Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Can you be friends with someone you used to be FWB with?

20 replies

loveacuddle1 · 09/07/2023 23:07

Just that really.

I have an ex-Fwb, I’ve posted about before. It all ended 3 months ago. We did really get on before it ended but I developed feelings etc, so started becoming upset that he couldn’t/ wouldn’t give me more of his time. I bumped into him last week (after 3 months of no contact) and we had a lovely chat and I realised I do miss him as a friend. It didn’t feel awkward, just nice. Nothing was mentioned about Fwb sort of stuff, just what’s going on in general life!

Has anyone managed to just be friends? I’m interested in other people’s experiences?

OP posts:

SoWhatEh · 09/07/2023 23:20

I've just been at a party where the hostess invited her previous FWB. They've been friends without benefits now for ages but started out as FWB until they met their current partners.

SilkTrees · 09/07/2023 23:23

Absolutely possible in the abstract, but I think in your circumstances, having ended the FWB situation because you'd developed feelings for him, I'd steer strictly clear.

Original poster

loveacuddle1 · 09/07/2023 23:33

I would love to keep him in my life.
but I know if I found out he was seeing someone else I’d feel completely rubbish, at least now anyway

OP posts:

Rockofages3 · 09/07/2023 23:51

Unspoken jealousy, competitiveness, and passive aggressiveness became a problem in these situations. I would focus on friends you don’t have a sexual history with… why bring pain and drama into your life?

UndercoverCop · 09/07/2023 23:55

I think if it's genuinely just FWB yes, but you developed feelings so it's different.
DH and I were friends for more than a decade before anything other than a 16 year old kiss we never spoke of again happened. Things then started in a blurry way , as it does when you're friends and then cross a line, it's not like oh this is date one, two etc. Clearly things panned out for us, and we went from fwb to more, but if it hadn't I don't think I'd be inviting him and his wife round for dinner!

supercali77 · 10/07/2023 00:03

loveacuddle1 · 09/07/2023 23:33

I would love to keep him in my life.
but I know if I found out he was seeing someone else I’d feel completely rubbish, at least now anyway

Its just setting yourself up for future pain. If you really dgaf whether he meets someone then friendship is possible. Otherwise its a one sided romance.

Whattodowithit88 · 10/07/2023 00:04

Don’t do it!!

EBearhug · 10/07/2023 00:22

loveacuddle1 · 09/07/2023 23:33

I would love to keep him in my life.
but I know if I found out he was seeing someone else I’d feel completely rubbish, at least now anyway

<checks contacts list>
You can do it - but only if you'd be happy seeing them with others. If it's going to cause you pain, it probably won't work.

(Were I ever to marry, I intend to invite them all...)

Dery · 10/07/2023 00:33

“I would love to keep him in my life.
but I know if I found out he was seeing someone else I’d feel completely rubbish, at least now anyway”

In that case, then no, you can’t be friends. Not for now. You want more than he’s offering and having him in your life will just remind you of what you can’t have. You need to be a bit more clued in from a self-preservation perspective. It doesn’t preclude you being friends in the future, once you’re over him, but for now, it will just keep re-opening your wound.

readbooksdrinktea · 10/07/2023 00:37

SilkTrees · 09/07/2023 23:23

Absolutely possible in the abstract, but I think in your circumstances, having ended the FWB situation because you'd developed feelings for him, I'd steer strictly clear.

Agree with this. Save yourself the pain.

Hiddenvoice · 10/07/2023 00:45

I would say yes if no feelings were previously involved but since you said you’d feel hurt to know he was seeing someone then it’s probably best to leave it as it is.
I say this with experience. I had a friend who moved into fwb. I developed feelings and he sort of did but didn’t want it to lead anywhere. We stayed friends for a long while but then he started dating someone and it became a little awkward as he told her our history. She didn’t like us hanging around together which was fair enough and I didn’t really like seeing them together so I quietly faded out of his life. I see him around every now and then and say hi and have a little chat but it ends there.

MumGMT · 10/07/2023 01:24

loveacuddle1 · 09/07/2023 23:33

I would love to keep him in my life.
but I know if I found out he was seeing someone else I’d feel completely rubbish, at least now anyway

Then no, it's just not worth the risk.

You've already been through the hard part and it's a few months down the line. You don't want to have to deal with any of those emotions again.

I just read your previous post about him and he sounds like a headwreck and a gaslighter too.

You thought you were seeing each other, when you felt he was losing interest and spoke to him about it that's when he said you were only FWB.

You ended it and then he reached out and he was trying to have sex again.

He will do the same again. He's not your friend.

guineacup · 10/07/2023 07:12

This is yet another thread that shows that FWBs aren't what they purport to be and just don't work in most cases.

If this guy was genuinely a FWB, then they'd be no problem. The fact that it may cause heartache and grief, shows that what you had was more than a FWB, but you never admitted to yourselves or each other.

The whole FWB trend is part of a "have cake and eat it" attitude to relationships that doesn't really work.

Seaoftroubles · 10/07/2023 09:31

Definitely not O.P as you admit you still have feelings for him. It would only work if you were completely over him which you're not.

Frankola · 10/07/2023 09:34

It wasn't just FWB though was it? You developed feelings for him.

I have a couple of friends I have been "close" to 🤣 and it's strictly platonic now. I didn't have feelings for those blokes though.

Ilikejamtarts · 10/07/2023 12:30

I have done it. 10 years later we are still great friends and chat almost everyday. We both developed feelings and that's where we decided to finish the FWB due to some issues. Took a break from each other to move on from our feelings and then here we are today still great friends and no hurt feelings 😊

Original poster

loveacuddle1 · 11/07/2023 07:21

Thank you everyone for your replies.
He has texted me a few times over the last few days suggesting that he is keen to keep in touch.
The summer will provide us a natural break though. I’m very unlikely to see him
or bump into him anywhere what with going away and looking after my children etc.
If I’m being honest, I do still have feelings for him, I grew very fond of him when we were “together” and I need to get over this before even contemplating the idea of “just friends”.

OP posts:

MumGMT · 11/07/2023 15:01

He has texted me a few times over the last few days suggesting that he is keen to keep in touch.

I guarantee that if you do it won't be long before he's talking about sex again which will make you feel shit. These men are so obvious and predictable.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 11/07/2023 15:07

I don't think this is good for you really. You've already said you'd be jealous if he said he was seeing anyone so. I think you're just opening yourself up to getting hurt again in the hope he starts to feel more for you.

You need to both be on the same page really and I think you're in entirely different chapters!!

mrssanchez · 11/07/2023 15:26

Why not? I remained good friends with my main one until a new partner of his got funny about it.

We live very close to DH's old fuckbuddy, I really her tbh!

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread