Be firm but fair. Marriage advice.

[onthebrink23]

First time post- be firm but fair.
Been with my husband 20yrs, great kids, great house, good jobs. He's been ill for last few years - breakdown but nearly 5 years on, he's still so distant/ mean/ exhausting. He's an awful partner, an ok dad. Do I keep being patient/ understanding/ wait for him to get better? Or do I put an end to this as I'm so miserable & deserve some TLC too. Not yet 40, but just so tired of being the hired help/ counsellor/ emotional punch bag & just feeling generally unloved. What would you do?

We get one life, we need to be confident the choices we make are the best ones we can make at the time. If you aren’t happy and can’t see that changing then I think leaving is probably best.

@wonderstuff helpful & fair. Bloody scary. All I've known/ kids/ money to worry about... but feel like I'm stuck waiting & know they'll be happy if I am. Thank you.

You will end up unwell yourself.
This is the only life you are going to get. Don’t let him trample all over it.

If your child was in a relationship like this, how would you feel?

you are someone’s child too

I've been in a similar boat OP. I am in the process of separation. Look realistically at your financial situation and decide from there. Get the ducks in a row so to speak.

I have been fortunate in that our separation means minimal disruption to the DC lives. They remain in the family home, finances will remain similar etc. STBXH and I have been too scared to separate for about 4 years. But now we are making a start, it is a massive and huge relief. I already feel lighter and free (and he only left at the weekend!).

@3luckystars I know what I think I want but petrified. Hate thinking my kids think this is ok. Luckily it's made us closer. Our parents know what he's like & seem to think it's fine/ eye roll & leave him to it- exactly what I do no matter how awful he is... need to find my backbone!! Thank you.

Marriage/LTRs shouldn’t be a a prison sentence. You only get one life, you are allowed to leave and be happy.

@Chewbaccaslime congratulations! So happy you feel relieved. I only work PT in a great career but only pays half compared to his salary. I definitely couldn't afford to stay in our home, but yes, I think I need to get expert advice. Even this makes me feel sick. I don't have actual access to our money.... I know-it gets worse. Loads of lush! Well done. Thanks for being inspiring for this stranger.

You have a back bone. You have everything you need.

Thank you @TwilightSkies . I know I'd say that to any friend; I don't know why I think it's ok for me. Definitely true. Guess it feels like a failure... or he's I'll and not his fault... what if he gets better....?!

@3luckystars have screenshot that as a reminder. Thanks so much.

How much of this is due to a breakdown against him actually being an abusive arse?. He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry.

Were/are your own parents like your husband?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. You met this man when you were in your early 20s and I would think he targeted you deliberately as well to exploit and use.

If you do not have any actual access to money you’re being financially abused as well. Your relationship with him is an abusive one and therefore over. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Plan your exit with due care and seek help from your Solicitor ad well as Women’s Aid.

Lots about him here OP.

do YOU love him?

He does this because he can and he has learnt that this works for him. You’ve been waiting a long time already for he to get better but this is who he really is.

Divorce is not failure op, living in such unhappiness is. I would also think that one or two people in your social circle have their own private based suspicions about your husband. I would urge to rebuild your life without him in it day to day.

Divorce isn't a tragedy, but spending your one short and precious life with a distant mean awful partner modelling being someone's unloved hired help/ counsellor/ emotional punch bag to your kids is a shit way to spend it.

You lot are amazing. My support network know most of this but also wouldn't want to force me to do anything either. I guess it's a "not my business" thing/ don't want to add to my stress. I do love him but I used to be besotted & forgive (and literally blank out) everything- now I can't/ there are no highs to balance it out. He's not an awful person- very steady, good provider, very practical, just lost & doesn't seem to have any room to consider me anymore. Not sure if I'm being selfish. I was bought up by just my mum so know a strong woman, but didn't want that for mine/ don't want to go backwards or cause "trauma" to mine. I know it's worse to stay/trauma caused by a messy breakup but know he won't let this be easy either. Want a magic wand (and money pit!). Reaching out is my first step closer to making it real. I do appreciate these replies. I know I can't keep making excuses either. Why is it so scary?!

It's scary because we're wired (particularly women) to shun change providing we're fed and housed.

But...it sounds as though neither of you are happy. You aren't, and your description isn't of a man living his best life either.

@Paperbagsaremine I think he'd be happier single. I think he feels forced into this "stereotypical" life too. (I think this is why he's so poorly/ mean, but I'm no psychologist). I like it! (The 2.4 kids life- not the treatment.) I'm grateful! But I don't want to settle & be sad either. Wish we were taught how to get out of relationships, not just how to get into them.

Do your research about what you would be entitled to, what your income could afford in your area etc. That was an eye opener for me 4 years ago. I knew then I could manage alone. Wish I never hung on now knowing what I know!

I know I am fortunate in that STBXH is playing fair, doing and paying his share and we are both focused on the children as THE priority. I know plenty men don't do this. So you need to work on the assumption your DH will be a bastard and be pleasantly surprised but cautious if he is not.

But get a plan in place. Even if you never use it. Even if you don't use it for another four years. Keep it there just in case.

Oh god, I really feel for you and relate so much to feeling like the hired help/ counsellor/punchbag. It's such a difficult situation, and you have been in it for almost 5 years. My DH is also at home, unwell with a breakdown - he's been off work for a few months, but to be honest his awful behaviour and spiralling mental health has been going on for years.

I alternate between feeling I will stay because of all the advantages (children having a stable home, both parents together, financial stability etc) to feeling totally desperate and feeling I have to leave. Constantly researching benefits information, divorce lawyers, looking up properties that I could afford etc. I feel exhausted from it all.

Is your DH ever nice to you or is his behaviour always difficult? My DH is usually disengaged/ moody/ depressed/self absorbed but then sometimes tries to make an effort and tries to be kind or engage with the children and I. He has even acknowledged at times that his behaviour must be difficult for me. The problem is that him being "nice" or self aware is only about 10% of the time. It would almost be easier if he was never nice and then the situation would be more clear. This way I just feel so conflicted as I sometimes see the man I love/loved, but usually it's an angry stranger. It just feels like death by a thousand cuts.

@Candyorange I feel I could have written your post. Not awful 100% of the time. I'll get glimmers of a sorry/ thanks for supporting me, then blamed for his feelings/ what meds he's on or not on etc. If he remembers I exist...
Sorry you're in the same leaky boat. Time to start making an escape plan for me. I'm annoyed it's got this far, and scared of the hurt but also excited to maybe feel some relief & gain some self worth again.
I hope you find the right path for you! Let me know!

@Chewbaccaslime such helpful, practical advice. I promise I'm listening and going to make a plan. Win win if I suddenly don't need it because it's all better (one can still dream!). Thank you for this gentle kick in the right direction.