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Relationships

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As a 45-50 yr old, what are your expectations esp at the beginning of a relationship ?

18 replies

itsonlyacabinet · 10/07/2023 16:59

I ask as a separated mother of three teens who has begun dating a man of the same age and stage but who lives an hour away ?
My marriage was deeply unhappy and I was disrespected for years .
I've done the work but it's the beginning so I'm interested to know what's acceptable and expected for you?
Thanks

OP posts:
itsonlyacabinet · 10/07/2023 17:21

Shameful bump !!!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 10/07/2023 17:24

What’s acceptable to you? You set your own boundaries op. What do you want from a relationship?

Seaoftroubles · 10/07/2023 17:37

Decide what you want in the relationship ship and stick to it. As a starting point Respect obviously, after that you decide, and keep your bar high.

EBearhug · 10/07/2023 17:46

What's his situation? Does he have children? Does he work shifts or weekends?

Firstly you need to look at what works for you. I made a rule for myself when starting OLD that existing activities and friends came first, because they'll probably outlast any relationship, and exercise is important.

I assume three teens means at least one of them is younger, so you probably have logistical issues about childcare/lifts to activities and so on. That may mean it really reduces your options for doing overnights together, especially if he also has children. And how established should you be before introducing new partners to children?

Your and his work could restrict things further - what free time do you actually have together? Do you have to work in a specific workplace, or can you WFH, be it your or his? An hour's travel on top of a long work day could mean you can only do weekends only.

And then there are expectations around sex. Men at this age are not as ever-ready as they were in their 20s, and some need Viagra (not all, though.) If they or you are not that fit or flexible, it will restrict the positions you can manage. You might be going through an early peri stage of wanting sex all the time, or you might be not that bothered at all. You should consider STIs, even if you're post-menopausal, and if you're not, you need to consider contraception against pregnancy as well. IME of an active year of OLD, despite the fact we all grew up with the AIDS epidemic, men will not mention any of this at all unless you do, and will assume they can fuck with nothing in place unless you bring it up. It did not surprise me in the news to hear stats for gonorrhoea and syphilis have gone up.

And then don't assume you're exclusive unless you've had that conversation. It's not like when we were teens and if you were going out with one person, anyone else would be two-timing. In early dating these days, it needs to be overtly discussed, not assumed.

But you need to work out your boundaries for yourself.

itsonlyacabinet · 10/07/2023 18:09

Thanks .
I know I wan equality in every way but he has a lot going on right now.
For example, we can potentially see each other on two days this week as ee are both busy generally.
He told me that he intends to meet his hobby group on one of the evenings and has to work the other.
That smacks of disinterest as he has plenty of free time to meet his hobby group . Also we could have also met during the day but no suggestions, initiative, forthcoming despite ' saying' he wanted to meet . His actions this week are not matching his words and that's one of the major lessons I've decided to bring into any future relationships.
I'm easy going generally but t I did expect a little more.
Isn't it at the beginning that a new couple should really try to meet and prioritise in free time , when possible ?
We won't be in a position to meet for another week .

OP posts:
Tresto · 10/07/2023 18:30

Have you said No to him yet? How did he react?

Have you asked him straight out did he cheat/physically or emotionally on his ex wife/partner?

Does he have children? Do they enjoy spending time with him?

Meeting up - is this a one off? Did you make the last suggestion to meet? If so Just get on with your own thing and let him chase you for a meet up. Keep dating if you are not sure. And don’t assume they are off dating sites unless you have explicitly discussed it.

altmember · 10/07/2023 19:25

My advice would be to not get too serious but still aim for exclusivity. You've probably both got busy lives so trying to align or merge them will be a major challenge. If you only get to see each other a couple of times a month then so be it.

I've been with my DP for 5 years, although the first two were no commitment/casual (their idea rather than mine). We only live 10 miles apart, but our kids are younger (9 to 14) so we only usually get to see each other one a fortnight. It's frustrating, but it also keeps things fresh and having our own space is great. You might have more opportunities with your kids being a little older.

Our households and finances are completely independent of each others and there's no realistic prospect of that changing before the kids reach adulthood. Blending families certainly wouldn't work for us.

Oopsiedaisyy · 10/07/2023 20:21

I'm a divorced woman of 48 with two youngish children and 50% of my week child free. I wanted to find someone whose company I enjoyed, someone who had similar interests to me with understanding that I can't be free to meet up all the time.

I wanted someone with a high sex drive who wasn't too vanilla, with a sense of humour. No real expectations about seriousness.

TwoBoysTooMany76 · 10/07/2023 22:22

@itsonlyacabinet How did you meet? How long have you been dating for? I think when you are both in your late 40s with full lives, it‘a very difficult in the beginning to ‘align’ while you are learning about each other and each other’s habits…

Dillydollydingdong · 10/07/2023 22:27

I've been with dp for 3 years although we live over 100 miles apart. We're exclusive but happy to live apart. We see each other for 4 days then apart for about ten. It means the 4 days are special.

itsonlyacabinet · 10/07/2023 22:31

We are together a few months .
He has so much going on with family illness , kids, housing problems, ex problems , I've actually just called it off. It's too overwhelming for Me and all of his issues have completely taken their vet what was meant to be fun and easy.
We will remain friends. I deserve better. He agrees. It's all too much but we will remain friends and in touch .
Think I've done the right thing. It was becoming draining and boring.

OP posts:
TwoBoysTooMany76 · 10/07/2023 22:38

@itsonlyacabinet Sorry to hear but good on you for calling it off if it’s not working for you. Take care. 💐

itsonlyacabinet · 10/07/2023 22:41

He is s the loveliest of men but cannot give anything at the moment for very good reason. He felt awful for me as he felt he couldn't give anything worth talking about to the relationship and was genuine about that.
Maybe someday... when everything dies down ...

OP posts:
Symphony830 · 10/07/2023 22:45

I think calling it off was a good call on your part. It looks like you will no longer accept limiting relationships - proof that you’ve grown since exiting your toxic marriage.

Personally, I wouldn’t maintain any kind of friendship with him: you run the risk of being used as a free counsellor (my experience).

I wish you luck in your search for love.

itsonlyacabinet · 10/07/2023 22:46

Thank you. That means a lot as I m always looking for signs that I'm growing rather than seeking out the same old shite again.

OP posts:
Destash784Decisions · 11/07/2023 00:33

I think it is good to be friends first

Share some quality time together

Good communication

Do things together like; walks, cinema, concerts, music, eat out, hobbies, days out, whatever you enjoy, perhaps try something new

Have FUN, laugh together !

Enjoy

Then move onto meeting friends, family, children, pets holidays

However, nobody is perfect & you may need to kiss a few 🐸 frogs before you find the right person

itsonlyacabinet · 11/07/2023 10:22

Would you still give this advice even when I've finished it ?
Timing is all wrong at present

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 11/07/2023 10:29

good to call it off. I started dating someone late last year - it was a lot of fun, but he is a single parent with 100% custody. We called it off for a while until he’s got some time, until his ex steps up and starts having the kids. Hard as I liked him a lot, but we are at different stages, my kids are grown up and I’ve got a lot of free time, he’s got none! We are still in touch but not seen him for a few months now. It would be nice if we could get together properly but I’m not holding my breath and getting on with my life

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