation which happened 2 years ago has caused our whole relationship to change. I'm a liar who she doesn't believe anything I say. Everything everyday is questio ed. If I'm not in her sight I'm doing something devious. I have no friends. I go to work and come home. I have no money because she doesn't work and help. All of my money goes to the house but yet I'm still accused of going to strip clubs and buying prostitutes.the only thing I'm guilty of is lying to avoid conflict with an unreasonable person and venting to my family about our problems. And recently she has found google maps. She constantly goes into my history brings up a day two months ago and expects me to remember every detail of that day. My memory is shit so I can see were she might think I'm acting funny about it. But what it is is frustration. I don't mind taking responsibility for a bad decision or a mistake. But I'm having a really hard time with not being trusted with every day tasks that aren't in her eyesight without being attacked. Please can anyone help?

OP posts:
xxalhxx · 11/07/2023 00:40

Being with someone like that isn't easy they need somebody who's patient and willing to take time to understand them but it sounds like your burning the candle at both ends you will eventually get burnt out and emotionally drained

Dowdachris · 11/07/2023 00:41

Every where it's says bad it is supposed to say BPD

OP posts:
blondequdi · 11/07/2023 01:15

Off topic but why would you message an ex from 11 years ago? Do you still have atttaction or feelings for her?

Allmyghosts · 11/07/2023 01:44

Sounds like bullshit. If you have any sense split up, stop blaming her bpd for everything, also stop lying for an easy life. Do you not realise that constantly lying, even about things that don't matter makes you inherently untrustworthy.

Dowdachris · 11/07/2023 07:22

I was trying not to think about my wife going out and sleeping with another man. Surfing facebook ran across a thread and sent a friend request. We still had some mutual friends.

OP posts:
Dowdachris · 11/07/2023 07:25

No part of that said or asked if I was right for lying. I know we're my fault lies just asking for some advice. Thanks for understanding. You were a great help

OP posts:
Ilikejamtarts · 11/07/2023 07:34

Is she medicated for her diagnosis', in any kind of talking therapy, and does she accept the diagnosis' she's been given?

Wheezycheezeball · 11/07/2023 07:45

You’re not trusted because you lie. Your partners seemingly irrational behaviour stems from her deep insecurity regarding needing the truth. It’s not hard
to tell the truth. If you’re finding it hard because your behaviour may upset your partner then the problem lies with your behaviour. If you cannot help lying again it’s your problem and something you need to fix.

Her problems will be difficult to live with but how much responsibility do you take for creating the relationship troubles you have? It can’t have been like that from the start.

I’ve lived with a liar partner and it ate away at me bit by bit until I couldn’t trust him on anything and it did start to cause irrational behaviours because it feels like forever being gaslit and you no longer know what is true in life and you start to doubt yourself and your reality.

Think about it. Your version is only one half of the story and you admit you lie so how can we know what the truth is?

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