WWYD?

[Fraaahnces]

I know my DH was out of line for discussing my SA, menopause and how it has impacted the intimate side of our relationship with a female friend who has attempted to insert herself into all of the blokes in that friendship group’s relationships. She’s a splitter. I don’t feel insecure about her at all, but she weaponised this information angainst me, and made sure to let it slip that it had been discussed. It was humiliating and devastating at a time when I was especially vulnerable.
He has never acknowledged that he has betrayed me by having this conversation in the first place, and yet he was angry that SHE had betrayed his trust.
He believes that it was his “right” to discuss our intimacy problems with his friend. I vehemently disagree.
Can I get past this betrayal and get him to acknowledge that this conversation should never have happened and that it has caused further issues with trust and intimacy?

If I were you I’d be pissed off too, but maybe your DH was trying to get a female perspective on things to see if there was anything he could do to improve your intimate issues ?
Who else better to ask than the office whore?

I don't think I could, no.

He owed you far more loyalty. I'd be disgusted that he'd discussed something so private about me with someone else. The fact that he refuses to see he has done anything wrong or apologise would be the nail in the coffin for me.

Easier said than done, but try not to get worked up on it. This female colleague deliberately let slip that your hubby and her had this conversation so that you would fall out. You’ve done exactly that, and as you say she’s a “splitter”.

We’ve all confided in our friends once in a while and he is, after all, being affected by your issues too- it just shows that he cares. If he didn’t confide in any one , I’d be more concerned.

Go and make up with hubby. It’s important to communicate with each other , maybe even a good time to discuss your intimate issues in a non-accusatory manner and try to work them kinks out.

goodluck!

Just to clarify, she’s not a colleague. My DH has a group of friends that all went to the same boy’s school. She went to the girl’s school over the road and attached herself firmly to this group as the only girl and “Queen Bee.” She has never had relationships with any of them as none of them see her in this way but now at 46, she is unhappily single, drinks way too much, lives in the past and her exterior “gentle hippy” facade drops and the bitter, manipulative, jealous side comes out to play. I have been with DH for 22 years and have seen this behaviour from the very beginning. She has form for also causing problems with the other wives and girlfriends of the group in a similar fashion. (Getting drunk and bitchy.) She has always been “one of the guys” as far as this group acts - but from the viewpoint of all the other females around, she is the one who drops everything (especially her other female friends) to play that part.
The fact is, I have never discussed my issues with anyone other than my therapist and my DH. It would never occur to me that my relationship intimacy issues were open for discussion with my friends. I was very vulnerable following my SA (breakdown mode) I felt like I had been raped emotionally by this experience. At the time I felt pressured by him to function in normal “wife mode” because that too was one of his “rights”, while I had no empathy for my own feelings or need for healing. To break it down, I was allowed to have my feelings/seek help as long as I still put out.
He is furious that she betrayed his loyalty by letting slip that the conversation had happened, but not at the fact that she used the information to hurt me. He will not see that this was her modus operandi.

Oh my god, I am SO SO sorry, I missed the “SA” part and only read menopause!
this 100000% should not be discussed with anyone and should only come from you if it is!!
This is COMPLETELY unacceptable from your husband, he should not be answering this information with anyone, it definitely is not within his right to share it.

I’m sorry he wasn’t great after your breakdown- He should have been there to support you emotionally and given you all the time and help you need/ needed to recover! You poor thing.

I would say something like ‘ DH I don’t know what to do, I have lost my safe space with you. Private details of my life are now gossip. You were the person I could trust and that’s gone. I don’t feel comfortable around her, or any of that group anymore. If you want to let her play games with your life that’s up to you, but keep me out of it. ‘

Then let him fix what he is ruined. Don’t share anything beyond superficial conversation with him. Lock the bathroom door, don’t discuss anything personal with him until he understands what he has done and why it has hurt you. Don’t go to any catch ups with the group, and if he spends a lot of time with them without you I would reconsider the relationship.

and what is a splitter?

@Eva6437 - easily done! Don’t be hard on yourself.
@Pawpatrolsucks - I like your advice. Thank you. “Splitter” is my own terminology. I use it to describe people (mostly women, unfortunately) who are genuinely unable to be happy and supportive of their friend’s relationships and insist on subtle, destructive behaviours and conversations with the intention of eroding the relationship. It’s like they have a lot of their own identity attached to “knowing him first/better than” the new partner and feel a sense of power through creating issues that shouldn’t be there. In her particular case, I see a raging personality disorder (Narc). (My family is full of them. I can spot them from a mile off.) She had just broken up from one of her longest relationships (18m) and was determined to take everyone down with her. She wrote an “apology” card that was all “poor me”, “me, me, me”, was full of self-righteous justification and didn’t mention “sorry” at all. I don’t like her, but I have never felt that she was a genuine threat to our relationship. In this case, the problem is the betrayal I feel from my husband confiding in her, (I know she would have LOVED that…) and his insistence that he has the right to discuss any parts of our relationship with anyone he chooses. (WRONG!)

After your update about how your "D"H expected you to continue to "put out" after your SA, he sounds absolutely awful. Added to that, the fact he feels entitled to discuss your intimate details with this other woman and sees no wrong in it or how it's hurt you, I wonder how you can bear to be near him.

I really couldn't forgive him for discussing that with anyone, never mind her. What a betrayal.

Exactly. Not only this, but the fact he’s focused on the betrayal of his trust seemingly without a regard for his wife’s feelings and emotions.

Maybe you need to speak his language… I.E. tell him how the way he feels betrayed by this female friend, is how you feel but on a much much much larger scale. He’s an idiot if he thinks he’s done nothing wrong.

I agree with @Pawpatrolsucks , explain that you feel that you can no longer trust him and that it is up to him to earn that back.

Keep any interactions short and sweet, but don’t be arsey because that will probably make the tension between you worse. Hopefully he will reflect on what he has done and eventually see that he messed up!

Thanks everyone… I know this isn’t an excuse, and I didn’t mention this before, but I wasn’t entirely certain about where I stood with this theory. DD1 has autism. FIL is stereotypically “Aspy” with his behaviours - also a hoarder and has other MH pointers that I am not qualified to guess at. Descriptions of DH’s paternal grandmother are that she was much more extreme with rigid behaviours and beliefs than my FIL. I have long-suspected that DH might have a less extreme or more function manifestation of autism than the others. If not, then he’s just a disconnected, self-absorbed narcissist, and would find it much more difficult to connect with our kids than he actually does. It doesn’t change things at all, or my feelings, but I think I can see why he thinks like this.

Afraid it’s a dealbreaker for me and I would be looking to leave

I couldn't forgive it my DH shared such a traumatic major event that happened to me with anyone. Even more disgusting that he's discussed how it's effecting your intimacy with each other. I'm so sorry OP. She sounds awful

He's disgusting. Also quite thick if he thinks his friends owes him more loyalty than he owes you.

You're the one who suffers SA / menopause symptoms so it is entirely up to you who you share that with. You should be able to assume that sensitive things you talk to your DH about are confidential. You should be able to assume that if someone is bitchy and unkind to you, your DH would be annoyed on your behalf - and extremely embarrassed and apologetic that he gave them the amunition to hurt you.

How can he think he's done nothing wrong?
How can he think he's owed more loyalty by his friend, than you're owed by him?

He is uncaring, disloyal and not very bright. I don't think I could stay with him. I couldn't respect him again.

If he's a "disconnected self absorbed narcissist' and I was allowed to have my feelings/seek help as long as I still put out

then this woman and how she operates is the least of your problems.

I am sorry this stupid man betrayed you. I think many men are flattered in entering what we generally see as the female world of serious intimate chatter. A manipulative woman, one who is out to cause trouble, can inveigle a man into that sort of conversations very easily. A stupid man, like your husband, could easily be inveigle.

I would ask him how he feels about her betrayal, sympathise with his hurt feelings, nod as he says he can’t trust her anymore and its changed their relationship. Then tell him that’s how you feel about him x 1000.