Was this abuse?

[Absmc]

I think I know the answer to this already but struggling as I'm too embarrassed to talk to any of my friends or family about this.

My husband of five years has always had a quick temper and is given to verbal outbursts. They've got worse in the last year due to work and new child but I have been blamed a lot for being 'argumentative'.

This morning there was another incident where he stormed off and then text me from another room to list his complaints. I went into the other room to try and calm him down face to face and resolve things but he wasn't having any of it and shouted at me to leave the room. In my frustration I slammed the door when I left.

Went back to make daughter's breakfast when he came back in grabbed me by the wrists and tried to pull me out of the house whilst yelling get out. Awfully he did thin front of my young daughter so she very quickly started screaming in terror.

I dug my heels in and he quickly gave up and left the room while I tried to comfort my hysterical daughter. It was rough enough for my wrists to hurt for most of the day.

He retreated to another room for 'his safety' and has insisted he did it because of my threatening, violent behaviour towards him(slamming the door).

Does he have a point or am I being gaslit here? I took the kids out all day and only came back to put them to bed as we have nowhere else to go right now and seem a bit paralysed in what I do next.

You know the answer op. I slammed doors on a regular basis as a stroppy teen. My parents never once touched me over it, because they were not abusive. This is not acceptable behaviour. You were in separate spaces and he deliberately came after you.

I’m sorry op, yes it is. As is the screaming at you, and then turning it back on you saying you were ‘threatening and violent’ by slamming a door when his actions were the real ‘threatening and violent’ behaviour. Take some time for yourself, if you can, even if it’s by taking the kids out with you, so that you can move past the paralysis stage. You’ll be ok 🥰 we’ve all been there 😥.

do you have visible bruises on your wrists? If you do you should go to a dr and get a report done. Definitely abusive. If you don’t want to go the dr at least get photos of the bruises and send them to a trusted friend then delete them.

This is the twofold nature of abuse, the aggression and then the lies, twisting reality until it's all a confused mush and you can't think. What would you say to a good friend in this situation?

Yes @Absmc it is abuse. It’s clear cut physically abuse, the verbal outbursts are also probably abusive as well.

I went through the same experience - occasional incidents of actual physical abuse (i.e. assault) but many many more “outbursts” which included screaming, name calling, smashing/throwing things, barrages of texts telling me why it was my fault.

I always stuck up for myself/argued back (and yes I probably slammed some doors/shouted back) so the “blame” was always partly attributed to me. I was angry/bitter/argumentative/hostile/combative/unreasonable etc.

I realise now that’s bullshit - I’m not perfect but defending yourself against abusive behaviour doesn’t made the “defendant” abusive too.

And any relationship where there is a “defendant” is well and truly fucked.

Tell someone about what has happened. In my case I told his family who explained to me why it was my fault (“for not being supportive enough of his career” hmmmm I wonder where he got his sense of entitlement from!!!) - so choose someone you trust to back you. I (finally) ended my marriage in November 2022 and wish I’d done it earlier.

Find someone in real life. Get help and get out.

I wrote a similar post to yours in 2013. I received lots of helpful advice, but didn't leave. There wasn't really anything physical, but the gas lighting was on a phenomenal scale.
We have recently split up. Long story, but, what I wanted to say to you is that, first thing I realised was how ashamed and isolated I'd become.

Given a little bit of space I've quickly realised just how deep the gas-lighting was.
I re-read my thread from 10 years ago and sobbed. If only I'd enlisted the help of someone I could trust and made that move ten years earlier!

You are in an abusive relationship. It is not going get better. He won't change, not permanently anyway. He's not showing you the respect you deserve. Don't do what I did and wait another 10 years!

Oh love - he's doing a real number on you. Of course this is abusive, it's very obvious to an outsider that it is, but he's managing to play both the abuser and the victim ... as they often do (look up DARVO).

I had a not too dissimilar experience with my ex husband, the final straw was when he frogmarched me down the hallway twisting my arm behind my back (almost dislocating it) whilst I had a my screaming 2yr old daughter in the other arm and then barricading us both in her room. This was after months and months of screaming, name calling, punching walls etc - but minimal actual physical abuse (there had been wrist grabbing and similar but no actual hits or punches). I also argued back, never with any name calling other than along the lines of "how can you be so awful to your wife", but even if I had it didn't justify his behaviour. Everything was my fault of course.

He eventually let us go and left (and I said not to come back, we were done) and I called the police (couldn't get an answer from women's aid). They took it very seriously and categorised it as domestic violence. I was stupid and said not to press charges when I was asked, but they still arrested him and ultimately gave him a caution. I (well we both probably did, but as he'd left I've got no idea if he got the same) got a letter from the police about the effects of domestic violence on children and a call from a social worker who was very supportive and left me be after a conversation about the incident and reassurances from me that he had left for good and there was a zero chance of us reuniting.

I'm now 12 years divorced with a lovely new husband and an infinitely nicer life, but to be honest my life became infinitely nicer the second he walked out the door.

This isn't going to get better - it's going to get worse if anything. This is not a marriage, this is not a life. You deserve to feel safe and happy, as do your children.

Thank you all for validating my experience and sharing your own experiences, it really does help.

My wrists still hurt but I'm not an easy bruiser.

He's continuing to insist his actions were proportionate in response to my 'violent threatening' action of slamming a door.

Also sending me bull shit lists of what bad abusive wives are. Just as well really as it stops this being swept under the carpet and confusing until the next incident.

Waiting for the baby to wake and then I'm off to visit my mum and sister. I'm cringing at all the upset and burden this is going to create for them but ultimately know it's the right thing to do, I cannot let my children see me be assaulted again.

(His own dad used to give his mum black eyes so is in name opposed to domestic violence as he would never hit me. Doesn't seem to sink in that his behaviour falls under the same umbrella. Think it will one day, hopefully for our children's sake.)

The thing is, he may well have lucid moments when he recognises he is abusive. However, this will not stop the abuse.
The recognition he was abusive, in counselling, was one of the things that kept me with my ex for an extra 10 years. It didn't stop the abuse. If anything, he seemed to resent me more.