Am I just being a cow?

[ineedsomeperspective]

Pretty much every morning I wake up thinking "I'm going to have THE conversation about how in a years time I'm not still going to be having the same repetitive conversation".

Main issue is snoring. DH is like a train. Sleeps on the sofa most nights, still wakes me. We have a spare room but that's too loud. I've asked on many occasions for him to get assessed for sleep apnoea etc. Have even lined tears up for him which he hasn't then booked etc.

I'm not happy with this arrangement. I want to be able to cuddle up at night and have cuddles / kisses / pillow talk / intimacy etc. If he comes to bed with me, it's just a disturbed sleep until he goes elsewhere. I miss morning cuddles in bed before the children are up etc.

However, cannot fault him in any other way. Amazing dad. Pulls his weight around the house. Happy to look after DC so I can have time to myself. Never complains about anything etc. Sometimes "plays" in his garage in the evenings, then bedtime is later than mine so stays downstairs.

If I wear ear plugs and he is downstairs and I just have the children's baby monitors on loud next to me then I get a good sleep. But equally if I fall asleep without this arrangement then most nights I end up having to either call his mobile to tell him to move, or coming downstairs in the middle of the night to find him in some uncomfortable position on the sofa, snoring away, having clearly eaten half a tub of ice cream and 3 bagels as a "snack".

I'm sick of it. Conversations just go round and round. He says he will sort it / lose weight / get fit / go to docs / try this and that etc. Lasts for a few days.

I don't want to end our marriage over this, but equally I don't want to have a marriage where I feel like I'm missing so much of what I want in a relationship ship.

Help!

I know a lot of responders will say "selfish dick who doesn't respect me etc" and I partly agree. But I'm after practical help to make him see how badly it's affecting me, and to help me decide if I genuienly end the marriage over this after years of conversations and failed attempts to make it better. All weight related. I don't want to be a single mum. But I also don't want to feel un-cared / loved and frustrated & sleep deprived.

Anyone else managed to get through this situation before? Practical / serious advice only please.

Sounds like he doesn’t take the risks of sleep apnoea seriously so would looking in to this together be a start.
Also look at if in the interests of the safety of the wider population do you need to report him to the DVLA as people with uncontrolled apnea should not drive

And then book an appt at a solicitor to write his Will
Can you also ask him about his funeral, and what sort of a service he wants, and what songs he wants playing and does he want to be buried or cremated

and does he mind you remarrying at some point

Talk about how sad the kids will be graduating and buying their first house and getting married without him

Bit if a drastic approach, but worked for a friend who had tried everything else

The ostrich approach to health is so stupid, and so frustrating, so you have my sympathy

Thank you. I mean he may not have sleep apnoea ... but I'd like him to get assessed at least incase. He is aware of the risks, but as you've just put it makes it sound much more serious than I think he probably takes it.

He'd seriously freak if I mentioned the DVLA. Whereas he probably wouldn't care if I talked about him dying - he'd probably feel it was better than my nagging!

What pisses me off is that he calls me negative when I wake up from a crap nights sleep and I'm in a grumpy mood. He just doesn't GET IT.

So maybe I need to talk more about the risks of SA to him, rather than always saying how it's affecting me. That's a really good way of looking at it, and im going to start doing some statistics googling!

Thank you for that suggestion - I'll try it.

My husband snored like an absolute train. I used to try to wake him, but couldn’t, he’d just swear and grunt and shake me off. One day I found him dead in bed. I believe these facts are related. I hope you can convince him that you and the children would be very badly affected by this if it happened to him, and for the rest of their lives.

@ArbitraryHaddock I am so sorry to hear this. How utterly awful for you, that must have been a horrendous shock. Thank you for sharing your story with me, the seriousness of it is apparent to me, now I just need to make him see it.

I'm a snorer. Female, for the record

DH once said he was being disturbed by my snoring. Mostly to demonstrate what a decent partner does, I made an appointment with my GP and took Dh with me.

I did this mostly because it takes DH ages to get round to following up so I was keen to show how it should be done.

GP asked whether there was any sign of my stopping breathing even if only briefly, which would indicate sleep apnea. There isn't, so we are all good.

GP explained fact the problem isn't for the snorer (so long as no sleep apnea) but for the person being disturbed. Best bet is to arrange for them to get to sleep first and take it from there.

Simples.

My dad died young and was a terrible snorer, im sure he had sleep apnea but we didn't test back in those days. It puts a massive strain on the heart and brain, plus you are being worn down too OP Getting to sleep before my snoring husband does not help as he would start up and wake me anyway, so now it's separate bedrooms but so far he does not have SA...

@FinallyHere thanks, but I don't think you get quite how loud he is! Different rooms / floors / with ear plugs and I still get woken - I'd have to get about 6 hours sleep before he went to bed to make it work! For some reason occasionally he doesn't snore very much 🤷🏻‍♀️.

But I take your point - it's a problem for me and not for him, but I'd like him to understand that the problem I'm having is caused by him before I do something irrational and leave him.

Sounds like the way forward is to really get him understanding the seriousness of not going to get checked with an approach of "I don't want you to die and leave our baby and toddler without a dad and me without a husband"!

Sorry if I was not clear. The first step is absolutely a trip to the Gp and then take it from there.

Sleep deprivation is a recognised for of torture. It would not be irrational to leave someone who refused to do anything about finding a solution to keeping you deprived of sleep.

Hope you find a solution

My DH is the same. ☹️

I woke him up having an absolute meltdown about 3 weeks ago. I have been begging him to get help for 2 years which be hasn't. He wakes our DS (6months) up all night. I was surviving on about 2/3 hours sleep for a week straight whilst looking after a very active baby, I just broke down. I've tried snoring pillows, nasal strips, mouth guard, pillow sprays, relaxing bath before bed. Nothing has worked.

So, he has been going to the gym since my meltdown to try and loose weight and has been eating really well. Not eating after 6pm. He's gained weight over the past few years and I read that a healthier lifestyle could help. Like magic he hasn't snored in 2 weeks.

Last night he had a kebab as a treat and bang, snores all night again.

It's so hard to deal with on a daily basis, I hope you find a solution that works for you.

*2-3 hours of sleep each night for a week straight. And the occasional short nap when DS sleeps in the day.

Most of the time I average about 4-5 hours which isn't much better but it's soul destroying.

DH is lovely, just sounds like a set of bagpipes at night 😆

Forgot to edit that part back in.

It’s really selfish to have a problem that impacts on your partner so much and not do a single thing to try and fix it. I’d tell him how much you love him, but you’re scared of losing him and also you’re not prepared to live like this any longer with him refusing to get help. Is he embarrassed? I don’t get why he won’t go when it means never sharing a bed with his wife, no morning cuddles (or sex!) etc, it’s perfectly normal to want that in a marriage and really unreasonable of him to not even try and fix things

I sympathise.
My dh is going deaf. 7 years ago he finally got an ent appointment and he cancelled it. His pardon all the time or constantly not hearing me is really frustrating.

My DH snored badly and he was diagnosed with SA and now wears the mask. It’s been a game changer for us both, we actually get sleep now, and ultimately he’s not as likely to drop dead or crash the car now.

My DH snored badly when sleeping on his back, and sometimes seemed to stop breathing. He was found not to have sleep apnea. He was only slightly overweight, but the doctor recommended losing weight, so DH did.

He now rarely snores, and stops as soon as I’ve pushed him to lie on his side.

Previously, the doctor recommended making a ‘pocket’ on the back of a pyjama jacket and putting a small ball in there, so it was uncomfortable when he lay on his back. That also worked.