How would you feel about this?

[BreehyHinnyBrinnyHoohyHah]

DH has a female colleague that he works closely with. 10 years younger, pretty, etc etc.

She actually works in a different office but because they work on the same projects and their job involves travel around the country, they regularly go away for one or two nights together to work on something. Think once or twice a month.

At the moment, I have no reason to suspect that anything is going on between them. I do suspect that DH may have a little bit of a crush, in that he has talked about her in a way that has set my spidey senses tingling. Nothing implicit, just the way he has talked about her I suppose. She also has a partner. Not sure if married. I've heard them on the phone when DH works from home and they definitely have a friendship beyond a standard professional relationship.

However, in October, the pair of them are due to travel abroad. There are two different things they need to attend in different parts of the same country. As a result, they will be away together for almost two weeks, and have a few days in between the two events. So they will essentially be having a mini break together.

I won't be able to join them for the days in between because it's long haul and would involve taking the kids out of school, plus I'm not sure we can afford the flights (company will pay for DH).

How would you feel about this if you were in my shoes? I'm trying to process my thoughts beyond my initial gut reaction that this could potentially be a disaster for our marriage.

Seriously I would not be happy with this.

Goes beyond a professional relationship, I could be like you say a disaster for your marriage.

I honestly think it comes down to trust. They're not sharing a room. There's no need to be drinking cocktails staring into each others eyes. I'd be jealous he's getting a lovely trip but I wouldn't assume it means they'll fall into bed together.

You say he's got a bit of a crush, she's young and pretty. Two weeks of each other might well kill that!! And how hot is HE? Would he actually be attractive to a young, pretty woman, objectively?

But of course you can demand if he goes he never comes back, you're fully entitled to your boundaries

I would feel the same as you, OP. It’s a horrible position to be in.

Can you talk to him about your worries?

I really feel for you, I can imagine how tough this feels.

I’ve been that woman too, I work in a man’s world and have often travelled abroad with just one other man, there’s 2 that spring to mind that I had good friendships with as well, both were married in long term relationships with children.

I'm aware neither their partners were happy about it, but tbh there wasn’t a lot I could do about it.

yes we did become much closer on the trips, you do whenever you travel with friends - it’s make or break really!

I think it just boils down to if both parties are the cheating type or not. I would say if either party cheats, then it’s something that would have happened sooner or later given the opportunity?

Sorry not much consolation other than you just have to trust your partner and see what happens.

I trust DH. But I don't trust the situation he is putting himself in, if that makes sense?

If I were to write a novel about how an affair started, this would be pretty clichéd.

I would absolutely 100% not be happy with this either. I totally understand where you’re coming from

It would be a total no from me. I trust DP implicitly and he does work away a week a month but never with other people and certainly not with his female colleagues. Theres trust and there is stupidity in my opinion.

Similar situation here. I don’t like it and get jealous but then feel guilty. Nice to see others also wouldn’t like it.

It does sound awkward but how can men and women works together when these problems arise?

I've spent a lot of time travelling internationally with male colleagues. We have done day trips and other tourist activities, eaten dinner together every evening and gone out drinking together. There has never been any inappropriate behaviour on my part or on theirs, just friendship.

He’s not putting himself in the situation though is he? It’s a work trip.

honestly, you either trust him or you don’t. Is there another reason why you don’t feel your marriage is secure enough to survive a work trip? How is your relationship otherwise?

the feeling from this thread and previous posts is that men literally cannot be trusted not to cheat and the only reason they haven’t is that the opportunity hasn’t presented. Sounds thoroughly depressing.

I wouldn't be happy with this, especially as you mention he has a bit of a crush and you suspect a friendship that goes beyond a 'standard professional one'. You will spend the whole time they are away stressing!

What do you want your husband to do? Tell work he can't go as his wife is worried that he will cheat?

Noone here can tell you if an affair is or isnt on the cards.

I can say from experience I work in a company where regular long haul traval happens and there are some people who have very friendly relationships.

In my 5 years with the company the only cheating that has happened (that was found out, and it's the sort of place where it would come out) was by a guy who cheated on his fiance with anything he could, usually outside of work, thankfully!

I have a number of older male colleagues who I have jokey sibling like relationships with. Quite frankly, I wouldnt shag them if I was single and stuck alone with them in a post apocalyptic world.

My DH works in an industry where affairs are rife. I can think of 5 in his small business alone in 5 years. No travel though.

If my DH started suggesting I curtail my travel because of his jealousy then our marriage would be over. Just as it would be over if I started suggesting his every late finish was him getting his leg over.

Either you trust your DH or you don't.

There is not point in touturing yourself with the 'what if'

I’ve worked and travelled abroad for work.

He isn’t CHOOSING to spend those 2 weeks with her. He us doing whatever his company is telling him to do.
He isn’t having a mini break with his colleague. He is staying over the week-end because he has no choice.

Most people I’ve worked with who are travelling long haul etc..l dont particularly enjoy staying over at the WE. A week travel is tiring. Adding a WE and then another week is knackering. Oh it always looks so nice when you first book. You earn pretty quickly it’s not like going away on hols. And the downsides win over the upsides.

Which means that reason you see things like this is because you don’t trust him. You don’t trust him to not have an affair when it will be so easy to do so.
You don’t even trust that between now and October (4 months away!) you can have a conversation with him, share your worries and for him to establish boundaries with her.

Abd that’s your issue. Not the trip. But your ability to talk about those worries together as a couple. The ability to find a solution and fir your DH to behave properly.
It’s not a question of ‘accepting him travelling with her’ because of he wants to have an affair, he will, travel or not.

Sorry, I should clarify. When I say "putting himself in" it's because he is the company director and is choosing to take this trip. He is not being ordered by anyone to do so. One event is essential for the business, but the other is a "nice to attend glitzy event" but not essential.

I do appreciate all the advice so far. There are lots of differing voices which are helping me to see things from different perspectives.