When did you stop loving the person who left you for another?

Hiddenvoice · 09/07/2023 21:19

12 weeks isn’t a long time really so it’s bound to still be painful and raw. I think you need to have some distance to help protect yourself and start to move on.
You need to remind yourself that dw isnt dw anymore. She’s a person who upped and left. She didn’t want to fight for your family and your love, she wanted to go. You deserve so much better than that!

You say you see each other daily because of the children, is there a way to stop this? Maybe children stay with her so many days and you the rest? Or if she’s coming over just to see them then are there any family or friends who could be there instead of you?

I would tell your friends to stop updating you on what they are doing, you don’t need to hear it.

It’s going to take time to fall out of love with her but soon anger will start to take over and you’ll feel angry for what she’s done to you and your family. You and your children don’t need this, you don’t deserve to be treated that badly!

Original poster

Elektra1 · 09/07/2023 23:11

Thank you @Hiddenvoice. DC is only 4 and does want to see DW as before so I can't really prevent that (wouldn't want to). No family nearby so I have to facilitate it for DC's sake.

It's very hard. With encouragement from friends I did go "out out" recently and was quite popular but all I felt was sad. I just want my life back. I know it isn't going to happen but I feel so sad. I've lost my best friend and the person I loved more than anything, and I have to see and hear about her daily out and about with my replacement. I just want to not think of her any more, focus on the life I'll have without her. It feels like an empty void.

OP posts:

Epidote · 09/07/2023 23:23

Give yourself more time.
Love doesn't disappear from a day/week/month to another.
Seems like you did not expect it and probably you are still processing the initial shock.
Took me 6 months to start to be myself again.
Don't rush.
She did not bother about before and she is not going to do it now. She did not respect you before and she is not going to start now. Think about this when you miss her.

Think about you and about you DC. Two and only two priorities. The little one and yourself.
The rest is just noise.

Hiddenvoice · 09/07/2023 23:33

I‘m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s the worst pain, especially as she’s moved on so quickly.
It’s okay to not want to meet others yet, go at your own pace. Going out and just having a break and fun night out is a great idea but you don’t need to follow it through with meeting someone. When you’re ready then there’s plenty of time for that.

Focus on you and your child, you’re a great parent putting their needs first. I suggest when the ex comes over you step out the room and do something for you! Take a break, sit down and relax. Why not get out for a little bit and get some fresh air?
You could plan some fun things to do with you and your dc to keep yourself focussed on them rather than on her.

As painful as this is, as horrible as it is to lose your partner and best friend all in one go, it will soon become a blessing. In time you’ll move on, it feels like rock bottom but this is the start of a new, better life for you!

Original poster

Elektra1 · 10/07/2023 14:01

I just wish I could fast forward a year because everything at the moment feels so grim and depressing.

Watching your partner set up a new life with someone else, taking your kid half the time as well, is the worst.

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pocketshelled · 10/07/2023 14:15

Yes but that someone else has a new partner who thinks nothing of building a life and then upending it on a whim for the next shiny toy who happens to wander past so don't be envious of that!

Try to be glad no more of your time will be wasted on someone so careless of you, you are worth far more than someone like that. It is early days in a big adjustment for you and a lot to get your head around, be blunt with your friends. Anytime they bring it up say "I don't want to hear that" or "not interested" and then change the subject.

One thing that may help short term is to write a list of all the crappy things your ex did/said/made you feel and have a look at it any time you feel lonely.

It's horrible but it will get better, focus on being the best parent you can be and pretty soon things will be easier.

Original poster

Elektra1 · 10/07/2023 19:04

Like the idea of the "bad things she said to me" list. I can also add: not having to deal with constant hypochondria, not having to cook every meal any more, not feeling resentful about getting up early with DC EVERY morning while she lay in bed. I mean, I am still getting up but at least it's not in the knowledge that someone else is lying in bed for an extra hour or two.

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Epidote · 11/07/2023 06:16

You still wake up early now, one day you will do like me and you will go back to bed to get those extra two hours.

Time is a healer, give yourself all the time you need and remember the fact that she is not the nice person you thought she was and you deserve better.

Oblomov23 · 11/07/2023 06:45

Why do you have such an idealised view of her? Why are you putting her on a pedestal? She's actually not a very nice person really, she hasn't shown care for you. Because if she did she would be there fighting for your marriage. Your view of her is not realistic, she's not that nice a person.

Original poster

Elektra1 · 11/07/2023 15:28

I know she's not nice, or the person I thought she was, the person I loved. I guess I'm just still in love with that version. Wish I could turn it off. Or go back in time to before she met the utter cow she's run off with. They're 3 months in and already insisting on a holiday with all the kids this summer. Like they can just plonk these little kids into their nascent relationship and "be a family". It's an absolute joke.

OP posts:

Epidote · 11/07/2023 17:56

She run with an utter cow because she is a utter cow herself. I
will opposed the Arla family holidays far too early for the DC. Kids needs stability not visiting a dairy farm.

Kent1975 · 16/07/2023 09:43

Epidote · 09/07/2023 23:23

Give yourself more time.
Love doesn't disappear from a day/week/month to another.
Seems like you did not expect it and probably you are still processing the initial shock.
Took me 6 months to start to be myself again.
Don't rush.
She did not bother about before and she is not going to do it now. She did not respect you before and she is not going to start now. Think about this when you miss her.

Think about you and about you DC. Two and only two priorities. The little one and yourself.
The rest is just noise.

This is a great response and exactly the comment about noise.

Extrahelp · 14/08/2023 16:03

Elektra1 · 09/07/2023 20:02

DW left me 12 weeks ago for another woman. It was very abrupt, in that we'd only known this other couple a brief time, then suddenly DW and one of the other wives told me and the other wife that we were separated and they immediately got together. Perhaps they got together a bit before, had chemistry or whatever, doesn't really matter at this point.

We're all now getting divorced. Both couples have young kids. DW and gf moved in together immediately. I wanted to work things through with DW, she refused counselling or anything. I would have accepted the affair and let it run its course but that's not what she wanted.

Because of our child, we see each other every day and I have also had to see her with the gf. It's all very acrimonious because of the speed and cruelty of how they did it, but underneath my anger and upset I still love her so much, or at least the version of her I thought I had.

I can't imagine ever feeling like that about anyone else. Mutual friends have told me they see them around town canoodling in the street and it is like a knife through me. I don't want to feel like this. How long does it take to just accept this and not love the person who's left you any more?

I’m sues sing you has already checked out, I nowhere near that position anyway