Relationship in my teens (trigger warning rape)

[Flowersandflamingos]

I had a relationship in my teens that resulted in the conception of my DS who is now in his 20s. DS did not see his Dad growing up and only recently got back in touch with him.

My DH has been his Dad since he was 1 and there are no issues there. We all acknowledge he is not his biological Dad but as a family unit we are very happy. Biological Dad decided not to be present of his own choosing, door was always open and relationship was maintained with paternal grandparents.

Recently, I have begun to realise the relationship with the biological Dad was abusive. I was 5 years younger and was fairly naive. I had buried this because the pregnancy was traumatic due to my age at the time and my parents reaction. Recently it has been affecting my sex life and I have had flashbacks to the relationship. My DH knows there is a problem but thinks it is due to my age rather than the relationship. Basically there were times when I asked him to stop and he wouldn’t. This definitely resulted in the pregnancy. I feel a lot of shame about this and was ‘blamed’ for not preventing the pregnancy. Nobody knows the truth.

I’m just not sure what to do about it. I don’t want to report it, I never want DS to know so that is not an option. But clearly it’s bothering me. Has anyone experienced historical SA re traumatising them and what did you do? Is this really rape? I feel so confused. I don’t really want to tell DH as I’m sure he will be heartbroken and angry at DS dad.

Anyone??

Hello,

Sorry didn’t want to read and run.

Im afraid I don’t have any personal experience of this, or professional experience of this either, but I just wanted to say, I’m so sorry to hear about your experience. I read your story and I hear you. And I’m sure your case isn’t unusual so there will probably be other posters that have been through similar with sound advice.

I was struggling earlier in the year and I found Talking Therapies as provided by the NHS to be very helpful(it was just a short course). There is also BetterHelp that might be more immediate and convenient. Those are just two option.

What about writing your abuser/ex a letter with everything you want to say to him, to exorcise your demons about what happened and how his horrible behaviour has impacted you. Not sure if you should send it to him, might be better to burn it, but it might help?

Take care of yourself and your little one xx

I’m so sorry to hear this OP.
Trauma can lurk under the surface for as long as it takes for you to be strong enough to address.
I had the same happen. My ex husband wouldn’t stop when I said ‘no’. This happened years ago, but only lately has it started to bother me.
Yes, I think this is rape. Perhaps get some therapy and try to talk to your husband.
Best of luck 💐

Thanks so much for the replies I already feel like I could tell my DH in the future having had you validate my feelings about the situation.

Yes I’ve been through similar, I was 18 he was much older. No pregnancy though.

The trauma can suddenly creep up on you if you’ve not delt with it. A traumatic birth 15 years later triggered it for me, though sometimes I don’t think you have a specific trigger but realising what happened was wrong and not you fault will definitely bring up the emotions.

I highly recommend booking a few sessions with a therapist to talk it through. It’s been very helpful. And no it wasn’t your fault.

I’m definitely going to look into this, did you go to someone with a specific interest in this area?