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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I wrong for being annoyed that he doesn't remember stuff in our relationship and my middle name

22 replies

Lifeafternarcabuse · 08/07/2023 22:43

Just that really?
We have been together 15 months now spend alot of time together blended our children together etc etc he's 41 I'm 31 and he literally doesn't remember anything about our relationship, from places we've been, moments we have had even to tonight where he says he hasn't got a clue what my middle names are however he remembers the name of madonnas daughter or who seal dated and everything about him travelling and it really annoys me....

Not a breaking up kind of thread but he can't how or why I'm annoyed by this
Disclaimer not annoyed as in arguing about it just makes me feel like he doesn't care (?)

OP posts:

calmcoco · 08/07/2023 22:44

He sounds like he doesn't care about you. Sorry.

littlebopeepp234 · 08/07/2023 22:45

That would bother me too and it would be a red flag. Seems he doesn’t care and possibly has been with more women and doesn’t remember who he’s taken where

Original poster

Lifeafternarcabuse · 08/07/2023 22:58

Certainly feels like he doesn't care! And yes most probs can't remember which women he's taken where and done what with guess ill have to do some more digging see if there's any other red flags!

OP posts:

littlebopeepp234 · 08/07/2023 23:01

Lifeafternarcabuse · 08/07/2023 22:58

Certainly feels like he doesn't care! And yes most probs can't remember which women he's taken where and done what with guess ill have to do some more digging see if there's any other red flags!

I bet there will be many more red flags. What benefit does he actually bring to you relationship? What is he like as a person? I am pretty sure nobody is that forgetful they can’t remember where they went with you, either he is scared he will slip up about another women or a place where he hasn’t taken you but has taken someone else. Either that or he is gaslighting you

SheilaFentiman · 08/07/2023 23:09

Does he forget similar things about friends eg where they went on a weekend trip last month or whatever?

Mythril · 08/07/2023 23:32

It makes you feel like he doesn't care because he doesn't.

Since you've already blended families, my first thought is do you look after his kids.

Jongleterre · 09/07/2023 00:06

It's not a sound relationship if you have to 'dig'.

He's not that into you.

MumGMT · 09/07/2023 03:28

The middle name thing wouldn't bother me, but it's bizzare to not remember places you've been. Is his memory bad for other things?

Even if he didn't care then he should be able to remember where he's been in the past 15 months if he's a healthy adult.

WandaWonder · 09/07/2023 03:49

We have been together over 20 years there is stuff we don't know about each other and I feel fine with that

Original poster

Lifeafternarcabuse · 09/07/2023 08:49

He Is actually a really great person and helps me loads especially with my kids as I'm 100% on my own where he has his ds mum around. I can see some gaslighting traits in him so maybe that's it

OP posts:

Original poster

Lifeafternarcabuse · 09/07/2023 08:50

He probs looks after mine more than I have his tbf...

OP posts:

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 09/07/2023 08:51

Lifeafternarcabuse · 09/07/2023 08:49

He Is actually a really great person and helps me loads especially with my kids as I'm 100% on my own where he has his ds mum around. I can see some gaslighting traits in him so maybe that's it

15 months in and you've created a blended family with someone who can't remember your middle name? Who shows gaslighting traits. Really?

I'm also a lone parent but I don't want or expect any man to help me with my kid, especially in such a short period of time.

WilkinsonM · 09/07/2023 08:54

Why is your boyfriend helping raise your kids?? That's your job at this stage!

bookwormcrazy · 09/07/2023 08:55

My DP has a crazy stupid memory when it comes to his passion of football. He can remember every pass, every kick and goal of games 15/ 20 years ago but has a terrible memory for everything else, especially when it come to our relationship.
We have been together for over 10 years now and I generally know if I want to remind him of something in our relationship, I usually have to tell him which football match was near the time!
Sometimes he shocks me and remembers something but it's rare!

sodthesodoff · 09/07/2023 09:28

You know he's gaslighting you but you've let him look after your kids?!?

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/07/2023 09:43

He's just not interested in you. I'm really sorry but the more time you waste with this guy, the more invested you will be in the relationship and yet he's not invested at all. Please don't even think of marrying him, living with him or having his children or any kind of joint accounts.

littlebopeepp234 · 09/07/2023 10:18

bookwormcrazy · 09/07/2023 08:55

There’s a difference between being in a relationship 10 years and just being forgetful and having to remind them about certain things vs only being in a relationship for 15 months and ‘forgetting’ absolutely everything. The first couple of years of a relationship are supposed to be the best years - the honeymoon period. Surely op’s bf would remember at least something during that 15 months.

If you are happy in your 10 year relationship and aside from his memory, everything else works for you then you that’s how it should be. I do think the op’s bf is either gaslighting her and purposely trying to upset her OR he has other women on the go and cannot remember who he’s taken where or he’s scared to slip up in case he mentions a place he hasn’t actually been to with op but has taken someone else.

MMmomDD · 09/07/2023 10:30

It’s hard to tell what is actually going on.
What you mention seems like he remembers things from a long time ago (Madonna’s daughter), but doesn’t recall things that are more in the short term memory.
It could be that he doesn’t care. But it also could be early signs of some future memory issues.
I don’t really know what one does with that - beyond observing, and generally having a good look at the rest of the relationship.

daisychain01 · 09/07/2023 10:43

It's a power game. He probably does know but he's happy giving you the impression that significant details about your life together aren't a priority to him. He wants to come across as unreachable, I'll bet you, otherwise why would he actually admit to not knowing your middle name, those pieces of information aren't something a person in his position as supposedly your partner, randomly "forgets".

he doesn't sound like a great person, you've just got a very low bar.

monsteramunch · 09/07/2023 13:20

15 months in and you've created a blended family with someone who can't remember your middle name? Who shows gaslighting traits. Really?

This sums it up really. Good grief.

GreyCarpet · 09/07/2023 13:39

You've posted about this before?

Tbh, I can see how a middle name is forgotten. Its not something you use often and probably came up in a getting to know you chat 15 months ago. As I said on the other thread, I can't remember my boyfriend's mum's name because I was told it once and he just calls her mum.

monsteramunch · 09/07/2023 13:48

In the last five years you've been in a relationship with a man who isn't the father of your eldest child, that was so abusive the police were involved, ended that relationship after a few years and another child and now blended families with a new partner who you say shows signs of gaslighting, leers at other women and doesn't remember anything about you or your relationship.

Mate, what are you thinking?

Your children need you to step up and end this relationship. Your son has already been through living with an abusive partner of yours. Please don't make him put up with another rubbish male role model who treats his mum badly.

Poor kid.

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