Have I left it too late to find someone?

[ilyana]

I'm 38, single, and feeling like I might have made a terrible mistake by not taking the opportunity to date a couple of years ago!

I was in a relationship with a horrible man since 2019, who I only realised was horrible when we were together 24/7 through the lockdowns. It became truly terrible, full of emotional abuse from him, and we split up and I moved out in May 2021 after I'd had my jabs and felt OK about going to viewings and all that (had some health issues). At the time, I was actually raring to go, ready to have a fun summer, felt motivated to date, downloaded a few apps right away and was chatting to a few men, but it all felt really lacklustre. I only ended up meeting one, and in person he wasn't very nice. It wasn't a disaster, but I got a little bit of a "chip on the shoulder" vibe, and it was all very awkward. I really dislike the awkwardness of those blind dates, so decided to just stop dating and focus on myself for a bit, and my therapist agreed that was a good idea.

What was meant to be a short hiatus from dating turned into month after month, as the longer I went without meeting anyone or doing anything social, the harder it got to feel any motivation to do it. There always seemed to be a reason not to. I was gearing up to get back out there in late 2021, and then Omicron hit, and there was more talk of lockdowns, and I just thought "bugger this" and went back to my home country to spend a few months with family (after a negative test of course!). During this time, I focused on myself, picked up a few new hobbies, spent quality time with family, and also bought a flat in London a year ago. I remember this time last year feeling pretty happy and content, busy doing up my new flat and going on holidays and nice long walks, and I figured I'd get back into dating in due course.

Well, then I started to have health issues, and September 2022 to now has been basically a bust because I was having test after test and constantly stressed, miserable, and in no mindset to date. The stress took its toll on my looks...at 36, I still looked very young. I look back at photos and want to weep because I looked so young, vibrant and healthy, and I'm kicking myself that I wasted that time.

So now I'm 38 and look every day of it, I think I've ended up in a very undesirable age bracket on OLD, and I don't think I want to use OLD anyway. I really didn't enjoy it last time I was on it. I'm just at a total loss re what to do. Most of my friends are now married with kids and barely available, and I've moved to an area I don't really know anyone. I really wish I could just do it how I did it in my twenties - building up a social circle and organically meeting someone that way, but it feels difficult to impossible at this age! I'm so incredibly lonely, and now that the pandemic is winding down, it's becoming really obvious, as there are all these gigs, concerts, shows to go to and I don't have anyone to go with.

Has anyone been in my position and still managed to meet someone? Or even build up a social life?

Are you hoping to have children?

It is never too late to find someone.💑

At a church I used to attend we had several weddings of couples who were widow/widower in their 70's.
I met my husband there (we were a lot younger...)

A good friend 60ish and divorced married a guy (also divorced 60 ish) who she met at Scottish Country Dancing.

Another friend (40's) met her 2nd husband in a supermarket.

Another friend (40's) met her 2nd husband in the library in the gardening section.

My friend's mother 80's (widow) met her 2nd husband (also 80's)when she went to pay her Poll Tax at the Council Offices. He offered her a lift home and it went on from there. Sadly he died a year later.😢

Don't give up !

I met DP when I was 39 through mutual friends (I was too scared to do OLD!) This is the best relationship I've ever had, theres definitely hope OP!

Never too old. I was mid 40,s not looking for anyone and met my current partner at a works day out. He was with a different company. Best relationship ever.

Met the love of my life at 52! You're a spring chicken Op. Don't ever give up. 🤗

You are still young, plenty of time to meet someone. If you feel like trying online dating again have a look at the dating thread on here first and read the dating rules! If not join Meetup, there are loads of different ways to meet with people there and build up a social life.

Tricky age of you want children as most men are probably looking at you get women for that, but of children are not in the cards, there are many men (single, divorced, with children or those who don't want any). I don't think OLD is terrible, it is a way to meet new people and the volume of it is difficult to replicate via hobbies or friends.

I think making new friends is definitely hard at that age as either moat women are still in the thick of parenting.

Thanks for the replies and sorry I haven't responded yet - have been in a horrible mental health/anxiety spiral.

I think maybe a bigger issue is that I don't even really have friends. I only moved here in late 2019 and the pandemic happened at the very worst possible time on a personal level, because I ended up trapped in a bad relationship through lockdowns and then meeting new people was really difficult. I have tried things like Meetup groups, but it's often different people each week. I'm just so tired and drained of having to constantly go out of my comfort zone and interact with strangers even for something as basic as having someone to have a drink with or go to a gig with. I literally have nobody I can just be myself with, and not feel like I have to be making a good impression, you know? Even though my ex was a real abusive arse, I desperately miss him, because I miss having someone to do things with. Something as basic as going to see a film and then have a meal afterwards.

So while the "meet people through friends" advice is probably good, what happens if you don't really have any?

OLD seems like a total shitshow these days. I was living in the UK briefly when Guardian Soulmates was still a thing, and it wasn't great then, but it seemed like there was still a fairly good chance of meeting someone nice. Now it just feels like there's generally so much hate towards women from men? I don't really feel comfortable putting my photos and info about myself on an app knowing it could be seen by these men who despise women, or even screenshotted and posted on those awful redpill/incel/men's dating forums? It just seems obscene to me that something as basic and human as wanting to meet a partner has now become so full of risk and danger. It was so easy to meet my longest term partner in my twenties - literally just met him on a course, became friends, and eventually started dating, and it just feels impossible to do that now? Meet someone in the daily course of life, when many people are working remote and everything is online?

I don't think I do want children, no, which makes the timeline less pressured, but I imagine it also means an even lower choice of men, since most seem to want kids? My ideal life would be just having a partner, a nice DINK lifestyle, holidays, nice restaurants, lots of chilled out time together, you know? Why does it feel so hard? I think I'm still pretty attractive, nice face, good figure, fit, but the only men who seem interested in me just aren't at all the ones I see as partners. I only ever seem to get interest from men around their mid-twenties, and we're just not in the same life phase at all. I'd probably consider any man between about 30 and 45, but even then, it feels like such slim pickings. I was at a pub quiz the other night and saw so many gorgeous 30-something men with partners I wouldn't say are any more physically attractive than me. Caught a couple of them checking me out/making eye contact - why don't I ever run into any single ones?

What am I doing wrong? Why does everyone else seem to be constantly coupled up when I find it so desperately hard?

I don't really feel comfortable putting my photos and info about myself on an app knowing it could be seen by these men who despise women, or even screenshotted and posted on those awful redpill/incel/men's dating forums? It just seems obscene to me that something as basic and human as wanting to meet a partner has now become so full of risk and danger.

I only did old for a few months.

I didn't put up photos but still met 3 guys; I messaged them and then sent them photos when we were chatting for a bit.

Didn't start dating any of them and ended up dating a man I met through a hobby (sailing) but that's just old, it's a numbers game. Most people are not going to be mutually compatible.

Think about what hobbies and sports so done in your desired age range is likely to be doing.

Go for real life and old, and anything else you can think of.

it feels like such slim pickings.

It is, no doubt about it.

After twenties most people are coupled up. They fall into relationships in the twenties or around 30.

But you just have to keep trying to meet someone, you only need one.

What am I doing wrong? Why does everyone else seem to be constantly coupled up when I find it so desperately hard?

I think if you become single post 30 or so, most people are coupled up so it's difficult to meet single people.

It's a numbers game and you have to consider changing area too, if possible.

I only ever seem to get interest from men around their mid-twenties, and we're just not in the same life phase at all.

Because they haven't hit the circa 30 lemming like coupling panic lol.

Never too late, but don't settle for someone just because you're worried he's all that's available. Try to become comfortable with who you are and enjoy your life as it is.

Its probably not easy especially if you don't have big social circle. As said many young men will already be married and settled. By the thirties a number of our single male friends had simply stopped looking for a partner believing family life had eluded them, they just got on with life.

Caught a couple of them checking me out/making eye contact - why don't I ever run into any single ones?

Ah yes, the red herring attached guys who do a lot of eyeing up and sometimes more.

They're generally going nowhere... But might cheat if given the chance. They're like the bombs in a mone field that single women have to avoid.

Potentially huge time wasters too.

No, you haven't.

But it sounds like you need to prioritise building a life you love regardless of a partner.

What kind of meetups have you tried? I avoided anything that was 'meet new people or 'go for a meal' as the endgame.

What do you love spending time doing? What did you enjoy as a child or always fancy doing?

Dancing, tennis, art, triathlon, LARP, Am Dram, SUP?

Gigs - go by yourself if no-one else to go with. Ditto bars. Take a book or newspaper.i know it's not quite the same, but you are learning to fall in love with yourself and your life all over again and you deserve to do things you enjoy regardless.

I met some fabulous single women at 38 and, now I'm living with my partner and expecting a baby I'm slightly envious of all the fun they're still having!

If I wasn't pregnant I'd be booking a Gutsy Girls SUP and hike trip and joining a tennis club.

Forgot to mention - part of the point of the above is that it lights up your soul, and part of it is that when you do meet new people you will come across as cool, self-sufficient and enjoying life, which are all v attractive traits in a potential friend or date.

Ironically, I was coupled up all through my twenties and then made some panic decisions in my early 30s that probably made it worse for me. I feel like the pandemic was unbelievably bad luck, timing wise. In 2020, I was barely mid thirties, still looked really good, would probably have bumped into someone if I'd split with my partner then and covid hadn't happened. Instead I got trapped and basically lost 2-3 years of dating time at probably the worst possible time for that to happen, as a woman. On good days, I think maybe it was for the best, because I don't think kids are for me, and I might have had them if I'd met someone when I was a bit younger. On bad days, I feel bitter, angry and resentful.

I did have loads of interests pre-pandemic, but I've lost interest in most of them, probably because I'm so depressed and don't see a future for myself now, and also because anything I do now comes with the risk of getting Covid again and becoming seriously ill again. It was hard enough to get out there before, when the worst outcome of attending an event was not enjoying it, not being sick with long Covid for months. I know I can't live like this, but I can't really see a way out. I'm so incredibly jealous of everyone who met decent people before all this started.

I feel like I do my absolute best to live a life I can enjoy without a partner - I went on six solo holidays/city breaks last year, attended a few events, did a language course, but I really just haven't managed to build up any real friendships from it. People are friendly and I have an OK time, but then it doesn't go anywhere. People don't ask for my contact details and I feel awkward always being the one to ask in case they don't actually want to meet and are just being polite. London is so transient and so lonely. There was a man at a language Meetup who seemed lovely and who also seemed interested in me, but never actually made a move and now he's gone to live in Latin America for months, possibly forever. Maybe in the past, I'd have considered pursuing that anyway, making a move myself, maybe going out there and having an adventure, but now I've got a permanent full-time job and a mortgage.

Of the things you mentioned, probably SUP and hiking seem like the things I'd most enjoy, so maybe I should focus on those more. I find it frustrating that all the London-based hiking groups seem to need advance commitments and payments, so I'm paying £30 without being sure how I'll feel on the day (still having long Covid issues) but I guess I just need to suck it up and risk it?

It's so frustrating!

A male friend got drunk and admitted he always fancied me and wishes he could have asked me out (his friend did first, who is my most recent ex) but now he's got a serious girlfriend.

It feels like this constantly happens...men tell me I'm attractive and appealing but yet they all choose to date other women! Yet they still tell me this stuff...why? Is it meant to make me feel better? Because it makes me feel worse. That in theory, I'm this great catch, but the reality is nobody actually wants a relationship with me!

Ah, poor love. I know it's really hard when you feel like you've been putting the effort in and not getting anywhere.

I'd definitely recommend joining a club if you can. Totally different dynamic.

But you're right that not every event/trip will result in a stack of new friends.

Whereabouts in London are you?

I found several of the day hike meetups that I only signed up to the night before, or only required a £5 commitment and the rest was my train fare.

I’ve been single for 5 years and there’s never been an opportunity presented not be. Although I actually want to be alone and I don’t know if that will ever change. I don’t think you can ever get too old to meet someone though. I think you should keep focusing on doing things that fulfill you and give you purpose. Maybe connections will come from that but it should be a secondary effect rather than something you’re looking for for it to happen organically

I'm in South London.

What were the groups you tried, if you don't mind saying?

Honestly, it's not even about meeting a partner, at this stage, I'd be happy just to have a few friends. I literally have nobody to do things with. Nobody.

I feel similar. I'm the same age as the OP. I'd love to settle down and maybe have a family. But I know I'm getting a bit too old. I've never dated before 😳 because of family reasons. I was looking after my mum, who's always been quite a controlling person. I ended up being very isolated. As far as dating goes now, I feel so afraid and wouldn't even know where to start. Most other people my age have been married/lived with a partner, and I'd just be starting out like a teenager. So it ends up easier to keep putting it off.

@ilyana I'm afraid I can't see exactly which ones as my meetup profile has refreshed since then, but I pretty much scanned down all the outdoor/hiking ones. Outdooraholics was one, they seemed have have a variety of difficulty levels. There are loads though.

It might also be worth contacting directly some of the organisers that sound amenable to see if there might be a way around.
I often booked the night before or that morning if there was space. Once I turned up on spec in case there was a dropout which there was.