Dp going into business with someone who is rude to me

[Bringonthesunforthewashing]

Been together 17 years.

Dps best friend from school who he runs into maybe once a year has set up a business.

He has asked him to go work for him.

Dps friend has always disliked me, I have no idea why, I have always been friendly even when he has been rude to me. He doesn’t make eye contact and ignores me.

Dp knows his friend is rude. He sees a business opportunity and wants to go for it.

I am probably being irrational, but I find this really hurtful. To add, this business venture sounds a waste of time to me!!!

How do I make him understand it’s a flipping dream?! I have explained all, his response is he needs a change, opportunity to grow, but would never do anything without me being happy about it.

I just feel so demoralised by it. So flat. Even if it was a good business opportunity - which it isn’t, I feel like screaming exactly what has been said here, how disrespectful to me you are even considering it’.

is he normally easily impressed by people? Because from the outside perspective it sounds like he is sort of glamourising his friend, and the friend seems to be nothing but "get rich quick scammer" who gave up on his business at first sign of issues.

I get being caught up in a dream, but maybe pointing out to him that he would be working for someone else's dream and fully dependent on this person's whim would give him a bit of a wake up call

Basically when the bank account is 0

Your partner sounds like he is very easily lead.

This friend doesn't expect any investment from your partner? If you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you.

Are you married? Would your partner expect to use your money?

You make them understand by making an appointment with an accountant. You might need to for the name of a particular type of accountant. Let them go over the books and talk to you and DH about if it’s a good idea or not.

This sort of thing usually goes badly. You need to make absolutely certain that you won’t end up losing everything because of this.

On the plus side you know they won’t be friends for much longer.

Honestly getting a professional going over the books is non negotiable.

You're not married to this man are you? Do you own a house together? Do you have children together? Because I would be very tempted to say to him I wanted complete financial separation and to go 50-50 on all bills. No favours, nothing. But actually I think if he wants to go and mix with someone who is really rude to you and take part in some absolutely ridiculous business idea then he could sling his hook.

We have 3 kids. Own a house together.

what a mess.

Don't waste your time trying to get him to 'see'.

He's said he won't do anything without your agreement. There you go. Don't feel bad about it now - you've tried your best to explain it to him. Don't be manipulated into being the baddie who is stopping his reaching his potential/robbing him of an opportunity/once in a lifetime opportunity etc etc etc.

Just say to him that you are glad you are both in the same page in terms of needing to agree over such important matters and leave it at that.

If I mentioned going to an accountant he would think I was totally overreacting, after all they are ‘friends’..

your DPs and your finances are tied. His friend is clearly not your friend. You have no reason to trust him and all the reasons to take issue with this "business plan" they have created.

Even if he thinks you're overreacting, it makes financial sense to speak to an accountant. In fact, he should have thought about it himself. The fact that he didn't only proves he has no clue what he is actually doing.

I’m sorry you have to insist. If he won’t then you need to take steps to protect your half of the house. You could potentially lose your house over this. If he is that stupid you have to protect yourself and the kids.

You might have to be the bad guy in this.

If he is really this stupid, and if your money is in a joint account with his, first thing tomorrow, withdraw your money and open an account he can't access. I am totally serious.

the friend doesn't respect your husband and by extension he doesn't like or respect you , so its not actually about you personally
hes most likely using your husband in some way , im guessing financially
the business plan probably isnt even legit, its just a cover to extort money

I don't understand why this wasn't dealt with from the start or even a short time after he met you. Why wouldn't your husband ask him what the problem is with you?

Why wouldn't you ask him why?

The mind boggles that it could have been over something easily sorted out then but now over 17 years have gone by?!

As for your current dilemma your husband would be foolish to give a reliable income for what sounds like a pipe dream and working FOR his old chum.

That's a recipe for disaster.

He's clearly not listening to you, so get him to book to see a business advisor of some sort and go with him, let them try to knock some sense into him. He thinks it's overkill? Humor him, it may well be but there's a lot at stake with the kids and the mortgage and you want this for you to be able to back him 100%.

Why would anyone go into business with someone who can't communicate decently with other people?

People who treat other people like they are beneath them are usually awful narcissists. Amd you do not want to go into business with a narcissist.

How are you going to pay the bills when this "friend" lets him down? Being rude to you & your partner ignoring it really isn't on. But facing it all the time may open his eyes.

Is there the possibility that he can "dip his toe in the water" before fully diving in? Go part time whilst still doing his current work? Not a total disaster then when it doesn't work out.

You could frame it as a bit of a taster session for a year before fully commiting. If it dives during that year while he's part time then he gave it a go but hasn't lost his current income.

You need to speak to a solicitor too. They need to check the contract being offered and the structure of the company. They can advise you how best to protect your assets.
You can't make your DH 'see' anything and there's no point getting emotional about it. It's a business and financial decision. Research it properly with the relevant professionals ie lawyer, business advisor/accountant.
Your DH doesn't think his friend's attitude to you is a reason to cut ties. You should have dealt with that the first time it happened. For your DH, your dislike of his friend is probably clouding your valid reasons against this business partnership.

So despite having children together, and a house it looks like you are not in an equal partnership. You do not have equal say in financial decisions. That is what feels so disrespectful- that he feels entitled to override your opinions. I would think in a parnership there is veto power if both people are not supportive of investing what is family money, time or resources into a financial investment, particularly if there is a strong objection from one member of the partnership. Perhaps your partner can invest his own personal time/money that would not otherwise be necessary to support the family, but decisions about share family resources ought to be made by the partnership.

A family is a joint venture but your partner does not consider you his equal partner on this matter. And maybe others too?

It would need to be a limited company if he's a director otherwise he could have personal liability for company debts. Not suggesting you say this OP, but if he does push ahead and you don't feel like this is a complete deal breaker you could say he needs to get something like the above and it needs to be a limited company or could he do his current work part time and work for friend part time? This doesn't solve the personal and very relevant issue of him working with a person who is nasty to you, but may give some financial security while he realises he's messed up and made the wrong decision

So when he says 'but I would never want to do anything you weren't happy about' you say 'well I'm not happy no, your 'friend' is disrespectful to me and I don't have faith in the business model, so where does that leave us?' Throw it back to him, what's his solution? He can either go for the business or he can have a happy wife, he can't have both and that's not your problem to solve. What he wants is for you to give him the go-ahead and pretend you're happy about it so you need to make it clear he can't have both.

This so called business has no track record and it seems that your DH is so infatuated this friend that he is willing to pay for this friendship by giving up his job, investing all of his working hours and effort and by allowing you to be ignored and disrespected. This raises questions about is own self-worth as well as the lack of value he is placing on your relationship. Ask him WTAF is going on.

I'm just wondering if your husband idolises this friend and the friend doesn't necessarily see your husband in the same light. He perhaps sees him as someone he had a good influence over?

I'm also considering does your husband usually get carried away with big ideas without really thinking things through? Is this a pattern of behaviour.

He is clearly clinging on to this idea and so wrapped up in it he is going to struggle to let go of it but he will.

He may not like it at first but once he finds something else to set his attention to he will soon get over it even if he still remember ls from time to time. I think that is the key. Stay firm and once he is ready gradually try and find other opportunity he can cling on to.

Also, naturally you are feeling angry and the whole situation is creating distance already. Try to be the bigger person, put on a brave face and try and have some couple time where he can be reminded of how wonderful being loved up in a relationship is. Kill him with kindness so he doesn't want to upset you. Too much arguing and friction and he might just keep pushing and be less bothered about hurting you. Do stay firm though in your decision.

I don’t think you can control this. Why not just let him do it and say ok fine but that he needs to put X amount into the household finances each month?

Then if he can’t come up with that figure then you would have more leverage.

OP, I work in finance, and I'm sitting here screaming inside. This has 'rip off and leave the patsy holding the financial can' written all over it and your husband can't see it.