What was this when I was a child? OCD?

[ThinkingAgainAndAgain]

I’m in my late 40s and have started to think more about my relationship with my parents now and when I was a child.

Nothing awful in my background, loving family, lots of love, enough material things and generally good memories.

But. When I was young, primary school age, I remember going through a phase where I would try and hurt myself. I remember taking a maths compass and using it on the harder skin on soles of my feet to tear the skin. Sometimes it would bleed. I definitely didn’t want it to bleed, and when it did, I’d try and hide it. Except that sometimes the blood would go through my socks and my mum would go nuts, shouting asking me what had happened. I’d fib, saying I’d accidentally walked on something, she’d tell me off for lying, and that was it. Conversation over. I now wonder what was that all about - was I trying to self harm? I have no idea. But neither of my parents seemed to recognise it as that, and didn’t delve into it at all, so maybe it wasn’t.

I used to bite down the skin around my fingernails, they were always bleeding and sore. It was compulsive. I’ve stopped now, but it’s been a struggle. And I wonder what that was about too - was it anxiety? Self harm? Some kind of OCD? Again, it never seemed to be anything my parents paid much attention to, it was something they just saw and accepted that I did.

I’m struggling to think that I’d do similar if I realised that my DC were doing the same thing. But maybe this was an accepted way of parenting in the 1980s? When everyone knew less and didn’t question as much. My parents weren’t bad parents at all, they really tried, but I can’t get my head around it.

I did both these things too. I still do but try to and I am 40, and otherwise normal !

I think your mother going nuts at you when you were injured instead of showing concern is a sign that all was not right with your childhood. It sounds like you were in desperate need of the right kind of attention. 💔

This is quite a lot to think about, I’ve never thought of my childhood like that at all. And I don’t think anyone who knew me or my family as a child would ever have thought this. I just don’t know what to think.

I did (do) both these things but mine is a sypmtom of my adhd. It's a comfort thing I do it without even really noticing.

I pick and bite the skin around my fingers all the time, but I always have. I’ve stopped now but it was a huge struggle to stop. I’ve never considered ADHD, and nobody has ever suggested it, I will have a think about it.