Sibling never picked up for rudeness

[123bumblebee]

Hi, wanted some advice on long-standing issue with sibling that really upsets me. We all lead busy lives but them and their partner have this attitude that their jobs are inherently more busy than mine and DHs. DH works 9-6 with an hour commute and I am in a very stressful job juggling long hours, high risk and stress and exams. We have a toddler on top who is very challenging. They are child-free .I’m not saying our lives are more stressful than there’s, I’m just saying that they we actually juggle a lot too!

For as long as I can remember sibling has been socially rude and never picked up on it, despite my requests to DM. Arriving late (like 2+ hours!) when a meal is being made for them, messing people around with dates, saying they will stay over so everything gets cleaned and set up for them then deciding they will go home on the day, or if they do stay leaving at 6am so someone has to get up, get breakfast for them, unlock the door behind them, or cancelling things last minute. Will commit to doing things that are in their best interests- expensive dinners, trips away that others pay for etc. otherwise will not commit even when people need to know for catering or numbers. It always feels like they hold out for a better offer.

Has a professional job and is clearly able to arrive on time and commit to dates for that. Same with anything socially they want to do.

I’ve been told by my parents every time “it’s not worth getting upset over” but it does upset me. It’s really bloody rude and disrespectful to expect me and my family to run around like blue arsed flies in time we don’t have to prepare you food/clean the house/make beds. DM has asked me not to confront them but equally has said she hates conflict so won’t do it herself. Just wants everyone to be happy and it would break her heart if we fell out.

Extra long history too of taking my stuff as child/teen/young adult and never being picked up on it. Again told it’s not worth getting upset over, parents would replace mine for me.

Any wise suggestions for how to tackle? I’ve accepted my relationship with sibling is never going to be what I want it to be. Mild mannered DH now also of the opinion we are done as it is now impacting on toddler with lateness and food etc.

If it upsets you that much, then stop waiting for others to say something or challenge them and you say something to them.

If you are not willing to do this, then you have to find a way to ignore it, as you can’t expect other people to sort it out for you.

If you don't tell them they're being inconsiderate, who will?

If you don't wish to say anything, stop making any arrangements with them that will negatives affect you.

If you are eating at your parents, confirm beforehand that you will go ahead and eat on time if they are delayed.

Do not invite them to your home ever.

See them on neutral territory or avoid mixing.

If your mother complains that you decline invitations which involve her, just say that you are no longer prepared to be inconvenienced particularly as you have a child to look after.

Take back control as much as you can.

Is there any chance there's something your mother knows that you don't? It's just something to think about.

Other than that, don't put yourself out for them as all the pps have said.

I have picked it up over the years. They never see they are at fault, then I make my mum cry because me and sibling have fallen out and I look like the bad guy.

I’m always told I’m being OTT and over-reacting, but my DH who sees it every time and is very quick to tel me when I’m wrong usually agrees that I’m not over-reacting.

Nothing else going on, DM very open with me about everything.

I think you just need to put your own boundaries in place.
So joint family meal, message everyone in advance "Dinner sounds great, because of toddlers bed time we will need to be leaving by x"
Then if they are late for dinner then either you leave or you go ahead and order without them and leave your DPs to do what they choose.

I'd also pull back on any joint things with them unless your DPs organise and you aren't left out of pocket or inconvenienced.

Well you need to stop.

If she asked to stay over - why can’t you say no? Not sure how this can be a problem for you Mum?

Dinner plans, I’d say we are eating at 8 so if you’re not here by 7:30 we shall carry one with out you …

Actions and consequences - set them in stone.

Why get up to sort breakfast …. Can they not do that themselves or grab something on the way home?

There isn’t much joint stuff that happens. It’s a super human effort to get them to commit to anything and I/DPs end up doing the running around, chasing and planning. Then they arrive, empty handed, late and DPs act as if we should just be honoured that they have graced us with their presence.

There is a gender difference too which winds me up I think. I get told I’m a histrionic, unreasonable woman while he gets to be a laid-back, relaxed man. I would be relaxed too if I never had to do anything!

We had this with dbro and his wife.

We stopped organising anything with them. I told Mum and Dad that as they were unwilling to say anything and would beg me not to, then I wasn’t doing it. And I told them to not invite me to anything they were attending.

That meant big families dinners stopped but that was a bonus because I didn’t have to hear their incessant complaints about how hard their lives were, how skint they were etc.

It suited me and my family better. Mum obviously felt sad that we didn’t all get together anymore but used to just remind her why this was happening.

Sorry to be harsh but you need to take control.

No longer contact him.
No longer see your parents when he is there.

Let your mother cry, and see less of her too.

You are too passive.
Stand up and walk away from this toxic dynamic.

Stop behaving as if you have zero agency over your own life.

@billy1966 don’t worry, it’s harsh but true!

I would say stop chasing them, they don’t seem that interested in a relationship with you . The least they could do is arrive on time etc, but look maybe they don’t value their time with you as much as you value it with them. Pull back on your effort levels, let them organize things if they want to see you. You guys have a busy life, why not relax in your downtime instead of worrying about them showing up or not. I know it sounds harsh but just my opinion.

@HaitiHavana Don't worry about sounding harsh! Yes I have come to the realisation that they are demonstrating to me how much they value our relationship. As they always see, look at actions not words!

DH and I have had a discussion that we will not do any more chasing to organise things and pin them down for dates, we won't host them at the house anymore, or if unavoidable like Christmas we will be very clear on times we are eating and expectations and if they fail to meet them then that is their problem.

It's such a shame and I really feel for my parents in this. I think I mostly get annoyed because I feel it is really disrespectful to my parents (and to me) to be like this, but my parents seem to be happy as long as the peace is kept. So it is up to them if they choose to allow such shitty behaviour.

I had hoped my DP would raise this with sibling given that they are the ones who has raised them, but I think we can all see why my sibling is the way they are as they have never been picked up on rudeness.

The good thing about having a toddler is that you can make a boundary and stick to it to make sure they are not impacted!

This op. My brother was horrible to me. Spent years refusing contact, for reasons I will never know (no falling out. I just don't think he liked me). My mother facilitated him and made excuses for him to my detriment for decades, and she would give him a pass every time.

The final time he did this, on the rare occasion we were in touch, I'm afraid I let him have it with both barrels, because he didn't just let me down, he let my kids down.

He never spoke to me again. He's dead now, but I'm glad I drew the line in the sand because I have value too, my life is important too and I'd had enough of feeling like he was always calling the shots.