Had anyone reconciled with a parent after having been NC with them?

[Shefliesonherownwings]

Until recently I was NC with my father. I won’t go until details but he behaved horrifically to me after the sudden loss of my DD. This was the last straw after a fairly up and down relationship so I just cut ties and was quite happy with that.

He and my mum remain together and she and I do still a relationship of sorts. A few weeks ago, mum messaged me to say dad was in hospital after a heart attack. He was according to her really quite unwell and in a specialist hospital. She asked if I would consider messaging him. I thought long and hard and decided I would, I didn’t want him to die with us not speaking but I was very cautious about opening up a relationship again. In the end I sent a very short message saying I was sorry he was unwell, I hoped he felt better soon and I sent him a picture of my DC who he has never met.

The response I got back was actually lovely and quite sweet. The complete opposite of what I had been expecting, given our last communications. He sounded like a very different person. Since then we have messaged a bit, him more than me. I’ve simply asked how he’s feeling and saying I hope he feels better soon but he still seems this much nicer person. He’s still in hospital, having had 2 ops and some complications. No plans to be discharged yet.

He’s now started saying he wants to see me before something happens to him. This is where I’m unsure. I’m ok with arms length perfunctory messages but meeting up seems too much. At the same time I don’t know that I would want something to happen without seeing him and maybe building some bridges. He’s never apologised to me for how he behaved and I don’t think we can have a relationship without that but I wonder if I would get that if I went to see him. However I don’t want to fall into the old traps and resume a relationship with no boundaries. So far I’ve ignored the requests but will have to address it at some point. Anyone experienced similar and can offer some advice?

I’m afraid I can’t offer much wisdom, but I wanted to send some empathy. I’m NC with my parents and I know how impossible this decision must feel.

Make sure that you take care of yourself throughout all of this.

I've been in the same situation and it can really mangle you up. I once read 'time passed isn't behaviour changed'. Sending clarity op, it's the only route to peace of mind, not being pulled about by emotions.

I didn’t re-establish a relationship with my father after hearing he had a terminal illness and I have had no regrets in the years since his death. But, I never had that feeling that I needed to speak to him before he died. It doesn’t sound like you’re in the same place at all.

It’s such a difficult situation. My only advice would be that you are the only person who has to live with your decision, so ignore anyone trying to sway you one way or the other. I’d think about how you would feel if (God forbid) he passed away tomorrow, and also about how you would feel if he makes a full recovery and goes on for another 30 years. Is there anything you need to say to him? Would you have the strength to cut ties again if he recovers and his behaviour hasn’t changed?

It’s a shit situation to be in and, whatever you decide, I hope it turns out to be the right thing for you 💐

I re-established an ‘arm’s length’ relationship with my mother after 11 years NC. Time had passed, my parents were getting older (I didn’t get to see my dad that much because of the situation) and the feeling kicked in that (despite my having three siblings);they might need me one day. I had done lots of counselling and had reached a place where I felt she just could hurt me any more.

For my own sake, I’m glad I did. It helped me to move on in my own head.

How would you feel if he died tomorrow and you had not tried to make peace with your relationship with him? I think answer tells you all you need to know even if you don't get the apology you clearly deserve, at least you can be at peace knowing you tried.

NC with dad for over 10 years. More his choice than mine tbh. Huge fall out over his appalling treatment of siblings. I tried to maintain a relationship of sorts but he couldn't cope with being pulled up on his behaviour so cut me off. He's now NC with all his children.

Last year after a family bereavement I messaged him and we've been sporadically 'talking' online since. It's uncomfortable and tbh life was easier NC. I now feel trapped because he's getting older and has health problems and I feel used for this.

I've been in a similar situation, manipulated by other family members into reconciliation with my father. I was always still quite guarded and things were okay initially but he soon showed he hadn't changed and behaved absolutely despicably.

I instantly went back to no contact and I can hand on heart say if he dies tomorrow I would have no regrets. In fact I'm glad that during the period of reconciling I didn't let him meet my children.

I'm sorry mine isn't a more positive story but I think it's important to consider all aspects. I found many people (family) go down the route of life is too short and like to forget what caused the issue in the first place.

I had a different experience with my toxic Mother.

I went no contact after she tried to dictate how I raised my DC's and deliberately bad mouthed about me to them (they were 11 and 14 at the time), she kept saying crap like 'Your Mother should be doing x,y,and z for you e.g paying for expensive private schools/clubs/pets etc' despite me being on bloody benefits !

Or if anything negative happened eg lost a jacket or didn't 'win' at a sporting game 'That's your Mothers fault for not letting you have private lessons' or 'It's your Mothers fault your jackets lost, it's up to HER to make sure your things are safe' or 'Why are you wearing those shoes/t-shirt/skirt ? (I.e not branded, because I couldn't afford it) 'Your Mother spends all her money on herself, doesn't she ?'

So I went no contact. My Mothers response ? To run to the solicitors office to change her will !

I never spoke to her again after going NC, but found out from my DS (who cut off contact with me at DM's 'insistance ) that DM was very, very angry that Scottish Law doesn't allow a parent to completely disinherit a child, but she did make sure I got the MINIMUM possible.

I did go to her funeral, but just to make sure she was actually dead. I've never, ever missed her, because every single encounter with her from the age of 18 was mentally draining and 'superficial'. It was only ever on her terms and with lots and lots of 'digs' about how I was crap, my kids were crap and I was doing every fucking think in my whole life wrong !

Hi all, thank you for the replies and for your experiences and viewpoints.

My mother has been my dads flying monkey and apart from recently I shut down her requests for me to contact him. He has been very unwell so I don’t get regret contacting him but he is now getting better and likely to come home this week. I know once he does the requests to see me will increase.

I am very torn about this. On one hand I wonder if I would get the acknowledgment and apology from him that I need and maybe he has changed, his messages sound like a very different person. On the other hand I am very nervous of becoming trapped back into a toxic relationship where he does not respect me or my boundaries. I am very cynical about whether he truly had changed. I hate being put in this position. I’ve done nothing wrong except put my foot down when he hurt me terribly and here I am, still agonising and feeling bad over it all. What a s*show.

Sorry to read this OP. I've no advice but just to say I'm no contact with both my parents after they walked out of my house after very poor behaviour. It's seven years this week and I'm content to let them go 💐

I was NC with my father through my teenage years and most of my 20s. A few years ago we were back in contact and my sister and I visited him. We realised that (obviously) he had not changed and it was a waste of time. NC again.

I’ve experienced similar recently. I kept contact at a level, frequency, tone and depth that felt right for me. I wanted to show that I cared, I was genuinely concerned, but I did keep it arms length.

I have geographical distance as a justifiable reason for very very minimal f2f contact. I pop in for an hour or so when I’m in their area 1-2 times per year. I don’t hate it anymore but like you, cannot move past arms length whilst there is no hint of an apology for their past behaviour. Which is sad as it then reminds me of just how much it’s a lose-lose situation.

Anyway op I guess my message is to just go at a pace that works for you. And remember you can recalibrate along the way depending on how things are and how you are feeling. Don’t second guess their reactions, don’t overthink how/when/how much you make contact either. I no longer agonise over whether I r worded something ok, I just send a sweet short message hit send and then carry on my day. I also keep their messages in my archive folder in WhatsApp which means I have more control over when I see their messages or choose to reply.

it’s really shit. And not many people in real life get it.

Whatever you decide now is right for now. Trust yourself.